Chal do na saath mere...

I reckon the title of my blog (ROFL) is soon going to go obsolete, the rate at which the seriousness in my blog is increasing. I am scared that I am losing my ability to find humour in everything !

Anyway, this blog is a consequence of  my mind's palaver that came up as I was helping my niece with her homework on 'Means of Transport'. And ironically, travelling is the only thing that helps me quieten the palaver of my head! This post talks about the same. How various means of commuting keep me from getting stranded, not just literally but metaphorically too.

• Walking
  walking has always been my greatest respite whenever I feel frustrated. It has perhaps got something to do with release of oxytocin into your body when you perspire; I feel fantastic after a 30-minutes walk. Moreover, it helps clear my thoughts and gives me a fresh perspective to see things from. My preferred style of a rejuvenating walk is leaving behind all my stuff esp phone at home making myself unreachable and walking alone, without any earphones inserted into my ears, enjoying the serenity of nature. Silence is the law of nature - trees grow in silence; the sun moves in silence. And that is how I unplug myself from the world - solitude, silence and solace. 

I grow silent. Dear soul, you speak.
~ Rumi

• Cycling
  When I learnt how to ride a cycle, I heard this profound philosophy -
  
  life is like riding a bicycle; to keep your balance, you must keep moving forward.
  Of course, I didn't understand it back then. All I enjoyed was the fierce rush of wind on my face as I rode at a breathtaking speed. While cycling, I always feel like the captain of my life - speed, direction, brakes, everything is under my control. And the secret power that I derive from the realisation that I actually AM the master of my life is enough to move mountains.

Walk out of any doorway
Feel your way, feel your way
Like the day before
maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you.

• Car
  Being an amateur driver, I don't trust myself with cars. So I always ask my brother to take me for a late night long drive whenever I feel the need... the need for speed. The reckless 120kmph, no red lights, no traffic and the wide roads of Dwarka - recipe of adrenaline rush. Believe me, the thrill of speed helps overcome ANY kind of fear.

• Train
  The feel of Jab We Met !
  The best part about a train journey is how it helps you get over the past - when you sit at a window seat and look out at the picturesque scenery that is constantly being left behind as the train moves forward, you realise that life is pretty much like a train journey. You board a train, meet people along the way who have their own journeys to undertake, they will each accompany you a little before getting down at their respective destinations, you will leave so many stations and even more people behind in order to reach your ultimate destination. And the most baffling part is that once you reach there, you will realise that it is not the destination but the journey that matters and has made all the difference.
  And you never know that you might bump into your Aditya Kashayap while on a train ! :D

• Aeroplane
  A plane journey is a levitating experience, in every sense of the word. Although I find travelling on a plane quite boring, I cannot deny that it helps me rise above pettiness - as the air plane takes off, I find that I am leaving all my problems back on Earth and am rising above all the average things! It is a very abrupt feeling. I suddenly feel that my horizon has widened as much as the vast sky and every problem seems trivial, I feel powerful and capable to rise above everything and reach the sky, Trust me, the feeling is very liberating. If ever you feel bogged down by the burden of expectations or responsibilities or life in general, take a flight and fly away from everything for a while. It will unquestionably lift you up and your spirits!

• Cruise
  This is in bucket list. I am going to write about it once I tick this item off the list.
  I am pretty sure that there can be no better pleasure than sailing smoothly with the sound of sea accompanying you.

Life is about moving and constantly moving on. It is like a river- remember that stagnant water will always breed mosquitoes and become unhealthy and polluted. That is why my mantra for life is just let everything happen at its own pace and to never hang or cling onto anything; keep going with the flow. Keep walking.

Main udna chahta hoon, daudna chahta hoon, girna bhi chahta hoon... bas rukna nahi chahta.
#yeh jawaani hai deewani

The Aftermath.

I have been meaning to write this blog ever since my exams ended (phew!) but I could not muster the strength. Taking the CA final exams is, frankly, a mind-fucking business. 
It was mentally so gruesome that it has been almost one month but I still get up in the middle of night imagining that I overslept and missed my exam!

I have no qualms about admitting that these exams have changed my very essence. I don't know how exactly to put it into words. It is like the person I was before exams (Pre - Surbhi) has been kidnapped by the person the mirror now shows me after exams (Post - Surbhi).
I think this is one of the tragedies of post-exams that after being bullied by an external force to continuously study, for so long, I am now suddenly facing a void that I don't know what to fill with. With the exams, I, at least had an excuse for ignoring everything else but, now, everything that I relegated to the back-burner for almost 2 years is staring back at me with a big question mark spread over its face. And what's worse, Pre - Surbhi had answers  for this but Post-Surbhi doesn't. I mean, ideally, this is the time I should be working upon building my skills - updating myself with GST, jazzing up my CV and most importantly, being fit again. But this blank, unmotivated mind is being more of an anchor, weighing me down, keeping me from my pursuits. The enigmatic part is that I don't know the why/how of this state of my mind; I am sitting on the edge of a precipice looking down at Pre- Surbhi drowning in the river below.




I am suddenly reminded of this pet dog in my nephew's neighbourhood. Its name is Buzo. It is the laziest dog I have ever seen. I have never seen it doing anything except eating or sleeping. It doesn't even care to bark at any passerby. This is how exhausted my mind is post-exams. I don't care to do ANYTHING. (Hey, wait. Did I just compare myself to a dog? See what I meant by my fatigued mind?)

I wrote this Hindi poem to do justice to the state of standstill that I find myself in. This is the first time I tried my hand at Hindi poetry. It was written sometime back but I still haven't been able to think of a title for it. (Also, ignore the typos which came up while converting it to devnaagri.)

कभी कभी खुद से मैं यूँ बतियाती हूँ
दिन भर की धूपछाँव , ज़िंदगी की दौड़ भाग से दूर
निशा के शांत पहर में खुद को मैं समझाती हू
पग पग चल, गिर कर संभल कर, 99 कोस चली मैं
इस आखरी पग पर फिर मैं क्यूँ घबराती हूँ
क्या हुई राह मुश्किल या है कम होती हिम्मत का ये कसूर
जो सामने खड़ी मंज़िल और अपने बीच एक अथाह समुंदर मैं पाती हूँ
सामने दिखता क्यूँ अंधेरा, क्यूँ डूबता हुआ सूरज
मुसीबत अर्चन के पहाड़ के आगे खुद को क्यूँ कमज़ोर मैं पाती हूँ
रात के ये सन्नाटे, ये गहराइयाँ, ये ख़ौफ़ के तिमिर निर्लज्ज
खुद मैं जानूं या खुदा मेरा जाने ऐसे में कैसे मैं अपने हृदय में हौंसले के दीप जलाती हूँ
रोज़ सपने में आती है नन्ही सुरभि और करती सवाल मुझसे एक ही वो
क्या तुम जहाँ हो वहाँ खुश हो?
और बदले मैं उससे प्रश्न एक मैं भी उठती हूँ
क्या मैं वो हूँ 20 साल बाद तुम बनना चाहती हो जो?
अपने नयनों में बड़ी हैरांनियाँ लिए वो कहती नही मैं तुम्हे नहीं पहचानती
पर मेरी आँखो में छाती उदासी देख है एकदम वो खामोशी से यूँ कहती
फिर भी ना जाने क्यूँ लगती तुम कोई अपनी, मैं तुमपे भरोसा करना चाहती हूँ
तो बेखौफ़ हो कर बढ़ो बस आगे, अब दूर नही मंज़िल पास है किनारा
भले तुम वो ना हो जिसका सपना मैने देखा
मगर हो उससे बेहतर, निडर और साहसी
मैं बड़े हो कर तुम्हारे जैसी ही बनना चाहती हूँ

Nevertheless, nothing, esp an exam, can keep me from my awesomeness for long, the Barney Stinson that I am.

I treated myself with a movie spree. I have been doing nothing but watching movies, striking them off one by one from my pending-movies list. From Dil Chahta Hai to Talvar, from The Dark Knight Rises to Fifty Shades of Grey, I left no genre untouched. I watched about 15 movies in two weeks, before resuming my office.

I also visited my aunt after almost 2 years. It was the train journey, the aimless evening walks and the reckless scooty- rides that finally pepped up my spirits and provided a much needed respite from the farrago of my mind.

P.S.

Apologies for the sheer non-sense that this post is.

It was difficult getting back to blogging after so many months! I shall try to write a better and a more meaningful post the next time.  

...in the eyes of the beholder.

I never imagined to find myself in a situation where my middle finger would be the best answer to everything. But that was before I signed up for CA.

I am sorry, I am back again to vent out my frustration at the preposterously difficult course that I chose to pursue. No wonder everybody calls us rondu... but I would love to see you swap places with a CA for once and then say it. 

I am reminded of a silly SMS that I read ages back when I had just set my foot into the world of CA and 20k free SMS plan had just hit the market which meant a flood of forwarded SMS everyday from everybody (you can't deny that life was good before WhatsApp plagued us!) I didn't really understand what was really funny in that SMS then but now I do. It was something like this -

A doctor, an engineer and a CA die together in a plane crash. Up there, they start fighting over who deserves to go to heaven. God asks them to reiterate their respective deeds to Him so that He could take the decision...

Doctor : Main ek doctor hun, Maine sari umar dusro ke dard dur karne mei laga di. Swarg ka haqdaar main hi hun.

Engineer : Main ek engineer hu. CSE. Maine apni zindagi softwares bnane mei laga di. Apke yaha bhi laga skta hu aur chitragupt ji ko rakhne ki zarurat nahi padegi apko.

God (looking impressed) : Wow... (turning towards the third man) Aur tum kaun ho ?

CA : Prabhu, main ek CA hun aur maine...

God : Bas, mere bhai, bas. Aur kuch mat bol. Sari zindagi tu narak mei roya hai, Subah se lekar shaam tak articleship mei mara hai. Kabhi classes to kabhi clients ke beech pissa hai. Ab rulayga kya? Swarg ka haqdaar tu hi hai, mere bhai, tu hi hai.


If you didn't find anything funny in that joke then let me tell you that it is okay and nothing wasn't really funny at all.

Have you ever observed that everything becomes a hundred times more interesting when you have exams coming up? Let me show you the world from the eyes of a person who has put on the 'Exam-goggles'. 

Though each one of has been there but everyone has a different fingerprint and perspective. MY perspective, I assure you, is completely ridiculous as I find stupidest of things funny for no reason at all. Let me illustrate : there is this topic in taxation 'Bonus Stripping'. I had laughed myself silly at the title! Forgive my obscenity, the section numbers make me think of lingerie and sizes - 32, 34D, 40A, 44B ! And we have some novel ones too - 35D, 43B. No wonder boys find tax so alluring!

Murphy's law is always in full swing during the exams -  When you have nothing to do, the weather is sultry hot and even the thought of stepping out gives you sunburns but when you have humoungous amount of course left, the Rain God opens the door of heavens for you and the weather becomes tantalizingly pleasant, daring you to choose between petrichor and penalties&prosecution. Answer me honestly, which idiot would leave the former for the latter? 
Even the TV people seem to hold some grudge against me : there is nothing but savdhan India/ CID (I hate them to the core) coming up when it is my break but the moment I sit to study, I hear my favourite melody - the music that is played when the WB banner is displayed before the HP movies. How can anyone study with that?!
All the novels seem to be sneering at me from my shelf testing my willpower as I weigh Inheritance of Loss against Profit&gains from Business and profession. I don't know how long the battle would continue and when would I succumb and pick up the novel.

To cap it all, all my friends (of course, Non - CA) are busy making travelling plans when I can't set my foot out of my house without being slashed by an axe placed by ICAI over my head. I am left at a loss of words when each of them voices  the same question that November is ages away then why can't I come. November is N.O.T. fucking ages away and I have so much course left that it won't finish even if I study for 16 hours a day for the remaining 4 months.
Then there is the fact that when I somehow sit to study, my appetite becomes 4times the normal. Late night study especially poses a problem now because how can I explain my famished stomach that Maggi has been banned? Nevertheless, from the old adjectives like giraffe and hanger, I have now moved on to words like jollux. The adipose tissue covering my body is making exercise anathema to me with each passing day. But in my defence,  I'd like to think of the accumulating fat as nourishment and constant supply of ATP for my brain so that I can remember all the assessment procedures.

As I sit to cram that assessment under section 143(3)/144 can be done till 2 years from end of relevant assessment year but assessment u/s 147 is to be completed within 1 year from the end of financial year (and not assessment year!) in which the notice u/s 148 was served, my intractable mind again wanders off... My inner self smugly mocks me and says may be one day you are going to get a phonecall : Namashkaar Surbhi Ji, main Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon Kaun Banega Crorepati se...mere samne yaha Manan Makkar baithe hain aur unhe apki sahayta ki zarurat hai Income Tax ke ek sawaal mein... may be that is where all this Income Tax is going to help me. And oh, of course, to pass the 'approaching-at-the -speed -of -light - and - I-have-gargantuan-amount-of- course- left' exams.
You could pray for me, you know. It is free and some good wishes wouldn't go amiss during a C.R.I.S.I.S. like this.



P.S. 
I tried to keep my frustration to bare minimum albeit the fact that it is so palpable. Thank goodness, there is no tax on the same or I would have been the highest taxpayer.

The Grey Fur Jacket.

It was such a strange place... I had an eerie silence engulfing me... It was neither too dark nor too bright, just enough light for everything to be visible... but where was everything? Where was everybody? What is this place? What am I doing here? How did I end up here? It was just space...plain, blank space.

I remember reading about my friend's untimely and unexplained demise in the newspaper and the shock of seeing somebody on front page of the newspaper for being found dead just like that was too much for me to bear... especially because that somebody happened to be my class-partner in 9th who never wrote a word in any bio lecture but always asked for my notes the moment the lecture got over...Once when the bio lecture got over, before he could ask me for my notebook, I offered him my notes ("here...I know, you are going to ask me for this", I smirked)... the silent and taciturn kid that I was, he was surprised at my cheek but laughed out...I then asked him lightly why couldn't he take his own notes to which he answered that he preferred to focus entirely on listening to what the teacher was saying and "besides, you write everything anyway so why should I bother", he smirked back at me. I couldn't help but laugh. And that is how I remember him - excessively intelligent, supremely confident and extremely witty.  So reading about his death in TOI left me shell-shocked... and when I could no longer bear my throbbing head, bleeding heart, crying soul, I left everything and tried to sleep... 
So this must be a dream, I vaguely wondered... but am I supposed to be aware that I am dreaming? This is bizarre.

I suddenly sensed a movement around me and spun around immediately... Somebody was approaching me...I felt a jolt of terror when I noticed the big silvery grey robes covering the figure from head to toe... now the figure was standing right in front of me...who are you, I murmured... to which the figure responded by uncovering its hood and I gasped...
All I could manage was to stare... at those eyes filled with sheer affection for me... that smiling face that I missed terribly... 
After perhaps minutes or may be hours, I wasn't sure of the time, my mind began to argue with the absurdity of what and who I was looking at... how could this be? As if sensing my bewilderment, the figure spoke - It's okay, you are not dead or insane.
I did not answer immediately but merely gazed at the figure, wondering what on Earth was happening. Did I read too much of Harry Potter and this was King's Cross?
The figure laughed out and said smilingly, "No, this isn't King's Cross and neither is this insides of the Mirror of Erised because I know I am what you'd see when you look at it.
Feeling pools of tears building inside my eyes, I took some steadying breaths. Finally, after ages it seemed, I spoke - how do you always know what I am thinking? The figure merely smiled but did not answer.
I asked - what is this place? Is this where you live now? The figure said- Yes and No. I don't live here but I have come here because you are here and you desperately wanted to see me. I know you are stricken because of your batch-mate and needed help. You have lost too many people this year. And I know that you would never speak to anybody else of your deep emotional pain so here I am.
I tried to process the indigestible information and simultaneously accept the fact,with a pang, that whatever I was seeing was surely not true and that I was losing my marbles.
The figure spoke again, "You must have noticed that I can hear your thoughts since this is inside you; I am inside you. You need to accept the fact that what's gone will not come back physically but there is another dimension that most people are unaware of. You will always find what you think you have lost within the confines of that dimension. This is that dimension. If you want proof, here it is - 
And I suddenly noticed that I was surrounded by more people wearing similar attire and gentle smiles - people I had thought I had lost and missed too much for me to bear. They all looked at me with pure love that was so palpable that I could feel the warmth enveloping me. I was stupidly looking from one face to the other, afraid of not seeing them enough when I had the chance. I wanted to hold them all, scared that I would lose them all over again. I could feel a weird heaviness around my heart  - half joy, half sorrow. And before I knew, thick tears started to fall from my eyes,washing away years of pain of my soul. For once, I didn't try to hide my tears, I wasn't ashamed of going into pieces because of my emotional weakness. I wasn't aware of falling onto my knees or of the gentle arms around me that had held me all the time. It was back like earlier times again; I was a kid again and the tragedies might not have happened at all and everything was back to normal- simple, carefree, uncomplicated life. They did not stop me but let me continue with my catharsis.
After what felt like hours, I controlled myself and looked up. They had all gone except the first figure, holding me in its arms.
The figure made me stand up. We began to walk. And talk.
"Can I stay here with you?", I asked though I knew what the answer was going to be.
"No"
"Why not?", I asked.
"Because it is not the right thing to do. I am here to make you understand that you need to stop dwelling over things too much. It is not in your power to change things. Your over-thinking will not make any difference. Everybody has his/her journey to make and you have your own. I know it is difficult but do not mull so much over what/why/how of others' journey please. You are aware that some things affect you more than others but you ought to know that they do not concern you so let go of them before they destroy you."
I nodded.
Suddenly I blurted out," If I have to let go of everything in the end why do I do anything? Why strive to achieve my goals? Why dream big? Look at my batch-mates. I lost two of them in the same year. It is all going to end anyway."
"Because to put a full stop, you need to write a sentence first.", said the figure simply.
The simplicity with which the wisdom was put shook my mind. I was left contemplating over the sagacious words said to me.
The figure took out something from beneath the robes and asked me to wear it. I immediately knew what it was- the grey fur jacket that I loved dearly as a kid. I reminisced fondly that I always got compliments whenever I wore it. It was nice and cozy; It was my favourite jacket. But what was it doing here? Surely this was some joke - how would a jacket that I wore as a 10years old kid, fit a 23years old adult? Besides, I clearly remember giving that jacket to our maid's daughter. How did it come here? But to my utter surprise, it was here AND it fitted me well enough.
What was happening?? The place seemed unearthly silent. The impossibility of everything that was happening was beginning to cloud my sanity. And my senses too; I could notice the lines around the figure blurring. I could hear weird sounds coming from around me. People? Things being moved?



And suddenly I was lying on my bed. Another dream. It was a strange dream. But it felt so real. I lay in bed for a long time trying to remember what I had seen.

Finally, I got out of bed. I saw my brother shifting stuff from one room to another. That explained at least the weird sounds in the dream if not anything else! Ever since he got back from hostel, he has been trying to fit his stuff in the house. When I approached him, he threw something at me and said that he found it while clearing the room.
It was the grey fur jacket.





RIP Sarvy.

My Perpetual Perplexity and the Poppycock of Pettifogging People.

The title was not supposed to be so preposterous but then I got pissed and a mad and a frustrated Surbhi Makkar is a dangerous specie, everyone is aware of that fact.


You may ask why I was frustrated in the first place.
TL;DR : CA
The whole story : I have my exams coming up. And the course is so vast that it would put Pacific Ocean to shame. And I was forced to do this balderdash called Advanced IT Training. Some notification was passed this year that made it mandatory for students appearing for their final exams in Nov 2015 to do this training before the end of July. There are just three centers providing the same (Initially there was just one but thankfully it was extended later to three centers). Consequently, there was a mad rush to register for the same as everyone wanted to do it and get over with it asap. I and my friend left early in the morning to avoid wasting time waiting in the queue. But when we reached the institute, we found around 50 people standing in the queue already. We waited for the office to open while the queue behind us got longer, reminding me of Rajiv Chowk Metro Station. Nevertheless, we got our forms after waiting for 1.5 hours. But the battle had just begun. There was another queue for the submission of the forms. We stood for hours in the sultry heat, drenched in sweat, badly tanned, terribly hungry, (in my case alone) eating back my favourite brand of swear words, and finally got ourselves registered for, according to me, a training of no use whatsoever. We were again supposed to come to the institute to collect the confirmation later. 2 days, 48 hours down the drain.

Finally, the training began and ended after 25 days. I don't even have the patience to write about the training - the sheer waste of time and energy it was. Not to mention the two module tests, a project and a group presentation, an online test that I was supposed to clear to get the certificate that stated that I had successfully completed the Advanced (I)rrational (T)otal (T)ime-waste.

Points to be noted :

• The humongous amount of course and 25 days of nonsense of the institute's tyranny right before the exams.
• The unbearable heat and humidity and pollution and sweat resulting in worsening of my skin eruption.

So, I got the certificate.
Now, I had a social obligation coming up. Albeit the fact that I simply hate to attend any social gatherings, I knew I wouldn't miss this one. It was the birthday party of my favourite person in the world. But I also knew of the mindless questions that awaited me there. I think I should give a bit of background here first - 
Last year, I got this allergy which I thought was because of my hectic routine and the pollution that I faced daily while on audit in Okhla (those who have seen this industrial area would understand) but it exacerbated to a major skin eruption and I had to consult a dermatologist. She attributed it to stress. It turned out to be pretty serious; I am still recuperating - I got red marks all over my face.
More than the painful eruptions, I was sick of people looking at the pimples while talking to me. I ain't the one to fuss over looks much but wherever I went, I got not a hello or hi but a lot of stares at my infestation along with "what's with the pimples/ try this try that/ this doctor is the best/ yuck, what have you done to your face/ ew, you  look absolutely gross" and the list is endless. I felt totally helpless. I hate explaining or answering questions that are unnecessary but with this eruption, I found myself bombarded with useless queries ranging from my diet to make-up (make-up? seriously? Surbhi Makkar and make-up are oxymoron and my so-called make-up box includes just a sunscreen. But how many people do I keep explaining this to? It was frustrating.) and of course, suggestions like cleanup, facepacks and stuff (If advising could earn revenue, India would have the highest GDP; everybody is busy advising everybody here.)
But I admit that I tried a few rational 'suggestions' out of desperation - I included Safi and Aloe Vera juice in my diet, bid adieu to sugar in my bournvita, started having green tea. But my coaching and office and stuff in general wreck havoc and things kept going out of hands. It was awful.
But now that coaching got over and I didn't have such a hectic schedule, I thought it would clear up. It WAS clearing up but then this IT training happened and I had to celebrate such a 'pimpled' birthday. Everybody, every single soul (including my family) kept pointing out at the pimples : even if it was out of concern,  I hated the way their eyes moved over the pimples. Well, everybody except one person. My favourite person. I am his favourite too, you see. It didn't matter to him that I had acne all over my face, Manan still wanted to play with me, talk to me without asking or wondering about the pimples. And people ask me why I absolutely adore this kid ; He has been the apple of my eyes since the day he was born. So, I knew I would not miss the special day that God sent me this little gift even if it meant that I had to endure shit from the guests present in the party.

It was a kids' party but there were a few relatives present too that included the dreaded creature - Typical Punjabi Aunties (referred to as TPA hereinafter)

[ what I think inside my head] ; what I say

TPA: Surbhi!

S [why the fuck, did you spot me] Namaste AuntyJi

TPA: Haww, ye ki keeta tu chehre nu?!  (What have you done to your face?)

S [yeah, I bred pimples in my secret lab and then put them on my face and infected them with a virus so that anybody who points out at them shall suffer the same fate] : CA ki tension hai, Auntyji, aur kuch nahi.

TPA : toh CA ki tension kya aise bahar nikal ri hai? Doctor nu kyu ni vikahaya tu? Chehra toh dekh kya haal ho rakha hai! Shaadi kaun karega aise terse?! CA kar ke kya khaali baithegi ghar pe?! Multaani Mitti laga, haldi chandan laga, aise toh sara chehre pe nishaan reh jayenge.

S [ Virat Kohli inspired @^#*@)!%!&@ ; how do they link everything to shaadi? I have always been amazed by their talent]  hanji, Auntyji... chal rahi hai medicine. 

TPA : oily khana band kar de...chal hun bhatura pass kar!

#1facepalm


I have been enduring such crap since July last year. Imagine my frustration...

Dear People (esp TPA)

Acne is deeper than it appears; it comes with an emotional trauma. Try NOT to do these things if you ever meet an acne- inflicted soul - 

• Looking at the pimples and not the eyes when the person is talking. It makes them highly conscious and they start feeling crappy.
• Start suggesting doctors and treatments without their asking you for the same.
• Ask them stupid questions like - Don't you wash your face?
• Start tormenting them with things like - the pimples would leave permanent scars.

If you really want to help, just try to act like you can't see the pimples even if they are highly conspicuous. Try to see the person beyond his/her face - there is more to a person than just looks. If they talk about it to you at all, say encouraging things - there is improvement, it will soon clear up. Be like Manan - accept people without judging them based on their looks or attire or anything for that matter.

Speaking of Manan and his birthday party, I can't help but share this anecdote - 

My 4 years old niece Agamya telling  me how to pose for a pic - 

"B tujhe toh pose krna bhi nahi aata. Aise karte hain *she pouts* dekha nahi hai kya tune sari good girls phone ke aage aise kr ri hoti hai"

#2facepalm

P.s. I shall add her pouting-pictures once I have them. :D

Behind the veil.

It has been exactly one month and I am still numb with shock. I still have difficulty believing that you have embarked upon your journey into the unknown, leaving amid us merely a void that can never be fulfilled.

I am left in awe with laws of nature yet again. It feels so bizarre that the world is still going on. Shouldn't it be stopping? One of our members has simply disappeared behind the veil and yet everything is going on as usual. There is going to be one less CA and yet ICAI and all the students  are going on like they did - the stampede for submission of advance ITT forms, coaching, articleship, everything. The terrible truth about time is that it waits for none. Everything is going on in a horribly normal manner and yet it doesn't feel fair and right. Your conspicuous absence has left another gaping hole in my soul. 

I shudder to think about the grief of your parents when your loss has affected ME so deeply and I barely knew you...I know exactly how ineffably devastating it is for the family to bear such an untimely loss and in such a cruel manner...Trust me, I know exactly how it feels...to cry in the shower so no one can hear you...waiting for everybody to sleep so that you can let yourself fall apart...when sleep is the only respite because that is when you don't feel the pain of truth and reality...it is like the sorrow engulfs your entire being and you wish nothing but to die in your sleep and unite with the departed...the survivor's guilt envelopes your sanity and with every traitorous breath that you take, you are left blaming yourself ... the monster of depression sinks in its venomous teeth into your skin and yet you are forced to get on with everyday business while the venom keeps spreading, inflicting you with an emotional paralysis...the incessant tears blind you and you are left groping to find a meaning for the life you no more want to live...I know exactly how it feels.

But then, as they say, this is something that cannot be argued, fought, protested.. This pain can only be accepted and taught yourself to live with...and pain, well, it demands to be felt...there is absolutely no other option. I sincerely pray for strength for your family.

I know that I am nobody to say anything to your ways but, Dear God, sometimes you seem so unfair, so distant; You should not have let this happen.

RIP Ravleen.

C.A. - Conundrum Ad-infinitum

Conundrum : A confusing problem or question
Ad - infinitum : For ever and ever till hell freezes over

सुकून की बात मत कर ऐ ग़ालिब

बचपन वाला  Sunday अब नहीं आता...

And that is pretty much the story of my life these days.



Everyday, even before the rooster is up, reluctantly leaving the warmth of my quilt, I drag myself out of the bed [Okay, I admit it is only after I have snoozed off the alarm for about 5 times!], to get ready for my coaching.

Packed from tip to toe, braving the cold and fog, I reach the metro station only to see my quarry leaving me behind to wait for the next metro that is scheduled after 10 minutes or so.

-sigh-

I am late again.

The quintessential Surbhi Makkar behaviour.

I pace around the platform watching the fellow passengers, wondering, what in the name of Lord Voldemort, did I do in my past births to have earned this sort of cruelty.

No, I don't mean any offence to ICAI, but what on earth they were thinking while devising such a gruesome manner of butchering students, is a mystery that I have always failed to understand.

I mean, see...nobody, except a valiant CA pursuant, has to go to office AND attend coaching (twice a day, everyday) AND study side by side for the exams so tough that it gives nightmares daily not just because the course is unimaginably vast but also the fact that under the veneer of high standards the institute deliberately sets the papers that spell out : Did-you-think-that-you-would-get-a-degree-you-are-a-fool-We-want-you-all-to-fail...

And I am not even mentioning the harassment that sometimes articles have to face for attending the classes (as if the early morning classes are really a party that we all look forward to)

My firm, thankfully, is flexible enough but there are people who have to leave the class midway to reach office in time...what is the point of paying 25000 bucks...what is the point of making me undergo the training if you don't want me to study and be a CA...what is the point of all this new Companies Act hullabaloo and the amendments that you bring about at the speed of light if you don't fucking give me time to prepare for the exams !??!

and if that wasn't enough, you introduce some crappy mandatory advance IT training, for which you don't have the requisite infrastructure and you make students go all the way to AnandVihar from Dwarka, which we have to do right before our exams.

Oh God, I don't even have the energy to vent out my own frustration, my anger at the harsh provisions, or my fears that I would flunk...why is everybody trying to make my life miserable? :|

There are days when I simply feel like running away from everything. To hell with career, to hell with every damn person...to hell with life.

My train of thoughts is interrupted by the arrival of metro train. I see DR boarding the same metro and I find myself laughing that at least I am not the only one who is late :P

AC's coaching got over already else I would have been accompanied by yet another latelatif :D

I feel really happy when I see somebody who is latelatif-er than even ME :P

As the metro runs, my thoughts too come running back in my mind...hovering over my mind like an eagle waiting to swoop over its prey, the negative thoughts (read worry + frustration + jitters, exacerbated by sleep deprivation) wait to find any crack in my Patronus and make way inside me. But having slept badly at night, I drift off to an uneasy nap.

KS calling...KS calling beeps my mobile...and I know that it is 6:45 already and the class has begun and I am late...again...as usual.

I finally reach the auditorium.

As I enter, I am greeted with a sea of bespectacled students (It is perhaps a fashion to wear specs if you are doing such a demanding course...I wear one too. :P)

From east to west, from north to south, from every nook and cranny of the auditorium, I see about 500 students categorised into following :

1. The Geeky ones taking notes furiously and sparing me a reproving look that says : shame, shame, I know your name...you latecomer girl so lame.

2. The Carefree ones who are busy making aeroplanes in the class.

3. The fashion models - these girls look ready to go to a party. Hats off, pretty ladies. I mean the class begins at 6:30am and it takes a hell lot of time to doll up!

4. The lazybones - mostly boys, they look as if they have come straight out of bed without a shower.

5. The sleeping beauties - those who have paid 25000 and get up at 5:30am to come to the class and sleep.

6. VIPs - people yet to come...I mean, they swagger in really, really late.

7. The DPK people - SK, CJ, CG, GS, JA, SG, JG all of them grinning at me.

8. KS - The girl in lustrous black hair, smiling broadly as I enter.

9. DR - the latelatif from Dwarka walking behind me :P If his friend picks him up from the metro station on his scooty (both of them without helmets :P), he reaches earlier than me :P

10. SM - the showstopper : I, Me, Myself, Surbhi, Surbhi Makkar :D The greatest CA the world would ever see :P

Munching over the eatables that KS brings for me, I look around only to find people (except category 1) looking drowsy. Category 1 people alone have the enigmatic Hermione-Gene to resist the soporific power of the teacher.

I sleep half through my class too, the sleep deprived soul that I am...I suffer from insomnia which magically gets treated during the class :| :P

There is a cute side of CA too. :D

The course is so long and demanding, the classes so many that people get a lot of time to spend with each other :P They get to know each other well and end up being together for lifetime. My cousin keeps telling me about her friends who tied the nuptials after being CAs in the same attempt...so the girl/boy who happens to sit with you during a class merely by a lucky chance  might be the beloved you are destined to be with ! But not everybody is that lucky...there are also cases when Madam meets Sir during CPT...both of them clear the entrance...Madam proves to be a distraction for Sir...She clears the intermediate, Sir could not clear even the first group...Madam clears the final, Sir has still not cleared his first group...ultimately, CA madam breaks up with CPT-cleared Sir who then breaks up with ICAI and drops the course.

so Sirs and Madams, tread very carefully :D

Sometimes, I chide myself for not paying attention..not that I do it deliberately but two classes and 3 hours of travel and the consequential fatigue renders me incapable of understanding the fact that I am really going to regret not listening to the teacher attentively...A LOT.

But then this helplessness at getting caught in the quagmire of so-much-to-do-so-little-time-left engulfs me...Even this blog post is written out of frustration...A sense of hopelessness enslaves my mind and my already overwrought mind pleads me to let it shut down for a while...but something inside me, a little voice fights back and says - it is so easy to tune out, to shut down the systems, to close my eyes and lie back and wait for everything to end...but this is not what life is all about...life is about fighting back to victory.

And with this thought, I keep going day after day...I persevere in hope that I am soon going to reach my goal and turn my dreams into reality -

ODYSSEY : Au Revoir 2014

It seems like yesterday that I was writing my goodbye-blog last year with the familiar feeling of nostalgia, happiness and most importantly great awe that I survived another year...lo and behold, here I am...writing it again ! Time perhaps has a firebolt, it flies by fast !


Thanks to calenders, fresh starts happen every year. New year is a chance to put the past behind you, prune away old habits and most importantly to reinforce the belief that every day comes with an opportunity to start afresh.
2013 was about losses and insanely painful wounds, but as they say the wound is the place where the light enters you, 2014 meant tending to those wounds and regaining composure...and work, 2014 meant loads of work too.

My focus remained on cutting the crap out...My FB remained deactivated this year too which meant no bullshit but it also meant that I got even lesser birthday calls than the last year...I became more silent and centered and kept to myself ...in the company of people I love the most - fictional characters of novels...
Books say XYZ did this because...
Life says XYZ did this...no reason, no explanations.
No wonder some people prefer books. I am one of those people.

The consequences being that everybody remained pissed at me for not attending their birthday parties, missing all the meetups, not going to social gatherings.It was primarily because I don't like being around people for long but this year I also had a lot of work which kept me occupied. But people don't understand and I hate to give explanations or answer questions so I let them get pissed at me which they anyway would! :P

This year was also about changes...habits that didn't give me any benefit but like parasites, were sucking the life out of me, had to go...and the most important change that I incorporated in myself with respect to this was what I learnt from my brother - He is a doctor. Once when he was home, in course of our banter he said these pearls of wisdom while I was asking him how he managed to give little kids injections daily...he simply said -  unke dard se dosti kar lunga toh dur kaise karunga unka dard (if I keep thinking how much pain it will cause them, how would I treat their pain?)

And so I learnt that it is good to help people in pain but it won't do to lose your own peace of mind while helping them. Be a lamp, a lifeboat or a ladder; help someone's soul heal but do not become a mental patient yourself in the process !

                              

The Inception

The beginning itself was marked by a soul-soothing journey to Vaishno Devi and I could tell that some higher power is there for me, guiding me as I walk along in  my journey of life...It helped me accept my own pain that I was trying to numb for quite some time and acceptance brought about the determination and the will to do what I have always been known for - keep fighting till I win.
(I wrote a blog about the same already - http://surbhimakkar.blogspot.in/2014/02/ek-pal-niche-nazar-hai-ek-pal-upar_4.html?m=1)


Birthday Breakthrough

This year I had this sudden and strange urge on my birthday to break out of all my inhibitions and boundaries and try everything once while I am still on this earth...I mean, life is really short and we make it shorter by keeping ourselves fenced in our comfort zones...
So, bit by bit, I purged away the portions of my past that kept causing me immense pain for so many years...and only after letting go of it all, did I realise the weight of the baggage that I was carrying...
My resolution to try everything once, had another dimension too :P After a gap of 15 years, I resumed non- veg...it isn't as yummy as I had found it to be as a kid but at least I no more puke at the sight and smell of it :P Fish remains to be ticked off in the list.
And, er, I also tried, umm, a few things I would rather not mention here :D :P

But the best and my personal favourite item that I ticked off in this list is the one that follows next. :)

Do boond zindagi ki

The achievement I can really be proud of :)
I donated blood.
On Mother's day. :)

Why I did it?

The Mind : Every 2 seconds, someone needs blood. Each adult roughly has about 10-12 pints of blood and 1 pint is given during a donation...the blood that we donate can save lives of upto 3 people :)

Why I did it ? (1)

The Heart : It was my birthday on the 28th of April....and I wanted to celebrate it differently this year...having seen one of the lowest phases of my life in 2013, I had forgotten to laugh and smile...and then I came across this as I was randomly going through some old mails - you take care of others' smile and I shall take care of your smile...It is strange, I know, but it felt like some divine message to me...and I decided to look beyond my narrow perspective that centered around my life, my worries, my problems and try to ease the pain of others in any manner possible...
[now, I googled up a lot but there wasn't any camp happening on my birthday and there wasn't any hospital in the vicinity...having read the most boring book ever - the secret, I tried the Law of Attraction and, um, sent a request to the Universe that I wanted to do it no matter how...believe me, I got a mail the next day that The Lion's Club was going to organise a blood donation camp just a km away from my place on the 11th of May...not on my birthday exactly but nevertheless, I was amazed at how quickly my request got answered...God perhaps has a pretty good customer care service up there! ]

Why I did it ? (2)

The Soul : It happened to be Mother's Day that day and I sincerely hope that the blood I donated helped to save somebody's mother. :)

It was my first time but I would continue doing it every year, it was a divine feeling.
And on a lighter note, it is a good thing to give your 100% to every endeavour you undertake but don't do that while donating blood, just a pint would suffice :P


Work Unlimited
 I immersed myself into work this year.
I quote, again, one of my favourite booklines :

 There is nothing of any importance in life  - except how well you do your work. Nothing. Only that. Whatever else you are, will come from that.It is the only measure of human value.

(#Atlas Shrugged)

The laziness bug
I was bitten by this fatal bug as a kid and the venom continues to flow in my blood to this day.

But the matters seemed to go out of hands as my weight shot up suddenly! The oily food I used to get at the client's place while on audits exacerbated it. Thankfully, I controlled it in time (stop laughing!) by including an exercise regime in my routine and am working towards getting back in shape. :D This is going to be carried forward to 2015 as well :D

5 People You Meet in Heaven 

They say time erodes gratitude more quickly than it does beauty.

2014 gave me some very special people and I am so grateful to them for sharing their lives with me. I wish to express my sincere gratitude to them for their wonderful presence. 

I am thankful to all the people who came to my life and helped me be a better person. This specifically includes my office people and my family, of course.

But there are a few extra kaminey friends to whom I wish to explicitly convey my gratitude...

(in no particular order)

AS - My soul sister. Need I say more? :) <3 [But yeah, I would like to make a request - keep your phone switched on !!! ]

KS - We get along like house on fire :P They say that to understand a dirty joke, you need both the speaker and the listener to have a dirty mind and I have never found such a complementary mind ;) :D I'd have used the word serendipity but now that the exam-year has begun I am using a slightly, umm, technical connotation to convey my feelings -  ICAI along with Rohini ITT center applied the doctrine of harmonious construction to make me meet you :D

And of course this had to come - हमे तुमसे मिलाने का शुक्रिया..हमे हम से मिलाने का शुक्रिया :) <3

KK - Some people always say the right things. And some people never say it but always do the right things. One of the few people who belong in the latter category, you have always been a saviour. :) Your birthday gift remains pending but it would reach you at the right time (read when I stop being a lazy jerk :P) and aur zyada tarif nahi kar rahi ab main, hawa mei ho jana hai  nahi toh tune :P :P

AA - I know we don't  get to talk much now ever since my coaching began but I have had some really memorable conversations with you which made this year a little more fun, a little more joyful. And I am deliberately skipping a significant part here, hope you would understand it :D :P and if you don't, insert my favourite swear word first and then message me to know what I am talking about :P

NM - Thanks nocy. I need not mention that it feels great to be back on talking terms but I would like to draw your attention to the resilience of the bond again. :) Also, I didn't say it then (#50minutes worth of revenue for your company :D) but I missed pulling your leg wrt everything while we were not talking. :D

What 2014 taught me - 

As we flip our calenders, we should keep flipping our minds as well...and see to it that we don't fill our future dates with past events. I learnt to forgive and to commit myself to dropping the past and everything that caused me pain so that I can start afresh and welcome 2015 with renewed faith.

Time changes people but there are people who change time and in 2015 I am going to strive towards being in the latter category.  

A Happy New Year to all of you :)