The Number 17

Disclaimer:  All thoughts expressed here are author’s personal views and no mockery is anywhere intended. I am responsible for what I say and not for what you understand.

So, it has been 1 year since the gullible girl got out of the gobbledygook of books and ventured into the real world. I have been meaning to write about my experiences but the cobwebs of the corporate world caught me up and I have been neglecting my introspection for long. But not anymore!

Before we begin, let me give you a bit of trivia. Everybody is aware that financial year starts from April 1^st and ends 31^st of March. But can we have a longer financial year? The answer is yes.

Here is an excerpt from the Companies Act, 1956 (sec 129 of Companies Act 2013) for your reference - 

"Financial Year means, in relation to any to any body corporate, the period in respect of which any profit and loss account of the body corporate laid before it in annual general meeting is made up, whether that period is a year or not the period to which the account aforesaid relates is referred to as a 'financial year'; and it may be less or more than a calender year, but it shall not exceed fifteen months; Provided that it may extend to eighteen months where special special permission has been granted in that behalf by the Registrar."


So my year in the blog is going to start from January 2017 and last till April 2018. So we are still talking about Financial year 2017-18. (I am just justifying my inability to write my year-end blog, as my tradition has always been, by using CA jargon. :P)

Oh, what a roller coaster ride this year has been!

It began with my result last year in January.  CA results have always been a jittery affair. Primarily because they say that it would be announced around 2pm but they never publish the results before 4pm. Can you imagine the state of the student during these two hours? One can almost cook rice, such is the pressure in the head. I remember my IPCC results came out at 11pm; 9 hours of torture! CA final was even worse. The website crashed around 4pm and then a gazette reached me via whatsapp! It felt incredibly foolish to believe a whatsapp saying that I was now a CA but for a few magical minutes I was blissful. And then, a friend finally uttered sense – whatsapp gazette is false! Darkness shrouded my mind and I was gasping for breath. Then finally when I could see no way out, I dialed my favourite SharmaJi’s number (she is now my brother’s wife, such an eventful year this has been! :D) and requested her to confirm my result – her father is in ICAI, you see. Sharma Uncle confirmed my result and I heaved a sigh of relief! And then I did what I was dying to do since the inception of CA odyssey, I texted my father “All my life I have been known as a CA’s daughter. Now, you are going to be known as a CA’s father. Debit equals credit ”

Hallelujah!

A perfect ending to the CA journey. Ending, did I say? It was the beginning! Inception of the hard road that lay ahead! But before that, I had a few moments of relief and fun – GMCS 2. I met a variety of people- a few assholes, a few really good friends and a few forget-after-the-gmcs people. In a nutshell, it was an eye opener. It told me what kind of people I would meet ahead and the types of challenges that were going to ensue. I sat for one off campus interview at Deloitte which was a fiasco. Big 4 never really tempted me but as every person preached me that it was stupid not to sit for the interview so I went ahead. After waiting for 3 hours, I finally entered the room. Technical sucked. HR went good. Then I was asked if I had any questions. I asked the interviewer how had his experience been with Deloitte. He began in his monotonous tone that life was okay. (okay? OKAY? He told me that I would need to work 16 hrs a day and for what? An ‘okay’ life?!). Sometimes in my not-so-sane moments, I feel that all these big corporate companies are actually a secret organization and their aim is to plague the world with frustration. Frustrated people recruiting more guinea pigs to suck life and turn into zombies.

Anyway, so then came the campus placements! The interview could not have been more different from the previous one. The interviewer was COOL, there is no other word for him and I was laughing so hard by the end that I had to apologise! So I was selected as an Internal Auditor in the company. I was on cloud 9. I was a CA, I had a job… I needed no other thing in life!

How very wrong I was.

Once I joined, I realized that things were not so rosy. Firstly, my place of reporting was Gurgaon and I simply detest Gurgaon. All the tall glass buildings copied from the west by DLF irritated me (You put up glasses all over the building, leading to greenhouse effect and then install centralised air-conditioning to beat it and then fret over huge power bills and pollution!) and the traffic was/is/will always be crazy in Gurgaon. Shuttle rides gave me sore muscles and back ache. I felt like I had aged 20 years in just 20 days. But I met this wonderful lady here who turned out to be Virat Kohli’s cousin! (I did not believe her till I saw her picture with Virushka at the grand celebrity reception last year! I openly admit that I was green with envy, Kohli is the love of my life after Harry Potter.) After the introductory few days at the new company, we were sent off to its various branches for conducting the internal audit and then reality hit me – it was nowhere near the audit I had envisaged.  I was supposed to visit the customer place and confirm our company’s services and controls were in place. The heat and exertion from long travel hours soon took toll on my health and I resigned within 2 months mainly because of the safety factors – these customers lived in the JJ colonies, since my company was into micro finance, and I was supposed to visit these areas with a salesperson on his bike!

And I was back into what-am-I-going-to-do-in-my-life phase. I started analyzing my strengths and weaknesses, interests and available options. Thoughts like ‘did I do the right thing by resigning; who is stupid enough to leave campus placement which is so difficult to get through; maybe I should have persevered’ kept plaguing me. Thanks to some wonderful people that God has bestowed me with, I could get out of it and got my next job in OBC after successfully clearing the written and interview. The month of darkness was soon forgotten just like a bad dream.

The number 17 continued to rule my stars. My CA result was announced on 17^th Jan. I joined my first job on 17^th of April. I joined my subsequent job on 17^th of August! And this is just the tip of the iceberg. ;)

The week-long induction training was my first experience in hostel and it was a memorable one. I realized why all hostelers kept cribbing about bad food – food at the mess was  extremely oily but the dessert always made up for the bad taste.

Obviously, I slept through the lectures but was wide awake during our badminton matches at night. And again, I met a variety of people – a bunch of idiots, some nice friends, a few I-don’t-even-remember-their-names and one adorable lady needs special mention here - Shraddha! She is one of the most hardworking, polite, sensible and decent women I have ever met!

At the end of our training, we were all given our postings. I was posted at Head office (Gurgaon, will you ever leave me?!) in large corporate credit department- I had to deal with the big fish, loans above 50 crores.  The next few months were horrendously challenging – I had to learn all the new stuff about loans, policies of the bank, RBI guidelines and more importantly, how to deal with people and how to coordinate between various departments I needed to rely upon for information! I tried my best but my pace was slow. I got scolded again and again. Again, some people who I call Gifts-from-God, helped me through each difficult day. Some days were so bad that I went home resolving to never be back but got up the next morning to face all the challenges.

Meanwhile, my brother got married. And a wedding, as enjoyable and wonderful and sacred thing may be, is a stressful affair! Shopping is as time consuming as it is financially-depleting. I tried one dress after the other till I settled upon this beautiful black-golden gown and a golden saree. It cost me my entire month’s salary but the look and the compliments overshadowed the monetary aspects.

After fun-filled 4 days wedding saga, it was difficult getting back to work. But what options do we have other than slogging our asses off for organizations who replace us within a fraction of second?

Just when I started to get a little hang of my work, life threw me a curve ball again!

I was transferred to the Accounts department! Out of the blue. Just like that. Personal grudge of the bosses? Or was it my slow pace? God knows how many times my mind berated me till I was shown sense (again by the good people!) that

•  Things don’t work like that in professional domain. Transfer is as ubiquitous in banks as chaai
• I need not blame my slow pace since I was a newbie and I was given 2 years to learn and train myself. Nobody catches bullet trains in 6 months, every body rides a bullock cart.
• Change is good. Change is inevitable. Moreover, wasn’t I so stressed and unhappy in that department so why not give the new department a chance?

And so I entered the Accounts department. So far, so good. My father worships Accounts, by the way. So he showed me all the positive (N.B. sarcasm detected!) side – balance sheet is the lifeline of any company’s finances, GST is the future of India, IFRS is the in-thing. He had said the same things about the credit department also… that credit department would lead to my holistic  learning as it would involve processing of balance sheets, application of tax laws. I have lost all hopes that I can ever be as much in love with CA stuff as he is.

Amongst all the anguish, I found my solace in fulfilling my travel dreams that I nurtured since childhood. I have covered Rajasthan, Shimla and Goa so far; sand, snow and sea. I fell in love with the sound of the sea. You have no right to be alive if you can’t take out time to watch the sunrise and sunset. Sunsets in Goa are proofs that not everything that goes down is sad and melancholy; it taught me to stay still and just be in the moment… the realization dawned on me that a higher power looks upon us all and I could feel all my stressed neurons slackening as the force of the mighty sea hit me. Nothing mattered anymore and I learnt just to be… in unison with my soul… at total peace.

All in all, this year was all about what they call as blooming and budding; making mistakes and learning from them; getting out of my comfort zone and most importantly taking note of my happiness and dreams.

Rehne do chhodo bhi jaane do yaar; hum na karenge pyaar :D

Disclaimer : 

a) This post is full of gallows humour. Narrow- minded people who take everything very personally may please refrain from reading this post... for I have no intention of offending anybody in any manner. I am only responsible for what I say and not for what you understand and perceive. 

b) Since the topic is very sensitive and heart-achingly (quite literally!) familiar to all, I would like to say beforehand that this post has very personal opinions as to why I am so averse to everything related to love and I, by no means, intend to preach anybody anything. 

c) The pictures have been inserted hither and thither just to jazz up the humour content of the post.

Apart from tax, there is this one enigma that I absolutely fail to understand - LOVE !

Ever since I gained sense, I have always considered love to be the very essence of our lives. They say that we learn to love even before we are born - as a fetus in the womb, we fall in love with our nurturer. As a kid, we fall in love with the caring eyes, the affectionate faces and the tender hands of our parents. But as we grow up, we tend to distort this beautiful feeling all together! I mean, see, isn't love supposed to be something that lights up your eyes like a blind man seeing sunshine for the first time? Instead, what I have always seen in my friends' eyes are tears! Isn't love supposed to be your sanctuary when your mind searches for solace and peace? But on the contrary, what I find is chaos and stress everywhere I look!

Of course my brother's suspicions could be true that I belong to Pluto, and not Earth, with my own stupid ideologies and beliefs about everything... but I would rather stand by my gobbledygook that to love means to slowly break down a person's walls without him/her noticing and then rebuilding them with windows to let the sunshine in, than accept what my eyes show me all around - darkness and depression because of love. So it's either me or there is something grossly wrong with the way people interpret love.

Before you declare me to be an alien from Pluto, I would like to first substantiate my basis of enunciating the above statements with the instances of love I have seen in 24 years of my existence in this universe -

1. The Fri-end Love

This is the love that begins on Monday and ends by Friday. The weekend is for recuperating with loads of booze/ ice cream. The next week, of course, brings a new story. Each Monday is an inception and each Friday is a breakup.

I remember wasting my chocolates for cheering up one such friend. I saw her crying her eyes out over her recent breakup (it was Friday) and offered her chocolates out of humanity. She had them all. She was seen with a new guy on Monday.

Lesson learnt : Never waste your chocolates on anybody. EVER. Eat them all by yourself.

2. The K K K Kiran Love

The obsessive love. While it evokes outrageous amount of passion in one party, for the other it is absolutely nightmarish! Kindly remember that there is always a Sunny Deol with his dhaai kilo ka haath, protecting his Kiran and that SRK dies in the end, before venturing into obsessive kind of love.

Query : What is the point of such an infatuation? You can never force anybody to love you, can you? Unless you can brew a love potion. But even in that case, you risk creating Lord Voldemort.

3. The Ex Parte Love

The one-sided-love. Another category of troublesome love, one sided love often enkindles unrealistic expectations in the party in question. The other party, usually uninterested, is caught unawares by surprise gifts and flowers and messages dedicated to them.

The consequences of this kind of love range from pitiful friend-zoning to dangerous 'wo meri nahi hogi to kisi aur ki bhi nahi hogi' psyche resulting in blackmails, acid attacks or kidnapping or sometimes gruesome murders.

Query : Again, you cannot chain anybody and make them love you... what then is the point of expending all your energy at a place where one gets no reciprocation? Personally, I believe that what's yours comes to you no matter what and what is not meant to be yours is not going to stay with you no matter what! doesn't that make running after a person, who doesn't give a damn to your existence, totally futile?

4. The 'It happens only in India' Love

This has 2 dimensions -

a) Religion

Interfaith love has no unconditional acceptance in India. Period. I have read countless cases in the newspaper and have seen numerous movies on the same theme. Either or both the parties are shunned by their families for sake of religion. What I have always failed to understand is that every religion propagates love and in no religion does God ever utter a single syllable about killing one another in the name of religion... who, then, are human beings to kill His creations in the name of religion? This issue is so deep rooted and misunderstood and sensitive that I am afraid of deviating from the theme of this post if I delve further into this!

b) Caste

Another mystery I have never been able to decode. My own friends have been a victim of this and I don't even have the heart to touch upon the pain and misery it brings.

Query: Seriously, just one question - would you want your daughter/sister to be with a Hindu guy who indulges in domestic violence or a Muslim guy who keeps her happy? How does being with someone of the same caste guarantee happiness in any way?

5. The I-don't-walk-my-talk Love

People who promise the moon and the stars on paper and in face of even a slight adversity, jilt you in the middle of a landfill that leaves you stinking for a lifetime!

Lesson learnt : This, honestly, appears to be the worst form of relationship to me. It would leave you scarred not just as a lover but as a human being in general as it shakes one's faith in humanity.

6. The Gay Love

This is just to raise the humour quotient in this post :P

Imagine walking down the lanes of your campus with your male buddy expecting a 'I like you' at the very least. Instead, what you hear him saying is "I am gay and I like your brother"! :D

N.B : No offence intended.

7. The Infidelity-Apology-Pendulum Love

This is the most common love in DU ! I had tons of friends who had steady girlfriends somewhere and they would leave no chance of a fling with random girls they happen to meet anywhere!

Now, there can be two possibilities -

a) The steady girlfriend remains in dark about the flings.

b) The steady girlfriend somehow finds out about the flings and breaks up.

Possibility 'a' is a far-fetched theoretical situation because girls have uncanny abilities to find out everything. So ultimately, we arrive at possibility 'b' and now begins the circle of breakup followed by constant apologies and requests for patch-up. The steady girlfriend usually agrees out of past feelings. Things get better. The guy gets complacent and succumbs to temptation of flings again. Hence the nomenclature 'Pendulum'. Please note that girls too fall in the trap of flings and by no means, do I wish to imply here that this category is for boys alone.

Query : Why does the need for flings arise when you already are in love with somebody? I mean, logically, there can be only one inference of flings that you are not happy with the one you are with! So why the fake drama of commitment? It is like person has two separate needs of love and lust. For love, there is one steady relationship and for lust, there are numerous flings!

8. The No means Yes Love

It may be a subset of category#2 or #3. It is the kind of love in which one party constantly declines the offer in every possible manner but the other party is adamant in a very filmy way and has a topsy-turvy lexicon which says no means yes. I, personally, find this category, which is generally seen among boys, to be funny in an absolutely pathetic way. Why? Because I have seen my friends literally kowtowing to the person, who isn't remotely interested in them. 

My advice : Buy a new dictionary from here.

9. The 'Use Me as a Doormat' love

I will try to illustrate this in a very practical way. Did you have that geeky topper friend in college who was suddenly seen teaching/helping in practical files/completing assignments of the hottest girl in the class during the exam season? Well, I am going to let the cat out of the bag (sorry, girls!) - I have heard my female friends talking in the girls' room about how the geek was infatuated with them and would readily do anything just to talk to them. So they brutally ignore him the whole year... during the exam season, a little flirtatious smile does the trick and voila, they have all the notes and assignments and important questions lent to them by the geek. I feel sorry for the poor geek who, despite being the brightest and smartest in the class, gets fooled again and again, under the impression that those smiles genuinely mean something.

Query  : I am confused between the essential character of this category of love - is it the geeks's foolishness or the self-centeredness of the girl? 

 

(Geeks would understand this Rubik's Cube meme:P)

10. The 'Father of the Nation' Love
Well, the only place I like Mahatma Gandhi is on a currency note so when I say Father of the Nation, I mean money. 
This category of love is based purely on pecuniary interests. It is generally dominated by girls. Haven't you had any friend whose girlfriend left him for a richer guy? Or who was abandoned because he didn't gift her a brand new Iphone for her birthday? 
Query : I am a little confused. They do have a point though. I mean, people who claim love is more important than money... do they pay their bills with a hug?! But still, I personally feel that money can buy you a dog but you need love to make it wag its tail at you. 

11. The  Transitive Love
Remember that boring chapter in Maths - sets and relations? So, there was this category of relations called transitive relations. Simply put, if a>b, b>c then a>c. While this might hold true in the world of mathematics, it is impossible to be transitive in real life relations without involving a lot of pain for more than one person! A loves B, B loves C, C loves D and D loves A. Imagine the kind of pain and longing each of these four persons suffer when they see that the one they love doesn't love them back.   
This category of relationship has inspired a lot of Bollywood movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Dil toh Pagal hai etc but most of them end up being a love triangle and eventually the hero gets to be with his happily-ever-after. Sadly, life is not a movie!
My Advice : Never fall in love with a person who loves somebody else already. EVER.

12. The 'My parents want to marry you' Love
Well, this is India-specific relationship. The boy (or girl) stays in a relationship for a number of years and then suddenly his (her) mother rejects her (or him) for some silly reason like complexion\ height\job\amount of adipose tissue\shape of nose\too crazy about harry potter etc and the boy breaks up even before one can utter WTF! 
This category reminds me of Chetan Bhagat's 2 States... the boy loves the girl...the girl loves the boy...  the girl's family has to love the boy... the boy's family has to love the girl... boy's family has to love the girl's family...the girl's family has to love the boy's family... and in the process, if there is still any love left between the boy and the girl, they get married !

Query : seriously, does your mother have to live with him\her for a lifetime or you? Your parents already have each other and now it is not their but your life partner that you have to choose for heaven's sake!
(Also, in my personal opinion, If you find someone who is just as crazy about Harry Potter as you are, marry him\her without further ado ! :D )


13. The Dominating Love

Easy, fans of Fifty Shades (there are fans of this book?! Whoa.), I mean dominating in the normal way! The category where the person with deeper, more intense feelings is dominated by the other one who is aware of the fact that he/she has an upper hand because of vulnerability of the partner so he/she constantly hangs this axe of  'I am breaking up with you' on his/her partner and always has his/her way by emotional blackmail!

Query : I don't know if this 'coercion' even qualifies as love...I mean, this self- righteousness, is this even love? How long can anybody sustain such an emotionally draining relationship? And Why?

Of course, I understand that this is entirely an abstract concept and is subject to personal opinions... because you cannot control anybody's free will, that's the thumb rule when it comes to human psyche. And then there is another factor of looks! People are often deceived by looks... Cupid, they say, is blind! and by the time they realise that they bought silver misconstruing it to be platinum, they are already in the middle of relationship and getting out of it is a painful business for both the parties.

In the end, I am left as baffled by this mystery of what/how/why/where of love as I was before writing this post and wholeheartedly support all my friends' prophecies about how I am going to die single because my mathematics says alone > wrong.

But I can safely infer that love is congruous to CA Final -

• There is a lot of input involved. When I say a lot, I mean to say backbreaking, extremely arduous, involving sleep deprivation and nervous breakdown,  totally frustrating, mentally draining kind of effort. (Love totally requires painstaking effort)

• Your effort won't guarantee that you'd understand what the situation demands. (Who can understand why boys go nuts over shapes and sizes? And honestly, has anyone of you ever understood how a girl's mind works?)

• There is always a possibility of all your input going waste because of some amendment. (boyfriend, girlfriend and Wo! you can never know when a third person enters and ruins everything that you have created so far.)

• You might put as much input as you are capable of and still the output remains as uncertain and elusive as the identity of batman is for the people of Gotham City. (Are we ever sure of matters of the heart?)

Anybody who has answers to my queries may please comment in the comment-section!

Yours sincerely

Agony Aunt :P

...in the eyes of the beholder.

I never imagined to find myself in a situation where my middle finger would be the best answer to everything. But that was before I signed up for CA.

I am sorry, I am back again to vent out my frustration at the preposterously difficult course that I chose to pursue. No wonder everybody calls us rondu... but I would love to see you swap places with a CA for once and then say it. 

I am reminded of a silly SMS that I read ages back when I had just set my foot into the world of CA and 20k free SMS plan had just hit the market which meant a flood of forwarded SMS everyday from everybody (you can't deny that life was good before WhatsApp plagued us!) I didn't really understand what was really funny in that SMS then but now I do. It was something like this -

A doctor, an engineer and a CA die together in a plane crash. Up there, they start fighting over who deserves to go to heaven. God asks them to reiterate their respective deeds to Him so that He could take the decision...

Doctor : Main ek doctor hun, Maine sari umar dusro ke dard dur karne mei laga di. Swarg ka haqdaar main hi hun.

Engineer : Main ek engineer hu. CSE. Maine apni zindagi softwares bnane mei laga di. Apke yaha bhi laga skta hu aur chitragupt ji ko rakhne ki zarurat nahi padegi apko.

God (looking impressed) : Wow... (turning towards the third man) Aur tum kaun ho ?

CA : Prabhu, main ek CA hun aur maine...

God : Bas, mere bhai, bas. Aur kuch mat bol. Sari zindagi tu narak mei roya hai, Subah se lekar shaam tak articleship mei mara hai. Kabhi classes to kabhi clients ke beech pissa hai. Ab rulayga kya? Swarg ka haqdaar tu hi hai, mere bhai, tu hi hai.


If you didn't find anything funny in that joke then let me tell you that it is okay and nothing wasn't really funny at all.

Have you ever observed that everything becomes a hundred times more interesting when you have exams coming up? Let me show you the world from the eyes of a person who has put on the 'Exam-goggles'. 

Though each one of has been there but everyone has a different fingerprint and perspective. MY perspective, I assure you, is completely ridiculous as I find stupidest of things funny for no reason at all. Let me illustrate : there is this topic in taxation 'Bonus Stripping'. I had laughed myself silly at the title! Forgive my obscenity, the section numbers make me think of lingerie and sizes - 32, 34D, 40A, 44B ! And we have some novel ones too - 35D, 43B. No wonder boys find tax so alluring!

Murphy's law is always in full swing during the exams -  When you have nothing to do, the weather is sultry hot and even the thought of stepping out gives you sunburns but when you have humoungous amount of course left, the Rain God opens the door of heavens for you and the weather becomes tantalizingly pleasant, daring you to choose between petrichor and penalties&prosecution. Answer me honestly, which idiot would leave the former for the latter? 
Even the TV people seem to hold some grudge against me : there is nothing but savdhan India/ CID (I hate them to the core) coming up when it is my break but the moment I sit to study, I hear my favourite melody - the music that is played when the WB banner is displayed before the HP movies. How can anyone study with that?!
All the novels seem to be sneering at me from my shelf testing my willpower as I weigh Inheritance of Loss against Profit&gains from Business and profession. I don't know how long the battle would continue and when would I succumb and pick up the novel.

To cap it all, all my friends (of course, Non - CA) are busy making travelling plans when I can't set my foot out of my house without being slashed by an axe placed by ICAI over my head. I am left at a loss of words when each of them voices  the same question that November is ages away then why can't I come. November is N.O.T. fucking ages away and I have so much course left that it won't finish even if I study for 16 hours a day for the remaining 4 months.
Then there is the fact that when I somehow sit to study, my appetite becomes 4times the normal. Late night study especially poses a problem now because how can I explain my famished stomach that Maggi has been banned? Nevertheless, from the old adjectives like giraffe and hanger, I have now moved on to words like jollux. The adipose tissue covering my body is making exercise anathema to me with each passing day. But in my defence,  I'd like to think of the accumulating fat as nourishment and constant supply of ATP for my brain so that I can remember all the assessment procedures.

As I sit to cram that assessment under section 143(3)/144 can be done till 2 years from end of relevant assessment year but assessment u/s 147 is to be completed within 1 year from the end of financial year (and not assessment year!) in which the notice u/s 148 was served, my intractable mind again wanders off... My inner self smugly mocks me and says may be one day you are going to get a phonecall : Namashkaar Surbhi Ji, main Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon Kaun Banega Crorepati se...mere samne yaha Manan Makkar baithe hain aur unhe apki sahayta ki zarurat hai Income Tax ke ek sawaal mein... may be that is where all this Income Tax is going to help me. And oh, of course, to pass the 'approaching-at-the -speed -of -light - and - I-have-gargantuan-amount-of- course- left' exams.
You could pray for me, you know. It is free and some good wishes wouldn't go amiss during a C.R.I.S.I.S. like this.



P.S. 
I tried to keep my frustration to bare minimum albeit the fact that it is so palpable. Thank goodness, there is no tax on the same or I would have been the highest taxpayer.

My Perpetual Perplexity and the Poppycock of Pettifogging People.

The title was not supposed to be so preposterous but then I got pissed and a mad and a frustrated Surbhi Makkar is a dangerous specie, everyone is aware of that fact.


You may ask why I was frustrated in the first place.
TL;DR : CA
The whole story : I have my exams coming up. And the course is so vast that it would put Pacific Ocean to shame. And I was forced to do this balderdash called Advanced IT Training. Some notification was passed this year that made it mandatory for students appearing for their final exams in Nov 2015 to do this training before the end of July. There are just three centers providing the same (Initially there was just one but thankfully it was extended later to three centers). Consequently, there was a mad rush to register for the same as everyone wanted to do it and get over with it asap. I and my friend left early in the morning to avoid wasting time waiting in the queue. But when we reached the institute, we found around 50 people standing in the queue already. We waited for the office to open while the queue behind us got longer, reminding me of Rajiv Chowk Metro Station. Nevertheless, we got our forms after waiting for 1.5 hours. But the battle had just begun. There was another queue for the submission of the forms. We stood for hours in the sultry heat, drenched in sweat, badly tanned, terribly hungry, (in my case alone) eating back my favourite brand of swear words, and finally got ourselves registered for, according to me, a training of no use whatsoever. We were again supposed to come to the institute to collect the confirmation later. 2 days, 48 hours down the drain.

Finally, the training began and ended after 25 days. I don't even have the patience to write about the training - the sheer waste of time and energy it was. Not to mention the two module tests, a project and a group presentation, an online test that I was supposed to clear to get the certificate that stated that I had successfully completed the Advanced (I)rrational (T)otal (T)ime-waste.

Points to be noted :

• The humongous amount of course and 25 days of nonsense of the institute's tyranny right before the exams.
• The unbearable heat and humidity and pollution and sweat resulting in worsening of my skin eruption.

So, I got the certificate.
Now, I had a social obligation coming up. Albeit the fact that I simply hate to attend any social gatherings, I knew I wouldn't miss this one. It was the birthday party of my favourite person in the world. But I also knew of the mindless questions that awaited me there. I think I should give a bit of background here first - 
Last year, I got this allergy which I thought was because of my hectic routine and the pollution that I faced daily while on audit in Okhla (those who have seen this industrial area would understand) but it exacerbated to a major skin eruption and I had to consult a dermatologist. She attributed it to stress. It turned out to be pretty serious; I am still recuperating - I got red marks all over my face.
More than the painful eruptions, I was sick of people looking at the pimples while talking to me. I ain't the one to fuss over looks much but wherever I went, I got not a hello or hi but a lot of stares at my infestation along with "what's with the pimples/ try this try that/ this doctor is the best/ yuck, what have you done to your face/ ew, you  look absolutely gross" and the list is endless. I felt totally helpless. I hate explaining or answering questions that are unnecessary but with this eruption, I found myself bombarded with useless queries ranging from my diet to make-up (make-up? seriously? Surbhi Makkar and make-up are oxymoron and my so-called make-up box includes just a sunscreen. But how many people do I keep explaining this to? It was frustrating.) and of course, suggestions like cleanup, facepacks and stuff (If advising could earn revenue, India would have the highest GDP; everybody is busy advising everybody here.)
But I admit that I tried a few rational 'suggestions' out of desperation - I included Safi and Aloe Vera juice in my diet, bid adieu to sugar in my bournvita, started having green tea. But my coaching and office and stuff in general wreck havoc and things kept going out of hands. It was awful.
But now that coaching got over and I didn't have such a hectic schedule, I thought it would clear up. It WAS clearing up but then this IT training happened and I had to celebrate such a 'pimpled' birthday. Everybody, every single soul (including my family) kept pointing out at the pimples : even if it was out of concern,  I hated the way their eyes moved over the pimples. Well, everybody except one person. My favourite person. I am his favourite too, you see. It didn't matter to him that I had acne all over my face, Manan still wanted to play with me, talk to me without asking or wondering about the pimples. And people ask me why I absolutely adore this kid ; He has been the apple of my eyes since the day he was born. So, I knew I would not miss the special day that God sent me this little gift even if it meant that I had to endure shit from the guests present in the party.

It was a kids' party but there were a few relatives present too that included the dreaded creature - Typical Punjabi Aunties (referred to as TPA hereinafter)

[ what I think inside my head] ; what I say

TPA: Surbhi!

S [why the fuck, did you spot me] Namaste AuntyJi

TPA: Haww, ye ki keeta tu chehre nu?!  (What have you done to your face?)

S [yeah, I bred pimples in my secret lab and then put them on my face and infected them with a virus so that anybody who points out at them shall suffer the same fate] : CA ki tension hai, Auntyji, aur kuch nahi.

TPA : toh CA ki tension kya aise bahar nikal ri hai? Doctor nu kyu ni vikahaya tu? Chehra toh dekh kya haal ho rakha hai! Shaadi kaun karega aise terse?! CA kar ke kya khaali baithegi ghar pe?! Multaani Mitti laga, haldi chandan laga, aise toh sara chehre pe nishaan reh jayenge.

S [ Virat Kohli inspired @^#*@)!%!&@ ; how do they link everything to shaadi? I have always been amazed by their talent]  hanji, Auntyji... chal rahi hai medicine. 

TPA : oily khana band kar de...chal hun bhatura pass kar!

#1facepalm


I have been enduring such crap since July last year. Imagine my frustration...

Dear People (esp TPA)

Acne is deeper than it appears; it comes with an emotional trauma. Try NOT to do these things if you ever meet an acne- inflicted soul - 

• Looking at the pimples and not the eyes when the person is talking. It makes them highly conscious and they start feeling crappy.
• Start suggesting doctors and treatments without their asking you for the same.
• Ask them stupid questions like - Don't you wash your face?
• Start tormenting them with things like - the pimples would leave permanent scars.

If you really want to help, just try to act like you can't see the pimples even if they are highly conspicuous. Try to see the person beyond his/her face - there is more to a person than just looks. If they talk about it to you at all, say encouraging things - there is improvement, it will soon clear up. Be like Manan - accept people without judging them based on their looks or attire or anything for that matter.

Speaking of Manan and his birthday party, I can't help but share this anecdote - 

My 4 years old niece Agamya telling  me how to pose for a pic - 

"B tujhe toh pose krna bhi nahi aata. Aise karte hain *she pouts* dekha nahi hai kya tune sari good girls phone ke aage aise kr ri hoti hai"

#2facepalm

P.s. I shall add her pouting-pictures once I have them. :D

C.A. - Conundrum Ad-infinitum

Conundrum : A confusing problem or question
Ad - infinitum : For ever and ever till hell freezes over

सुकून की बात मत कर ऐ ग़ालिब

बचपन वाला  Sunday अब नहीं आता...

And that is pretty much the story of my life these days.



Everyday, even before the rooster is up, reluctantly leaving the warmth of my quilt, I drag myself out of the bed [Okay, I admit it is only after I have snoozed off the alarm for about 5 times!], to get ready for my coaching.

Packed from tip to toe, braving the cold and fog, I reach the metro station only to see my quarry leaving me behind to wait for the next metro that is scheduled after 10 minutes or so.

-sigh-

I am late again.

The quintessential Surbhi Makkar behaviour.

I pace around the platform watching the fellow passengers, wondering, what in the name of Lord Voldemort, did I do in my past births to have earned this sort of cruelty.

No, I don't mean any offence to ICAI, but what on earth they were thinking while devising such a gruesome manner of butchering students, is a mystery that I have always failed to understand.

I mean, see...nobody, except a valiant CA pursuant, has to go to office AND attend coaching (twice a day, everyday) AND study side by side for the exams so tough that it gives nightmares daily not just because the course is unimaginably vast but also the fact that under the veneer of high standards the institute deliberately sets the papers that spell out : Did-you-think-that-you-would-get-a-degree-you-are-a-fool-We-want-you-all-to-fail...

And I am not even mentioning the harassment that sometimes articles have to face for attending the classes (as if the early morning classes are really a party that we all look forward to)

My firm, thankfully, is flexible enough but there are people who have to leave the class midway to reach office in time...what is the point of paying 25000 bucks...what is the point of making me undergo the training if you don't want me to study and be a CA...what is the point of all this new Companies Act hullabaloo and the amendments that you bring about at the speed of light if you don't fucking give me time to prepare for the exams !??!

and if that wasn't enough, you introduce some crappy mandatory advance IT training, for which you don't have the requisite infrastructure and you make students go all the way to AnandVihar from Dwarka, which we have to do right before our exams.

Oh God, I don't even have the energy to vent out my own frustration, my anger at the harsh provisions, or my fears that I would flunk...why is everybody trying to make my life miserable? :|

There are days when I simply feel like running away from everything. To hell with career, to hell with every damn person...to hell with life.

My train of thoughts is interrupted by the arrival of metro train. I see DR boarding the same metro and I find myself laughing that at least I am not the only one who is late :P

AC's coaching got over already else I would have been accompanied by yet another latelatif :D

I feel really happy when I see somebody who is latelatif-er than even ME :P

As the metro runs, my thoughts too come running back in my mind...hovering over my mind like an eagle waiting to swoop over its prey, the negative thoughts (read worry + frustration + jitters, exacerbated by sleep deprivation) wait to find any crack in my Patronus and make way inside me. But having slept badly at night, I drift off to an uneasy nap.

KS calling...KS calling beeps my mobile...and I know that it is 6:45 already and the class has begun and I am late...again...as usual.

I finally reach the auditorium.

As I enter, I am greeted with a sea of bespectacled students (It is perhaps a fashion to wear specs if you are doing such a demanding course...I wear one too. :P)

From east to west, from north to south, from every nook and cranny of the auditorium, I see about 500 students categorised into following :

1. The Geeky ones taking notes furiously and sparing me a reproving look that says : shame, shame, I know your name...you latecomer girl so lame.

2. The Carefree ones who are busy making aeroplanes in the class.

3. The fashion models - these girls look ready to go to a party. Hats off, pretty ladies. I mean the class begins at 6:30am and it takes a hell lot of time to doll up!

4. The lazybones - mostly boys, they look as if they have come straight out of bed without a shower.

5. The sleeping beauties - those who have paid 25000 and get up at 5:30am to come to the class and sleep.

6. VIPs - people yet to come...I mean, they swagger in really, really late.

7. The DPK people - SK, CJ, CG, GS, JA, SG, JG all of them grinning at me.

8. KS - The girl in lustrous black hair, smiling broadly as I enter.

9. DR - the latelatif from Dwarka walking behind me :P If his friend picks him up from the metro station on his scooty (both of them without helmets :P), he reaches earlier than me :P

10. SM - the showstopper : I, Me, Myself, Surbhi, Surbhi Makkar :D The greatest CA the world would ever see :P

Munching over the eatables that KS brings for me, I look around only to find people (except category 1) looking drowsy. Category 1 people alone have the enigmatic Hermione-Gene to resist the soporific power of the teacher.

I sleep half through my class too, the sleep deprived soul that I am...I suffer from insomnia which magically gets treated during the class :| :P

There is a cute side of CA too. :D

The course is so long and demanding, the classes so many that people get a lot of time to spend with each other :P They get to know each other well and end up being together for lifetime. My cousin keeps telling me about her friends who tied the nuptials after being CAs in the same attempt...so the girl/boy who happens to sit with you during a class merely by a lucky chance  might be the beloved you are destined to be with ! But not everybody is that lucky...there are also cases when Madam meets Sir during CPT...both of them clear the entrance...Madam proves to be a distraction for Sir...She clears the intermediate, Sir could not clear even the first group...Madam clears the final, Sir has still not cleared his first group...ultimately, CA madam breaks up with CPT-cleared Sir who then breaks up with ICAI and drops the course.

so Sirs and Madams, tread very carefully :D

Sometimes, I chide myself for not paying attention..not that I do it deliberately but two classes and 3 hours of travel and the consequential fatigue renders me incapable of understanding the fact that I am really going to regret not listening to the teacher attentively...A LOT.

But then this helplessness at getting caught in the quagmire of so-much-to-do-so-little-time-left engulfs me...Even this blog post is written out of frustration...A sense of hopelessness enslaves my mind and my already overwrought mind pleads me to let it shut down for a while...but something inside me, a little voice fights back and says - it is so easy to tune out, to shut down the systems, to close my eyes and lie back and wait for everything to end...but this is not what life is all about...life is about fighting back to victory.

And with this thought, I keep going day after day...I persevere in hope that I am soon going to reach my goal and turn my dreams into reality -