Grief & Pain

Pre script : I came across this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy and felt a need to share it along with my inputs in hope that it helps people overcome grief and pain. This post is an outcome of my personal experience with grief and how it affected me as a person, how it shaped my personality and more importantly, how I perceived and responded to various forms of relationships and connections due to the same.

I have always believed that love and grief are twin brothers, two sides of the same coin. It is impossible to escape grief, it comes along with love. And similarly, talking about grief is almost like talking about love - it is felt just as deeply, it changes you as a person and it persists almost as long as love.

But first, I'd like to share this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy

1. The Box

Imagine you are the box.

2. The Grief Ball.

Once you suffer some trauma resulting in a deep sense of loss, there is this huge weight that you feel inside your heart. Like a giant ball of grief.

3. The Pain Button

At the inception, the grief ball is gigantic. The moment you try to move the box an iota of an inch, the grief ball hits the pain button. It jumps and rattles hither and thither, at its own whims, and keeps on hitting the pain button over and over again. God, it hurts. It hurts bad. On some days, it feels like you will die of the pain or perhaps wish that you do. Just to stop the pain. But it won't stop. It hits the pain button relentlessly. 

It gets difficult to get on with daily life with this pain inside you all the time. But nobody outside of the box understands the pain. Sometimes you don't understand it yourself! In an attempt to get rid of some weight, you start to unload other people from the boat to save it from sinking due to the heavy weight of the box. Most people would not get this, they might turn hostile and blame you for leaving them. But you can either try to stay afloat and alive or take these blames onto yourself. Perhaps you can try sharing this pain with them. Sometimes, they help you by handing you a life jacket. But mostly, they will find you obnoxious, negative, intense, silent, boring, weird and unbearable. I say, leave these anchors. Clutch to the life jacket. 

Years later, the anchors still blame me. They never understood, they never will unless they go through some life-altering trauma themselves. And the life jacket? Well, I am married to my life jacket.

4. The healing touch of time

With the passage of time, the grief ball gets smaller or may be the box grows bigger, I don't know. But the pain gets better because it hits the pain button less and less. But still, it is as whimsical as ever. Sometimes, it hits the pain button randomly when you least expect it to and it hurts just as much. Sometimes, the anchors come back out of the blue and trigger it and it hurts just as much. 

I personally feel that the grief ball never goes away. It stays as long as the love inside you, it becomes a part of you. However, sometimes, if you're lucky, God sends you a cushion to put on the pain button so that when the grief ball goes awry, it doesn't hit the push button.

The takeaways from the theory  - 

1. We all have a bag but we all pack differently. Some travel light. Some, like me, are secret hoarders - unable to part away with memories. These two mutually exclusive types of people will never be able to understand each other. We can only accept each other for who we are or part ways.

2. People your age who didn't experience life-altering trauma have an absolute advantage over you because while all your efforts were towards survival and keeping yourself afloat, they were free to grow and develop. You might often feel you are not able to relate to them. It's okay!

3. Trust issues become internalized if you did not receive support during your traumatic phase. Ever felt like - "I don't need anyone and I can handle on my own"

It's a survival tactic to shield yourself from  neglect, betrayal and disappointment from those who could not and would not be there for you when they ought to have been there. Such people really have a hard time making connections with people.

4. Trauma survivors often tend to oscillate between past and the future. Basis their experiences in the past, they try to safeguard themselves from similar pain in the future by trying to control everything possible in their hands. It's their way of responding to the uncertainty that the trauma gave them and they do not ever want themselves in the same situation of weakness and pain. 

   

I am not here to judge anyone on how they dealt with their grief and pain. I am not here to preach on ways of dealing with the same. Nor am I here to blame the anchors out there. Because everyone has their own journey and baggage, I just wish we were a more emphatic specie! My learning so far from all of this is that keep your focus on the life jacket and the cushion. The Universe sent them for a reason. Treasure them. Be grateful for them.

P.S. This post is dedicated to my life jacket and also to two most important people of my life- I hope that I make you proud everyday. 

Muzaffarnagar ka noor, Shubhangi Kapoor :P

Tu ek kaam krna...mere pe blog likh de ek !

Roger that !

So here it is :D

Before you read further, I would like you to know that I have taken the liberty to write A LOT about you because I know that you like to read about yourself plus unlike others, I know that you would not mind ANYTHING that I say about you :P

The Introduction

In my initial days at the firm (where both of us are articles) , when I first met her, I could instantly deduce that  Shubhangi Kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar.

She is as garrulous as I am taciturn.

She is as social as I am unsociable.

She is as expressive about everything as I am self-contained and inexpressive.

Since I am not among those gregarious ones, I inferred that both of us would merely be colleagues tied by the common fate of being registered under the same CA.

How very wrong I was.

I might choose to be silent about everything but I observe quite a lot...so after auditing for one whole year, here is my Audit Report for Shubhangi Kapoor Pvt Ltd -

S for Social

She has a hundred friends (and a thousand silly male fans...Remember Luqmaan and Rahul, Shubhangi?! :P ) The moment she uploads a picture, the flood of notifications begins :D As I type this, she is perhaps busy making plans for parties and places she would go on her birthday with her friends...On the contrary, I like to be with my own self on my birthday (or other 364 days of the year  :P)

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Haute Couture

This celebrity of our firm is as girly as I can never be :P If you ever happen to walk with her, she will make you notice clothes and sandals and nail paints (basically all the things that I utterly fail to see) of other girls. While walking, she will constantly keep checking her reflection in any mirror that comes across her way.

The way I keep my blog opened on another tab, she has Jabong and Myntra opened up and keeps checking all the new stuff available...She actually makes an effort to look presentable ALL.THE.TIME which is really hard for me to digest sometimes...I mean I thank all the Gods of the universe when I manage to reach on time for my coaching at 6:30am daily so it really baffles me when she appears all dolled up ! While I like to fill my room with novels, it is clothes and shoes that occupy a huge chunk of her room...well, to each, her own !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

U for Uproarious

She is always so full of energy that I sometimes wonder if she is the brand ambassador of Glucon-D. She is ever - ready for hanging out or shopping no matter how tired she is. I, on the other hand, was perhaps handed over to Makkar family by some sloth...I tend to avoid any activity that involves getting out of bed and being around people :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

B for Bollywood

She is the Wikipedia of Bollywood songs and movies. You can NEVER beat her at antakshari. She has seen all genres of movies from vivah to hate story and is a huge fan of Ranbir Kapoor. :D

I rarely watch Bollywood movies (unless it's JWM, of course!) and am as good as Katrina Kaif is at giving expressions and speaking Hindi, when it comes to remembering songs :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Hearsay

This is her favorite pastime - gossiping ! She knows everything that is happening in the firm...it is obviously a direct consequence of her social nature...She goes up to people to talk to them...she will always have something to tell you...a new story everyday, a new gossip...she can speak at length with or without any topic. On the contrary, all that you can manage to get out of me is a 'yes' or a 'no' on anything and everything :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

A for Audit Files

Ah, my favorite part for reasons as conspicuous as a 6'3'' tall guy ;) :D

The 20 days audit with her was about learning how to charge conveyance, about thums-up, about food, about candy crush, about shopping...Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, the Balance Sheet and P&L account of the company too :P

I diligently took care of all the working papers for 19 days...I gave them to her for a day and she forgot to get them the next day !

I know how to order food properly and she knows how to serve it perfectly (I don't know what I would have done without you ! Who would have opened that delectable shahi paneer for me all those days at the client's place ! Shubhangi, my saviour :P )

She can come up with any bullshit but believable story in a matter of seconds while it shows on my face if I ever try to spin a yarn !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

N for Narender Modi

The only thing she is passionate about apart from shopping is politics ! On the days the Railway and the Union budget came out, she had a heated discussion with the accountant of the client about how Narender Modi is the beacon of hope for the country and can help India get out of the rut...I, on the other hand, gleefully played candy crush while this discussion was on ! I had to tell her twice to chill and that ache din aane wale hain definitely only then did she stop her argument with the accountant !   I have just about as much interest in politics as Hermione Granger has in Quidditch.

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

G for Gluttony

If sloth is the sin that I commit, she is accused of gluttony :P She can gobble up lunch of 3 people all at one go...If she is extra hungry, this number might reach 5 :P And then, she will make the whole office leave all work and help her get her swimming form signed so that she can lose weight :P

Though I eat like a horse too but I can't consume lunch of 3 people at one go :P (Poor Jay! he gets only half a parantha of the 3 paranthas from his own lunch, hats off Shubhangi kapoor :P )

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

I for Inquisitive

This is one trait that I both love and hate about her ! She wants to know everything about everybody ! Albeit the fact that it shows that she's genuinely concerned about people (the reason I love this trait), it irks me a lot if I am asked questions that I do not wish to answer (the reason I hate this trait) ! But thankfully, this Muzzafarnagar Ki Ladki  understood this about me and stopped interviewing me on my personal life though she keeps dropping hints that she knows that there is this big enigma revolving Surbhi Makkar :P As far as I am concerned, I hardly bother about anybody's life and my questions surround the books people are reading and the movies that they have watched :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

Dear Shubhangi,

I know that you somehow already knew that this blog was coming but please act surprised ! :P

I might have written a few things that you might not have liked but it doesn't change the fact that if I am writing this for you, it means you matter A LOT to me...because unlike you, I shall never say it on face if I really care about somebody but prove my loyal friendship in my own small little ways...You already have a carbon copy of Surbhi Makkar in form of Sameeksha so I need not explicitly tell you that some people close their mouth and speak in a thousand different ways...I might be a big fashion disaster in your eyes but I have never had a disastrous friendship with anyone in 22 years of my existence and I think it says something more than what my attire or hairdo or looks do...It is not how attractive a person looks but how reliable, trustworthy and true he/she is that counts and there I score decent enough, I can assure you. I am not a very sensitive person like you who can convey feelings very effectively...I have no shame in accepting that between emotions and my peace of mind, I'd choose peace at any time which might make me appear indifferent but at the same time I am leaving every other work to write this for you...I hope that you get the drift...that you fucking mean a lot to me !

The aforementioned things that I am unable to do, the uninhibited expression of care, is exactly what makes you most endearing...The way you gently hold my hand while crossing the road...I can never ever forget our trip together, it is a beautiful memory I am going to take to my grave with me...The last one Km that you made me cover holding my hand... for those few steps that you walked with me, I shall walk infinite miles for you if you ever need a loyal friend.

You are a gem of a person.

Happy Birthday.

May God bless you.

May all your dreams come true.

May you have as many reasons to smile as the number of stars in the sky.

I love you, Moti :P :)

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S. With this blog, I win over my prejudices and I am really proud of the fact :)

A Letter To My Soul Sister...

Dear Equity shareholder of my soul

The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. Some bonds defy distance. And time. And logic. Because some ties are simply meant to be.

Such bonds are formed in utterly bizarre manner...To put it in a bollywood song language - Aate jaate khoobsurat aawaara sadko pe, kabhi kabhi itefaq se...kitne anjaan log mil jate hain...unme se kuch log bhool jate hain kuch yaad reh jaate hain...of course she is in the latter category.
I plan to change my school, she plans to change her school and both of us meet at DPS R.K.Puram. She was in 8C and I was in 8B. But we both met in our third language class. The day a common friend introduced me to her, I knew we would be good friends. But then somebody  brainwashed me ("why do you fraternise so much with other section people?") I stopped speaking to her. She got hurt but didn't say anything and withdrew. And then it hit me with full force - the loneliness.I missed her. I still remember that day. It was during our PE class and we were in the sports complex when I broke down and apologised.She welcomed me back like nothing had happened. And I knew that day onwards that this bond is going to stay. It was like a silent promise between us.
9th and 10th passed in whirls of time with me teasing her a lot over her love for history :P This girl loves history ! who on earth loves history?!?

It was in 11th that I really got to know her. She took humanities and I opted for commerce.Each morning I would sleepwalk to my class (My school started at  6:50am which means I had to get up at 5:15 to catch my bus which I missed daily by the way. Those who know me well would understand this joke :P) and she would laugh herself silly at my zombie looking manner of dragging myself daily to the third floor and go straight to the restroom to wash my face, first thing in the school :P
During the break she would listen to my rant about how/why my business studies teacher made me do something I didn't want to, how I missed my bus  that day, which novel I completed last night, how I forgot to do some homework, how Voldemort gave harry the scar on his forehead, how something that somebody said to me was bothering me, how I hated getting up in the morning ...I hope you got the drift - she endured every crappy thing that I uttered :P

Then she would make me see sense...that how circumstances or events had no power till I gave them the power to affect me...how I could choose not to look at the negative side of a certain incident...and I would instantly feel better :)

There is this specific incident that she never lets me forget ! I don't know when and why and how I made such a stupid statement - One day, I am going to own more number of cars than the number of clothes you will have! 

Since that day, she has been repeating this to me and I burst out laughing at my own non sense that I once said :P

But I don't mind my own stupidity because she doesn't realise it but I notice the dazzling, to-die-for smile she gives, each time I utter such non sense :) My stupidity mode gets triggered only when I am around people I love dearly, just saying. :)

When I could not make it to SRCC, I went into my crappiest mood ever. I stopped interacting with people. She would call me up and I wouldn't say a word. Trust me, she could understand even my silence...because when words fail, silence speaks - so believes this psycho !

Oh, by the way, that's what I call her...psycho...and it's definitely not because she has done psychology hons from LSR :P

There comes a phase in every body's life when things start to take toll on you...they tend to bog you down..It comes in waves. There’s a lull and then another wave hits you. She has always been there to tell me that it’s okay not to be fine sometimes...

If ever she starts a company, its tag line is going to be - The Power is Within You ! :D Believe me, she kept telling me this till my negativity finally gave up and said- I am sorry, psycho that I ever dared to trouble your friend. You win and I lose. I will never bother her again! :P

Ain't she such a superhero kind?! :D Is boost the secret of your energy, psycho?! or is it tann ki shakti, mann ki shakti bournvita?! :P 

For the past 4 years, there has been this silly routine with me...to send goodnight messages to people...it's my way of telling them that you mean a lot to me. I had about 10 people in that list initially. Gradually things changed and people left. Now it's only her in that list. She has been diligently replying to each and every text that I send her. Each morning, I get up to her replies which are full of positivity and hope that keep me going throughout the day.

Yes, some things touch you. You cannot explain how. But they leave a lasting impact on your heart.. and mind. And soul.they become a part of you. And they are there to stay. To change you. To make you a better person.They keep you going. And at the end of everything that’s all that matters.

I don’t have to be with you to know you’re there. We don’t have to see each other to know that we care. We could be apart for years upon end and still remain the best of friends. Life goes on and people change. And through it all, our friendship shall remain the same no matter how things come to be, just thought that you should know how much you mean to me...because tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi :)

I can't wait to go on that fr-acation with you ;) :D

Happy Birthday, Ashu :)

You mean a lot to me.

I can't possibly put into words that tell you how much your friendship matters to me...and I know you would not want me to...because I know you understand.

I'd like to end with your fav song that pretty much says what I wish to convey - 

चलते चलते, मेरे ये गीत याद रखना

कभी अलविदा ना कहना, कभी अलविदा ना कहना.

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S.
This is dedicated to you, check out the song.

count on me