Grief & Pain

Pre script : I came across this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy and felt a need to share it along with my inputs in hope that it helps people overcome grief and pain. This post is an outcome of my personal experience with grief and how it affected me as a person, how it shaped my personality and more importantly, how I perceived and responded to various forms of relationships and connections due to the same.

I have always believed that love and grief are twin brothers, two sides of the same coin. It is impossible to escape grief, it comes along with love. And similarly, talking about grief is almost like talking about love - it is felt just as deeply, it changes you as a person and it persists almost as long as love.

But first, I'd like to share this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy

1. The Box

Imagine you are the box.

2. The Grief Ball.

Once you suffer some trauma resulting in a deep sense of loss, there is this huge weight that you feel inside your heart. Like a giant ball of grief.

3. The Pain Button

At the inception, the grief ball is gigantic. The moment you try to move the box an iota of an inch, the grief ball hits the pain button. It jumps and rattles hither and thither, at its own whims, and keeps on hitting the pain button over and over again. God, it hurts. It hurts bad. On some days, it feels like you will die of the pain or perhaps wish that you do. Just to stop the pain. But it won't stop. It hits the pain button relentlessly. 

It gets difficult to get on with daily life with this pain inside you all the time. But nobody outside of the box understands the pain. Sometimes you don't understand it yourself! In an attempt to get rid of some weight, you start to unload other people from the boat to save it from sinking due to the heavy weight of the box. Most people would not get this, they might turn hostile and blame you for leaving them. But you can either try to stay afloat and alive or take these blames onto yourself. Perhaps you can try sharing this pain with them. Sometimes, they help you by handing you a life jacket. But mostly, they will find you obnoxious, negative, intense, silent, boring, weird and unbearable. I say, leave these anchors. Clutch to the life jacket. 

Years later, the anchors still blame me. They never understood, they never will unless they go through some life-altering trauma themselves. And the life jacket? Well, I am married to my life jacket.

4. The healing touch of time

With the passage of time, the grief ball gets smaller or may be the box grows bigger, I don't know. But the pain gets better because it hits the pain button less and less. But still, it is as whimsical as ever. Sometimes, it hits the pain button randomly when you least expect it to and it hurts just as much. Sometimes, the anchors come back out of the blue and trigger it and it hurts just as much. 

I personally feel that the grief ball never goes away. It stays as long as the love inside you, it becomes a part of you. However, sometimes, if you're lucky, God sends you a cushion to put on the pain button so that when the grief ball goes awry, it doesn't hit the push button.

The takeaways from the theory  - 

1. We all have a bag but we all pack differently. Some travel light. Some, like me, are secret hoarders - unable to part away with memories. These two mutually exclusive types of people will never be able to understand each other. We can only accept each other for who we are or part ways.

2. People your age who didn't experience life-altering trauma have an absolute advantage over you because while all your efforts were towards survival and keeping yourself afloat, they were free to grow and develop. You might often feel you are not able to relate to them. It's okay!

3. Trust issues become internalized if you did not receive support during your traumatic phase. Ever felt like - "I don't need anyone and I can handle on my own"

It's a survival tactic to shield yourself from  neglect, betrayal and disappointment from those who could not and would not be there for you when they ought to have been there. Such people really have a hard time making connections with people.

4. Trauma survivors often tend to oscillate between past and the future. Basis their experiences in the past, they try to safeguard themselves from similar pain in the future by trying to control everything possible in their hands. It's their way of responding to the uncertainty that the trauma gave them and they do not ever want themselves in the same situation of weakness and pain. 

   

I am not here to judge anyone on how they dealt with their grief and pain. I am not here to preach on ways of dealing with the same. Nor am I here to blame the anchors out there. Because everyone has their own journey and baggage, I just wish we were a more emphatic specie! My learning so far from all of this is that keep your focus on the life jacket and the cushion. The Universe sent them for a reason. Treasure them. Be grateful for them.

P.S. This post is dedicated to my life jacket and also to two most important people of my life- I hope that I make you proud everyday. 

Rehne do chhodo bhi jaane do yaar; hum na karenge pyaar :D

Disclaimer : 

a) This post is full of gallows humour. Narrow- minded people who take everything very personally may please refrain from reading this post... for I have no intention of offending anybody in any manner. I am only responsible for what I say and not for what you understand and perceive. 

b) Since the topic is very sensitive and heart-achingly (quite literally!) familiar to all, I would like to say beforehand that this post has very personal opinions as to why I am so averse to everything related to love and I, by no means, intend to preach anybody anything. 

c) The pictures have been inserted hither and thither just to jazz up the humour content of the post.

Apart from tax, there is this one enigma that I absolutely fail to understand - LOVE !

Ever since I gained sense, I have always considered love to be the very essence of our lives. They say that we learn to love even before we are born - as a fetus in the womb, we fall in love with our nurturer. As a kid, we fall in love with the caring eyes, the affectionate faces and the tender hands of our parents. But as we grow up, we tend to distort this beautiful feeling all together! I mean, see, isn't love supposed to be something that lights up your eyes like a blind man seeing sunshine for the first time? Instead, what I have always seen in my friends' eyes are tears! Isn't love supposed to be your sanctuary when your mind searches for solace and peace? But on the contrary, what I find is chaos and stress everywhere I look!

Of course my brother's suspicions could be true that I belong to Pluto, and not Earth, with my own stupid ideologies and beliefs about everything... but I would rather stand by my gobbledygook that to love means to slowly break down a person's walls without him/her noticing and then rebuilding them with windows to let the sunshine in, than accept what my eyes show me all around - darkness and depression because of love. So it's either me or there is something grossly wrong with the way people interpret love.

Before you declare me to be an alien from Pluto, I would like to first substantiate my basis of enunciating the above statements with the instances of love I have seen in 24 years of my existence in this universe -

1. The Fri-end Love

This is the love that begins on Monday and ends by Friday. The weekend is for recuperating with loads of booze/ ice cream. The next week, of course, brings a new story. Each Monday is an inception and each Friday is a breakup.

I remember wasting my chocolates for cheering up one such friend. I saw her crying her eyes out over her recent breakup (it was Friday) and offered her chocolates out of humanity. She had them all. She was seen with a new guy on Monday.

Lesson learnt : Never waste your chocolates on anybody. EVER. Eat them all by yourself.

2. The K K K Kiran Love

The obsessive love. While it evokes outrageous amount of passion in one party, for the other it is absolutely nightmarish! Kindly remember that there is always a Sunny Deol with his dhaai kilo ka haath, protecting his Kiran and that SRK dies in the end, before venturing into obsessive kind of love.

Query : What is the point of such an infatuation? You can never force anybody to love you, can you? Unless you can brew a love potion. But even in that case, you risk creating Lord Voldemort.

3. The Ex Parte Love

The one-sided-love. Another category of troublesome love, one sided love often enkindles unrealistic expectations in the party in question. The other party, usually uninterested, is caught unawares by surprise gifts and flowers and messages dedicated to them.

The consequences of this kind of love range from pitiful friend-zoning to dangerous 'wo meri nahi hogi to kisi aur ki bhi nahi hogi' psyche resulting in blackmails, acid attacks or kidnapping or sometimes gruesome murders.

Query : Again, you cannot chain anybody and make them love you... what then is the point of expending all your energy at a place where one gets no reciprocation? Personally, I believe that what's yours comes to you no matter what and what is not meant to be yours is not going to stay with you no matter what! doesn't that make running after a person, who doesn't give a damn to your existence, totally futile?

4. The 'It happens only in India' Love

This has 2 dimensions -

a) Religion

Interfaith love has no unconditional acceptance in India. Period. I have read countless cases in the newspaper and have seen numerous movies on the same theme. Either or both the parties are shunned by their families for sake of religion. What I have always failed to understand is that every religion propagates love and in no religion does God ever utter a single syllable about killing one another in the name of religion... who, then, are human beings to kill His creations in the name of religion? This issue is so deep rooted and misunderstood and sensitive that I am afraid of deviating from the theme of this post if I delve further into this!

b) Caste

Another mystery I have never been able to decode. My own friends have been a victim of this and I don't even have the heart to touch upon the pain and misery it brings.

Query: Seriously, just one question - would you want your daughter/sister to be with a Hindu guy who indulges in domestic violence or a Muslim guy who keeps her happy? How does being with someone of the same caste guarantee happiness in any way?

5. The I-don't-walk-my-talk Love

People who promise the moon and the stars on paper and in face of even a slight adversity, jilt you in the middle of a landfill that leaves you stinking for a lifetime!

Lesson learnt : This, honestly, appears to be the worst form of relationship to me. It would leave you scarred not just as a lover but as a human being in general as it shakes one's faith in humanity.

6. The Gay Love

This is just to raise the humour quotient in this post :P

Imagine walking down the lanes of your campus with your male buddy expecting a 'I like you' at the very least. Instead, what you hear him saying is "I am gay and I like your brother"! :D

N.B : No offence intended.

7. The Infidelity-Apology-Pendulum Love

This is the most common love in DU ! I had tons of friends who had steady girlfriends somewhere and they would leave no chance of a fling with random girls they happen to meet anywhere!

Now, there can be two possibilities -

a) The steady girlfriend remains in dark about the flings.

b) The steady girlfriend somehow finds out about the flings and breaks up.

Possibility 'a' is a far-fetched theoretical situation because girls have uncanny abilities to find out everything. So ultimately, we arrive at possibility 'b' and now begins the circle of breakup followed by constant apologies and requests for patch-up. The steady girlfriend usually agrees out of past feelings. Things get better. The guy gets complacent and succumbs to temptation of flings again. Hence the nomenclature 'Pendulum'. Please note that girls too fall in the trap of flings and by no means, do I wish to imply here that this category is for boys alone.

Query : Why does the need for flings arise when you already are in love with somebody? I mean, logically, there can be only one inference of flings that you are not happy with the one you are with! So why the fake drama of commitment? It is like person has two separate needs of love and lust. For love, there is one steady relationship and for lust, there are numerous flings!

8. The No means Yes Love

It may be a subset of category#2 or #3. It is the kind of love in which one party constantly declines the offer in every possible manner but the other party is adamant in a very filmy way and has a topsy-turvy lexicon which says no means yes. I, personally, find this category, which is generally seen among boys, to be funny in an absolutely pathetic way. Why? Because I have seen my friends literally kowtowing to the person, who isn't remotely interested in them. 

My advice : Buy a new dictionary from here.

9. The 'Use Me as a Doormat' love

I will try to illustrate this in a very practical way. Did you have that geeky topper friend in college who was suddenly seen teaching/helping in practical files/completing assignments of the hottest girl in the class during the exam season? Well, I am going to let the cat out of the bag (sorry, girls!) - I have heard my female friends talking in the girls' room about how the geek was infatuated with them and would readily do anything just to talk to them. So they brutally ignore him the whole year... during the exam season, a little flirtatious smile does the trick and voila, they have all the notes and assignments and important questions lent to them by the geek. I feel sorry for the poor geek who, despite being the brightest and smartest in the class, gets fooled again and again, under the impression that those smiles genuinely mean something.

Query  : I am confused between the essential character of this category of love - is it the geeks's foolishness or the self-centeredness of the girl? 

 

(Geeks would understand this Rubik's Cube meme:P)

10. The 'Father of the Nation' Love
Well, the only place I like Mahatma Gandhi is on a currency note so when I say Father of the Nation, I mean money. 
This category of love is based purely on pecuniary interests. It is generally dominated by girls. Haven't you had any friend whose girlfriend left him for a richer guy? Or who was abandoned because he didn't gift her a brand new Iphone for her birthday? 
Query : I am a little confused. They do have a point though. I mean, people who claim love is more important than money... do they pay their bills with a hug?! But still, I personally feel that money can buy you a dog but you need love to make it wag its tail at you. 

11. The  Transitive Love
Remember that boring chapter in Maths - sets and relations? So, there was this category of relations called transitive relations. Simply put, if a>b, b>c then a>c. While this might hold true in the world of mathematics, it is impossible to be transitive in real life relations without involving a lot of pain for more than one person! A loves B, B loves C, C loves D and D loves A. Imagine the kind of pain and longing each of these four persons suffer when they see that the one they love doesn't love them back.   
This category of relationship has inspired a lot of Bollywood movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Dil toh Pagal hai etc but most of them end up being a love triangle and eventually the hero gets to be with his happily-ever-after. Sadly, life is not a movie!
My Advice : Never fall in love with a person who loves somebody else already. EVER.

12. The 'My parents want to marry you' Love
Well, this is India-specific relationship. The boy (or girl) stays in a relationship for a number of years and then suddenly his (her) mother rejects her (or him) for some silly reason like complexion\ height\job\amount of adipose tissue\shape of nose\too crazy about harry potter etc and the boy breaks up even before one can utter WTF! 
This category reminds me of Chetan Bhagat's 2 States... the boy loves the girl...the girl loves the boy...  the girl's family has to love the boy... the boy's family has to love the girl... boy's family has to love the girl's family...the girl's family has to love the boy's family... and in the process, if there is still any love left between the boy and the girl, they get married !

Query : seriously, does your mother have to live with him\her for a lifetime or you? Your parents already have each other and now it is not their but your life partner that you have to choose for heaven's sake!
(Also, in my personal opinion, If you find someone who is just as crazy about Harry Potter as you are, marry him\her without further ado ! :D )


13. The Dominating Love

Easy, fans of Fifty Shades (there are fans of this book?! Whoa.), I mean dominating in the normal way! The category where the person with deeper, more intense feelings is dominated by the other one who is aware of the fact that he/she has an upper hand because of vulnerability of the partner so he/she constantly hangs this axe of  'I am breaking up with you' on his/her partner and always has his/her way by emotional blackmail!

Query : I don't know if this 'coercion' even qualifies as love...I mean, this self- righteousness, is this even love? How long can anybody sustain such an emotionally draining relationship? And Why?

Of course, I understand that this is entirely an abstract concept and is subject to personal opinions... because you cannot control anybody's free will, that's the thumb rule when it comes to human psyche. And then there is another factor of looks! People are often deceived by looks... Cupid, they say, is blind! and by the time they realise that they bought silver misconstruing it to be platinum, they are already in the middle of relationship and getting out of it is a painful business for both the parties.

In the end, I am left as baffled by this mystery of what/how/why/where of love as I was before writing this post and wholeheartedly support all my friends' prophecies about how I am going to die single because my mathematics says alone > wrong.

But I can safely infer that love is congruous to CA Final -

• There is a lot of input involved. When I say a lot, I mean to say backbreaking, extremely arduous, involving sleep deprivation and nervous breakdown,  totally frustrating, mentally draining kind of effort. (Love totally requires painstaking effort)

• Your effort won't guarantee that you'd understand what the situation demands. (Who can understand why boys go nuts over shapes and sizes? And honestly, has anyone of you ever understood how a girl's mind works?)

• There is always a possibility of all your input going waste because of some amendment. (boyfriend, girlfriend and Wo! you can never know when a third person enters and ruins everything that you have created so far.)

• You might put as much input as you are capable of and still the output remains as uncertain and elusive as the identity of batman is for the people of Gotham City. (Are we ever sure of matters of the heart?)

Anybody who has answers to my queries may please comment in the comment-section!

Yours sincerely

Agony Aunt :P

THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF SURBHI MAKKAR

I love you the way certain dark things are to be loved...in secret...between the shadow and the soul.

Ah, how I love the feel of you in my hands...the sleek and smooth body...the shape and cut so perfect that I can barely resist you...

I love the way you say "surbhi" whenever I turn you on... with my long fingers moving all over you, taking in every minute detail of you, drinking in my personal brand of wine...a wine so addictive that I lose all inhibitions and succumb...the nights I spend with you turn out to be my best, clearing frustration out of every cell of my body...closing my eyes to the world, I fall in love with you and stay there till my heart's desire.

there is nothing more nice;

there is nothing much worser;

than me as your vice

and you as my versa.

I belong to you the way you belong to me...
I chose you the way a wand chooses its wizard...

It has been one whole year since you came into my life and you have turned around my world...with you, I spend my days and with you, I spend my nights...you fulfil whatever my heart yearns for... like Aladdin's genie...you are mine; I love you :)

Dear all, 

This blog is not a lovesick girl's diary...I am talking about my Lenovo Laptop :D I bought it on this day last year and I have been enjoying every moment spent on it - writing my blogs, my CA video classes, movies, pictures and videos of every person close to me, music...my love takes care of everything for me :D And I cherish it no less! I keep it all clean and safe and away from potential mishandlers of  my sacrosanct. I know it is silly and many would consider me materialistic, loving a laptop, but the fact remains that it has been loyally been there with me during all kinds of situations and has a major role in my work assignments...and I don't think there is anything wrong in loving something that brings out the best in you both professionally and personally...and to every person who says that it is just a machine and my love is 'one sided', I wish to state that it has my feelings (happiness, sorrow, anger, serenity, frustration, loneliness, pain, worry, jitters - I have shared every wretched emotion with my laptop in form of work or blog or movie or music!) attached to it and it never fails to cheer me up when it says so faithfully "surbhi makkar".

#Break the love laws...that lay down who should be loved...and how...and how much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLACK BEAUTY (though you are really a beast when it comes to performance!)

Muzaffarnagar ka noor, Shubhangi Kapoor :P

Tu ek kaam krna...mere pe blog likh de ek !

Roger that !

So here it is :D

Before you read further, I would like you to know that I have taken the liberty to write A LOT about you because I know that you like to read about yourself plus unlike others, I know that you would not mind ANYTHING that I say about you :P

The Introduction

In my initial days at the firm (where both of us are articles) , when I first met her, I could instantly deduce that  Shubhangi Kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar.

She is as garrulous as I am taciturn.

She is as social as I am unsociable.

She is as expressive about everything as I am self-contained and inexpressive.

Since I am not among those gregarious ones, I inferred that both of us would merely be colleagues tied by the common fate of being registered under the same CA.

How very wrong I was.

I might choose to be silent about everything but I observe quite a lot...so after auditing for one whole year, here is my Audit Report for Shubhangi Kapoor Pvt Ltd -

S for Social

She has a hundred friends (and a thousand silly male fans...Remember Luqmaan and Rahul, Shubhangi?! :P ) The moment she uploads a picture, the flood of notifications begins :D As I type this, she is perhaps busy making plans for parties and places she would go on her birthday with her friends...On the contrary, I like to be with my own self on my birthday (or other 364 days of the year  :P)

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Haute Couture

This celebrity of our firm is as girly as I can never be :P If you ever happen to walk with her, she will make you notice clothes and sandals and nail paints (basically all the things that I utterly fail to see) of other girls. While walking, she will constantly keep checking her reflection in any mirror that comes across her way.

The way I keep my blog opened on another tab, she has Jabong and Myntra opened up and keeps checking all the new stuff available...She actually makes an effort to look presentable ALL.THE.TIME which is really hard for me to digest sometimes...I mean I thank all the Gods of the universe when I manage to reach on time for my coaching at 6:30am daily so it really baffles me when she appears all dolled up ! While I like to fill my room with novels, it is clothes and shoes that occupy a huge chunk of her room...well, to each, her own !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

U for Uproarious

She is always so full of energy that I sometimes wonder if she is the brand ambassador of Glucon-D. She is ever - ready for hanging out or shopping no matter how tired she is. I, on the other hand, was perhaps handed over to Makkar family by some sloth...I tend to avoid any activity that involves getting out of bed and being around people :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

B for Bollywood

She is the Wikipedia of Bollywood songs and movies. You can NEVER beat her at antakshari. She has seen all genres of movies from vivah to hate story and is a huge fan of Ranbir Kapoor. :D

I rarely watch Bollywood movies (unless it's JWM, of course!) and am as good as Katrina Kaif is at giving expressions and speaking Hindi, when it comes to remembering songs :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Hearsay

This is her favorite pastime - gossiping ! She knows everything that is happening in the firm...it is obviously a direct consequence of her social nature...She goes up to people to talk to them...she will always have something to tell you...a new story everyday, a new gossip...she can speak at length with or without any topic. On the contrary, all that you can manage to get out of me is a 'yes' or a 'no' on anything and everything :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

A for Audit Files

Ah, my favorite part for reasons as conspicuous as a 6'3'' tall guy ;) :D

The 20 days audit with her was about learning how to charge conveyance, about thums-up, about food, about candy crush, about shopping...Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, the Balance Sheet and P&L account of the company too :P

I diligently took care of all the working papers for 19 days...I gave them to her for a day and she forgot to get them the next day !

I know how to order food properly and she knows how to serve it perfectly (I don't know what I would have done without you ! Who would have opened that delectable shahi paneer for me all those days at the client's place ! Shubhangi, my saviour :P )

She can come up with any bullshit but believable story in a matter of seconds while it shows on my face if I ever try to spin a yarn !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

N for Narender Modi

The only thing she is passionate about apart from shopping is politics ! On the days the Railway and the Union budget came out, she had a heated discussion with the accountant of the client about how Narender Modi is the beacon of hope for the country and can help India get out of the rut...I, on the other hand, gleefully played candy crush while this discussion was on ! I had to tell her twice to chill and that ache din aane wale hain definitely only then did she stop her argument with the accountant !   I have just about as much interest in politics as Hermione Granger has in Quidditch.

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

G for Gluttony

If sloth is the sin that I commit, she is accused of gluttony :P She can gobble up lunch of 3 people all at one go...If she is extra hungry, this number might reach 5 :P And then, she will make the whole office leave all work and help her get her swimming form signed so that she can lose weight :P

Though I eat like a horse too but I can't consume lunch of 3 people at one go :P (Poor Jay! he gets only half a parantha of the 3 paranthas from his own lunch, hats off Shubhangi kapoor :P )

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

I for Inquisitive

This is one trait that I both love and hate about her ! She wants to know everything about everybody ! Albeit the fact that it shows that she's genuinely concerned about people (the reason I love this trait), it irks me a lot if I am asked questions that I do not wish to answer (the reason I hate this trait) ! But thankfully, this Muzzafarnagar Ki Ladki  understood this about me and stopped interviewing me on my personal life though she keeps dropping hints that she knows that there is this big enigma revolving Surbhi Makkar :P As far as I am concerned, I hardly bother about anybody's life and my questions surround the books people are reading and the movies that they have watched :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

Dear Shubhangi,

I know that you somehow already knew that this blog was coming but please act surprised ! :P

I might have written a few things that you might not have liked but it doesn't change the fact that if I am writing this for you, it means you matter A LOT to me...because unlike you, I shall never say it on face if I really care about somebody but prove my loyal friendship in my own small little ways...You already have a carbon copy of Surbhi Makkar in form of Sameeksha so I need not explicitly tell you that some people close their mouth and speak in a thousand different ways...I might be a big fashion disaster in your eyes but I have never had a disastrous friendship with anyone in 22 years of my existence and I think it says something more than what my attire or hairdo or looks do...It is not how attractive a person looks but how reliable, trustworthy and true he/she is that counts and there I score decent enough, I can assure you. I am not a very sensitive person like you who can convey feelings very effectively...I have no shame in accepting that between emotions and my peace of mind, I'd choose peace at any time which might make me appear indifferent but at the same time I am leaving every other work to write this for you...I hope that you get the drift...that you fucking mean a lot to me !

The aforementioned things that I am unable to do, the uninhibited expression of care, is exactly what makes you most endearing...The way you gently hold my hand while crossing the road...I can never ever forget our trip together, it is a beautiful memory I am going to take to my grave with me...The last one Km that you made me cover holding my hand... for those few steps that you walked with me, I shall walk infinite miles for you if you ever need a loyal friend.

You are a gem of a person.

Happy Birthday.

May God bless you.

May all your dreams come true.

May you have as many reasons to smile as the number of stars in the sky.

I love you, Moti :P :)

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S. With this blog, I win over my prejudices and I am really proud of the fact :)

A Letter To My Soul Sister...

Dear Equity shareholder of my soul

The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. Some bonds defy distance. And time. And logic. Because some ties are simply meant to be.

Such bonds are formed in utterly bizarre manner...To put it in a bollywood song language - Aate jaate khoobsurat aawaara sadko pe, kabhi kabhi itefaq se...kitne anjaan log mil jate hain...unme se kuch log bhool jate hain kuch yaad reh jaate hain...of course she is in the latter category.
I plan to change my school, she plans to change her school and both of us meet at DPS R.K.Puram. She was in 8C and I was in 8B. But we both met in our third language class. The day a common friend introduced me to her, I knew we would be good friends. But then somebody  brainwashed me ("why do you fraternise so much with other section people?") I stopped speaking to her. She got hurt but didn't say anything and withdrew. And then it hit me with full force - the loneliness.I missed her. I still remember that day. It was during our PE class and we were in the sports complex when I broke down and apologised.She welcomed me back like nothing had happened. And I knew that day onwards that this bond is going to stay. It was like a silent promise between us.
9th and 10th passed in whirls of time with me teasing her a lot over her love for history :P This girl loves history ! who on earth loves history?!?

It was in 11th that I really got to know her. She took humanities and I opted for commerce.Each morning I would sleepwalk to my class (My school started at  6:50am which means I had to get up at 5:15 to catch my bus which I missed daily by the way. Those who know me well would understand this joke :P) and she would laugh herself silly at my zombie looking manner of dragging myself daily to the third floor and go straight to the restroom to wash my face, first thing in the school :P
During the break she would listen to my rant about how/why my business studies teacher made me do something I didn't want to, how I missed my bus  that day, which novel I completed last night, how I forgot to do some homework, how Voldemort gave harry the scar on his forehead, how something that somebody said to me was bothering me, how I hated getting up in the morning ...I hope you got the drift - she endured every crappy thing that I uttered :P

Then she would make me see sense...that how circumstances or events had no power till I gave them the power to affect me...how I could choose not to look at the negative side of a certain incident...and I would instantly feel better :)

There is this specific incident that she never lets me forget ! I don't know when and why and how I made such a stupid statement - One day, I am going to own more number of cars than the number of clothes you will have! 

Since that day, she has been repeating this to me and I burst out laughing at my own non sense that I once said :P

But I don't mind my own stupidity because she doesn't realise it but I notice the dazzling, to-die-for smile she gives, each time I utter such non sense :) My stupidity mode gets triggered only when I am around people I love dearly, just saying. :)

When I could not make it to SRCC, I went into my crappiest mood ever. I stopped interacting with people. She would call me up and I wouldn't say a word. Trust me, she could understand even my silence...because when words fail, silence speaks - so believes this psycho !

Oh, by the way, that's what I call her...psycho...and it's definitely not because she has done psychology hons from LSR :P

There comes a phase in every body's life when things start to take toll on you...they tend to bog you down..It comes in waves. There’s a lull and then another wave hits you. She has always been there to tell me that it’s okay not to be fine sometimes...

If ever she starts a company, its tag line is going to be - The Power is Within You ! :D Believe me, she kept telling me this till my negativity finally gave up and said- I am sorry, psycho that I ever dared to trouble your friend. You win and I lose. I will never bother her again! :P

Ain't she such a superhero kind?! :D Is boost the secret of your energy, psycho?! or is it tann ki shakti, mann ki shakti bournvita?! :P 

For the past 4 years, there has been this silly routine with me...to send goodnight messages to people...it's my way of telling them that you mean a lot to me. I had about 10 people in that list initially. Gradually things changed and people left. Now it's only her in that list. She has been diligently replying to each and every text that I send her. Each morning, I get up to her replies which are full of positivity and hope that keep me going throughout the day.

Yes, some things touch you. You cannot explain how. But they leave a lasting impact on your heart.. and mind. And soul.they become a part of you. And they are there to stay. To change you. To make you a better person.They keep you going. And at the end of everything that’s all that matters.

I don’t have to be with you to know you’re there. We don’t have to see each other to know that we care. We could be apart for years upon end and still remain the best of friends. Life goes on and people change. And through it all, our friendship shall remain the same no matter how things come to be, just thought that you should know how much you mean to me...because tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi :)

I can't wait to go on that fr-acation with you ;) :D

Happy Birthday, Ashu :)

You mean a lot to me.

I can't possibly put into words that tell you how much your friendship matters to me...and I know you would not want me to...because I know you understand.

I'd like to end with your fav song that pretty much says what I wish to convey - 

चलते चलते, मेरे ये गीत याद रखना

कभी अलविदा ना कहना, कभी अलविदा ना कहना.

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S.
This is dedicated to you, check out the song.

count on me