Muzaffarnagar ka noor, Shubhangi Kapoor :P

Tu ek kaam krna...mere pe blog likh de ek !

Roger that !

So here it is :D

Before you read further, I would like you to know that I have taken the liberty to write A LOT about you because I know that you like to read about yourself plus unlike others, I know that you would not mind ANYTHING that I say about you :P

The Introduction

In my initial days at the firm (where both of us are articles) , when I first met her, I could instantly deduce that  Shubhangi Kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar.

She is as garrulous as I am taciturn.

She is as social as I am unsociable.

She is as expressive about everything as I am self-contained and inexpressive.

Since I am not among those gregarious ones, I inferred that both of us would merely be colleagues tied by the common fate of being registered under the same CA.

How very wrong I was.

I might choose to be silent about everything but I observe quite a lot...so after auditing for one whole year, here is my Audit Report for Shubhangi Kapoor Pvt Ltd -

S for Social

She has a hundred friends (and a thousand silly male fans...Remember Luqmaan and Rahul, Shubhangi?! :P ) The moment she uploads a picture, the flood of notifications begins :D As I type this, she is perhaps busy making plans for parties and places she would go on her birthday with her friends...On the contrary, I like to be with my own self on my birthday (or other 364 days of the year  :P)

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Haute Couture

This celebrity of our firm is as girly as I can never be :P If you ever happen to walk with her, she will make you notice clothes and sandals and nail paints (basically all the things that I utterly fail to see) of other girls. While walking, she will constantly keep checking her reflection in any mirror that comes across her way.

The way I keep my blog opened on another tab, she has Jabong and Myntra opened up and keeps checking all the new stuff available...She actually makes an effort to look presentable ALL.THE.TIME which is really hard for me to digest sometimes...I mean I thank all the Gods of the universe when I manage to reach on time for my coaching at 6:30am daily so it really baffles me when she appears all dolled up ! While I like to fill my room with novels, it is clothes and shoes that occupy a huge chunk of her room...well, to each, her own !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

U for Uproarious

She is always so full of energy that I sometimes wonder if she is the brand ambassador of Glucon-D. She is ever - ready for hanging out or shopping no matter how tired she is. I, on the other hand, was perhaps handed over to Makkar family by some sloth...I tend to avoid any activity that involves getting out of bed and being around people :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

B for Bollywood

She is the Wikipedia of Bollywood songs and movies. You can NEVER beat her at antakshari. She has seen all genres of movies from vivah to hate story and is a huge fan of Ranbir Kapoor. :D

I rarely watch Bollywood movies (unless it's JWM, of course!) and am as good as Katrina Kaif is at giving expressions and speaking Hindi, when it comes to remembering songs :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Hearsay

This is her favorite pastime - gossiping ! She knows everything that is happening in the firm...it is obviously a direct consequence of her social nature...She goes up to people to talk to them...she will always have something to tell you...a new story everyday, a new gossip...she can speak at length with or without any topic. On the contrary, all that you can manage to get out of me is a 'yes' or a 'no' on anything and everything :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

A for Audit Files

Ah, my favorite part for reasons as conspicuous as a 6'3'' tall guy ;) :D

The 20 days audit with her was about learning how to charge conveyance, about thums-up, about food, about candy crush, about shopping...Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, the Balance Sheet and P&L account of the company too :P

I diligently took care of all the working papers for 19 days...I gave them to her for a day and she forgot to get them the next day !

I know how to order food properly and she knows how to serve it perfectly (I don't know what I would have done without you ! Who would have opened that delectable shahi paneer for me all those days at the client's place ! Shubhangi, my saviour :P )

She can come up with any bullshit but believable story in a matter of seconds while it shows on my face if I ever try to spin a yarn !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

N for Narender Modi

The only thing she is passionate about apart from shopping is politics ! On the days the Railway and the Union budget came out, she had a heated discussion with the accountant of the client about how Narender Modi is the beacon of hope for the country and can help India get out of the rut...I, on the other hand, gleefully played candy crush while this discussion was on ! I had to tell her twice to chill and that ache din aane wale hain definitely only then did she stop her argument with the accountant !   I have just about as much interest in politics as Hermione Granger has in Quidditch.

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

G for Gluttony

If sloth is the sin that I commit, she is accused of gluttony :P She can gobble up lunch of 3 people all at one go...If she is extra hungry, this number might reach 5 :P And then, she will make the whole office leave all work and help her get her swimming form signed so that she can lose weight :P

Though I eat like a horse too but I can't consume lunch of 3 people at one go :P (Poor Jay! he gets only half a parantha of the 3 paranthas from his own lunch, hats off Shubhangi kapoor :P )

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

I for Inquisitive

This is one trait that I both love and hate about her ! She wants to know everything about everybody ! Albeit the fact that it shows that she's genuinely concerned about people (the reason I love this trait), it irks me a lot if I am asked questions that I do not wish to answer (the reason I hate this trait) ! But thankfully, this Muzzafarnagar Ki Ladki  understood this about me and stopped interviewing me on my personal life though she keeps dropping hints that she knows that there is this big enigma revolving Surbhi Makkar :P As far as I am concerned, I hardly bother about anybody's life and my questions surround the books people are reading and the movies that they have watched :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

Dear Shubhangi,

I know that you somehow already knew that this blog was coming but please act surprised ! :P

I might have written a few things that you might not have liked but it doesn't change the fact that if I am writing this for you, it means you matter A LOT to me...because unlike you, I shall never say it on face if I really care about somebody but prove my loyal friendship in my own small little ways...You already have a carbon copy of Surbhi Makkar in form of Sameeksha so I need not explicitly tell you that some people close their mouth and speak in a thousand different ways...I might be a big fashion disaster in your eyes but I have never had a disastrous friendship with anyone in 22 years of my existence and I think it says something more than what my attire or hairdo or looks do...It is not how attractive a person looks but how reliable, trustworthy and true he/she is that counts and there I score decent enough, I can assure you. I am not a very sensitive person like you who can convey feelings very effectively...I have no shame in accepting that between emotions and my peace of mind, I'd choose peace at any time which might make me appear indifferent but at the same time I am leaving every other work to write this for you...I hope that you get the drift...that you fucking mean a lot to me !

The aforementioned things that I am unable to do, the uninhibited expression of care, is exactly what makes you most endearing...The way you gently hold my hand while crossing the road...I can never ever forget our trip together, it is a beautiful memory I am going to take to my grave with me...The last one Km that you made me cover holding my hand... for those few steps that you walked with me, I shall walk infinite miles for you if you ever need a loyal friend.

You are a gem of a person.

Happy Birthday.

May God bless you.

May all your dreams come true.

May you have as many reasons to smile as the number of stars in the sky.

I love you, Moti :P :)

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S. With this blog, I win over my prejudices and I am really proud of the fact :)

Band Baajaa Baraat :D

Pre - script : This is a satire on Indian marriages, written solely for entertainment (what else do you expect, the title of my blog is ROFL?!) and is not intended to offend anybody or any ritual or anything for that matter. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No, No, I am not getting married so relax, my secret admirers (:P), this post is an aftermath of attending 4 weddings within a fortnight...

Welcome to the big fat Indian wedding...

Shailesh (Shanty)

   weds

Kajal (Kaju)

(Dinner hosted by Khurana family)

That's what a little signboard at the entry gate said, yes, the 'shanty' and 'kaju' part included, reminding me of kaju barfi... Anyway, I ignored it because - 

1. Being born into a Punjabi family, I am used to this sort of stuff.

2. Being born into a Punjabi family, all I cared about was the dinner part :D (I know that it's a bit harsh but I don't care you call him Shalu or Shanty or Shit, Kajal Khurana oops Kajal Shanty Arora,  you better serve delectable shahi paneer and dal makhni or I shall ask the God of weddings to make you fat soon after the marriage which you'll anyway become :P)

And as I entered, my sense organs had to start working at double the normal speed...the sound of Punjabi music (ears), the aroma of food (nose), scanning the crowd so that I could escape the irksome relatives (eyes) [if you are a boy, you use this sense organ to scan the extra voluptuous female members in extra tight clothes, of the homo sapiens species], food (tongue), centralized air-conditioning causing goosebumps (skin).

I'd like to list out some of the quintessential facts about a desi shaadi -

1. The groom side NEVER shows up on time. If you are from the groom's side, you have to wait for ages for them to arrive so that you can hand them over the shagun and leave. If you are from the bride's side, you have to wait on the other side of the ribbon and haggle with the groom side to let them cut the ribbon. In both the cases, you lose a lot of precious time which could otherwise have been utilised for sleeping, sorry I mean studying :P

2. There is ALWAYS some auntyji concerned more than necessary about your career because her husband's brother's wife's sister's son also did the same course as you and so that makes her qualified to suggest you that Modi College of Engineering is better than Kejriwal College of Technology or big 4s are better than small or medium level firms.

3. There is a gang of your father's masiji(s) and maamaji(s) who will suggest to your parents that "ab iska number bhi aane wlaa hai,bahot padhaai ho gayi ab iske liye bhi dekhna shuru karo" (I always shut them up by forcing them to eat gulaabjamun, I swear on Harry Potter's scar that it always works. You lose the dessert but yay, no more bullcrap! :D )

4. There is this one whiny relative who will catch hold of you and say "aap toh kabhi yaad hi nahi karte hame"

Uff.

(Aap to jaise hame roz roz whatsapp karte hain na !!!)

5. Some uncle you have never seen in 22 years of your existence will come to you, pull your cheeks and say "itni si thi jab dekhi thi aur ab dekho...kaunsi class mei ho gayi" and then for some reason he will take out some money and force it into your hand. And this is a rule that you refuse it twice till he says aashirwaad hota hai, mana nahi karte.It then becomes your moral duty to accept it.
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!

6. One elderly female sitting on the couch who you'll have to go and meet because she can't move. She is the one who is made to guard all the bags.

7. The NRI relatives of the family impeccably dressed in a traditional attire, looking more Indian than all the Indians present in the wedding. The tall, blonde French guy seems so irresistible that you forget all decency and keep staring at him :P (ye point #3 wale masi n mama ji ko ab kyu nahi yaad ata ki mera number aane wala hai?! :P :P )

8. A group of aunties busy gossiping and finding faults in other aunties' sarees and suits. And then suddenly one of them asks in a hush- hush voice "arranged marriage hai ya love?" and when the answer is arranged, I am reminded of this - 

9. This is the funniest of all - the photographer zooming in on the people eating and people posing for the video camera like it's a still camera :P

 Finally, the baraat arrives. There are shiny decked-up aunties dancing (how they manage to dance in heels is a mystery I have never been able to solve) with the baraat with their equally shiny purses tucked into their armpits.

And suddenly there is a lot of crowd on the DJ.

I have noticed this pattern - as the friends of the groom show their moves on the DJ, either of these two songs is played-

a) aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai!

b) ek kunwaara fir gaya maara, fas gaya dekho ye bechara !

And then some crazy fellow from the group pulls the groom on the DJ and he is made to dance on apne vyaah te nachda firre!!
Then suddenly all these fellows (except the groom) vanish somewhere for a while and come back all energetic and dance bizarrely on the beats of do ghoont pila de saathiyaa and I understand where they must have disappeared.

And then suddenly the dance-music is stopped and din shagana da chadheya is played and all the focus shifts as the coy bride, clad in all red, enters. She takes ages to reach the stage where the groom is waiting for her. Once she is there, the bride and the groom exchange the varmaala (there is a lot of hooting as the groom's friends lift him up so that the bride can't reach him.)

Then it's time for the poses and everybody comes and showers the blessings on the newly wed couple.

After the pictures and poses, they have dinner together.

While the bride and the groom look all jittery thinking about all the changes that would soon come into their lives after the wedding, all the relatives change into comfortable casuals because it's time for the pheras.

The pheras are the most sacred part of an Indian wedding. The couple makes the vows of being together till death do them apart.

Fast- forwarding,

As the pheras come to an end, the bride gets all moist-eyed (This is perhaps the only time when a woman's worry of smudging her makeup takes a backseat! :P), hugs her family and leaves with the groom in a beautifully decorated car for their home (where the friends and family have planted alarm clocks to ruin their first night together.)

And so it ends after a night-long saga !

Lesson learnt - 

o-Office o-Office

तेरे इश्क़ ने बना दिया सरकारी दफ़्तर मुझको,

ना किसी की बात सुनता हूँ, ना कोई काम करता हूँ !!!

My dear Ghalib-fanatics, lovesick, infatuated ishaqzaado, please come out of your reverie of your last date with your beloved and focus not on ishaq but on the sarkaari daftar.

How many of you remember Musaddilal ? He was the protagonist of this fabulous serial called office office.

I have always been a great fan of this serial.The plot revolves around the plight of a common man and his fight with the corrupt employees of governement departments...a perfect satire on the scenario in a sarkaari daftar...

My personal experience with DU taught me the same about the government employees. Whenever I had to renew my DTC student pass- 

Monday, KMC Admin Dept, DU 

               10 am - nobody has arrived in the office yet.

               11 am - the official sips his tea while the students wait 

(there is no line...wake up dude, this is DU...I mean it's Delhi...I mean it's India...we don't have any lines here because His Highness Amitabh Bachchan taught us ages back that  hum jahan khade hote hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hai)

               12 noon - I am still waiting...trying to get my form signed.

               12:30 pm - I am right next to the window and WHAM !

He shuts the window saying "lunch time"..."but it is 12:30 and lunch timings are 1-2pm", I try to reason with him but in vain.

               2:30pm - the window is still shut (lunch timings : 1-2pm, just saying)

               3 pm- Form signed but the battle has just begun.

Tuesday, DTC office, DU

               10 am- I am waiting.

               12 noon- I am waiting

                3 pm- I give up and return.

Wednesday, DTC office, DU

(repeat the above procedure.)

Thursday, DTC office, DU

               10am- I am waiting.

               12:30 pm- I submit my form

               1 pm - I get my renewed bus pass.

So with such experiences during three years of my graduation at DU and my years of watching the show Office Office, when I was recently sent to audit a Government company, I had in my mind the image of lethargic people trying to harass the common people to vent out their personal frustrations. Plus my friends placed in government companies tell me their stories about how the whole department tries to procrastinate the work, never listen to any reason or logic whatsoever and spend the lunch time (official lunch timings 1-2pm, actual lunch timings12-3pm) talking about desh mei hai kitna bhrashtachaar, ab ki bar modi sarkaar :D

And so I reached the office of National Insurance Company, DRO- II...Little did I know that a huge surprise awaited me.

Expectation : A boring office full of files and irritated government employees.

Reality : A clean, nice office full of files and cheerful employees.

I asked for Mr T.C. Gupta...The manager...

Expectation : a fat aged man with loads of quintessential government-official-attitude.

Reality : a lean and extremely humble person who knows his work.

He told me about the company...about his own experiences...that this was his first and last job...he began at a mere Rs600 and how paved his way to the top with his patience and perseverance.

He then introduced me to his staff - 

         

 (left to right)
Mr T.C. Gupta, Radhika Sabharwal
The girl in saffron kurti is a great CA in making who would conquer the whole world
Just kidding, that's me. :D
Mr Gaurav Dixit (My Sir),Varun Bansal (a fellow article), Mr P.K. Singh.










Mr Sunil Dua, Mr Bhupinder Kumar and the lady standing behind me is Mrs Sunita Mittal.







Expectation : lazy and uncaring people whiling away their time in gossips.
Reality : Warm- hearted, caring people actually concerned about their company's growth and the associated people. 
(Dua Sir is by far the most jovial person I ever came across. He has the capability to guffaw at anything and everything. Sunita Ma'am ensured that I ate my lunch and got tea/juice on time)  


And so I began my work...I started studying the last year reports...I was supposed to audit the regional office which had 19 branches under it...the data from the branches was consolidated at the regional level...I read the CAG report, the audit report, the tax audit report...It was hell boring (Shh, as a CA I am supposed to love this work so please don't blurt this out.)

Apart from the swivel chair, when everybody calls you Ma'am, it feels good too :P

 To prevent my mind from constantly drifting away to thoughts of shahi paneer and naan (yes, you guessed it right I am a hardcore Punjabi) that I was going to order for my lunch, I looked around the office.
My observations - 

1. Files...FILES...F.I.L.E.S...

nothing new, that's normal if you are doing CA.

2. Everybody, EVERYBODY [except me] was working.

(Though it is unnecessary to point out but I hope you noticed the files.)

3. Each person seemed so polite, helpful, humble and cooperative.

( Am I still in Delhi?)

4. Lunch timings 1:30- 2pm and people follow it. No plus one hour  each to the lower and upper limit.

 (Is this really a government office?)

5. There is a constant sound buzzing through the office whole day as the old dot matrix printer keeps churning out paper.

The NIC staff has been given Samsung Galaxy smartphones (ain't it so cool?) and the best of PCs to work on but the printer remains the one that my great-grandfather used after he borrowed it from his father. (who on earth uses the dot matrix printer nowadays?!).

6. Talking about printing, one thing that greatly bothers me is the fact that there is absolutely no regard for the paper that is wasted in mindless printing of vouchers, bills, debit notes blah blah.

 The signed balance sheet along with annexures and other schedules comprised almost of 100 pages and there were 8 sets prepared for the same. And the final set was printed after making a hundred thousand changes as asked by the auditors (read surbhi makkar and jay) so roughly we printed about 1000 pages today (the day the balance sheet got signed).

7. Tea is to government employees as cricket is to India. 

Need I say more?

Thank God, the canteen had this saviour that I sipped away daily - 










 (Don't miss the files)

8. The Ramacharitramanas.

Gupta Sir has been following this routine since 1980 (I asked him this specifically). During the 30mins lunch break, he reads out aloud to the whole staff two chaupaai of The Ramacharitramanas.Daily.Without fail.
I have never seen such a thing in any office. It was something novel in a very inexplicable way, if I am making any sense !
When I started the audit, Lord Rama was leaving for his 14years long exile...when I wrapped up the audit, almost after a month, it was time for bharat-milaap.
I am not a religious person at all. I hardly go to temples. But I felt that there was always an atmosphere of utmost serenity in the office during these 15mins.

Oh I almost forgot to mention that the government audit enhanced my knowledge as well as exposed me to an entirely different domain. Since CAG audits the government companies as well, I got to learn quite a lot...esp about the section 619(3) of the Companies Act. :P

NIC totally changed my notions about a government company...oh by the way, the company achieved its target of 10,000 crore premium in this fiscal year...highest ever by any company in India...I think it's really really commendable.
See you next year, NIC :D

Yours sincerely
Statutory Auditor



P.S.

I would like to thank Jay for helping me click these pictures, for eating whatever I ordered, for answering all my stupid doubts and queries, for lending me his phone to play fruit ninja when I got bored of all the files surrounding me and last but not the least for waiting for me at the metro station daily because I got (unintentionally!) late almost everyday :P