Grief & Pain

Pre script : I came across this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy and felt a need to share it along with my inputs in hope that it helps people overcome grief and pain. This post is an outcome of my personal experience with grief and how it affected me as a person, how it shaped my personality and more importantly, how I perceived and responded to various forms of relationships and connections due to the same.

I have always believed that love and grief are twin brothers, two sides of the same coin. It is impossible to escape grief, it comes along with love. And similarly, talking about grief is almost like talking about love - it is felt just as deeply, it changes you as a person and it persists almost as long as love.

But first, I'd like to share this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy

1. The Box

Imagine you are the box.

2. The Grief Ball.

Once you suffer some trauma resulting in a deep sense of loss, there is this huge weight that you feel inside your heart. Like a giant ball of grief.

3. The Pain Button

At the inception, the grief ball is gigantic. The moment you try to move the box an iota of an inch, the grief ball hits the pain button. It jumps and rattles hither and thither, at its own whims, and keeps on hitting the pain button over and over again. God, it hurts. It hurts bad. On some days, it feels like you will die of the pain or perhaps wish that you do. Just to stop the pain. But it won't stop. It hits the pain button relentlessly. 

It gets difficult to get on with daily life with this pain inside you all the time. But nobody outside of the box understands the pain. Sometimes you don't understand it yourself! In an attempt to get rid of some weight, you start to unload other people from the boat to save it from sinking due to the heavy weight of the box. Most people would not get this, they might turn hostile and blame you for leaving them. But you can either try to stay afloat and alive or take these blames onto yourself. Perhaps you can try sharing this pain with them. Sometimes, they help you by handing you a life jacket. But mostly, they will find you obnoxious, negative, intense, silent, boring, weird and unbearable. I say, leave these anchors. Clutch to the life jacket. 

Years later, the anchors still blame me. They never understood, they never will unless they go through some life-altering trauma themselves. And the life jacket? Well, I am married to my life jacket.

4. The healing touch of time

With the passage of time, the grief ball gets smaller or may be the box grows bigger, I don't know. But the pain gets better because it hits the pain button less and less. But still, it is as whimsical as ever. Sometimes, it hits the pain button randomly when you least expect it to and it hurts just as much. Sometimes, the anchors come back out of the blue and trigger it and it hurts just as much. 

I personally feel that the grief ball never goes away. It stays as long as the love inside you, it becomes a part of you. However, sometimes, if you're lucky, God sends you a cushion to put on the pain button so that when the grief ball goes awry, it doesn't hit the push button.

The takeaways from the theory  - 

1. We all have a bag but we all pack differently. Some travel light. Some, like me, are secret hoarders - unable to part away with memories. These two mutually exclusive types of people will never be able to understand each other. We can only accept each other for who we are or part ways.

2. People your age who didn't experience life-altering trauma have an absolute advantage over you because while all your efforts were towards survival and keeping yourself afloat, they were free to grow and develop. You might often feel you are not able to relate to them. It's okay!

3. Trust issues become internalized if you did not receive support during your traumatic phase. Ever felt like - "I don't need anyone and I can handle on my own"

It's a survival tactic to shield yourself from  neglect, betrayal and disappointment from those who could not and would not be there for you when they ought to have been there. Such people really have a hard time making connections with people.

4. Trauma survivors often tend to oscillate between past and the future. Basis their experiences in the past, they try to safeguard themselves from similar pain in the future by trying to control everything possible in their hands. It's their way of responding to the uncertainty that the trauma gave them and they do not ever want themselves in the same situation of weakness and pain. 

   

I am not here to judge anyone on how they dealt with their grief and pain. I am not here to preach on ways of dealing with the same. Nor am I here to blame the anchors out there. Because everyone has their own journey and baggage, I just wish we were a more emphatic specie! My learning so far from all of this is that keep your focus on the life jacket and the cushion. The Universe sent them for a reason. Treasure them. Be grateful for them.

P.S. This post is dedicated to my life jacket and also to two most important people of my life- I hope that I make you proud everyday. 

The Lightening Bolt Scar

Harry Potter's lightening bolt shaped scar has always caught my attention in the entire series. I have always wondered why represent a failed curse with a scar? Even Dumbledore refused to wipe it off stating scars come in handy!

The curiosity behind the metaphorical meaning of the scar has led to this blog post. Remember how everybody recognizes Harry Potter in the first book with his scar? How the scar arose Mrs. Weasley's maternal instincts stating the poor boy was all on his own entering the Wizarding World without anybody to help him out? It's because the scar is a souvenir of the pain he had undergone as a child and everybody knew of his childhood tragedy because the scar enunciates his story.

What if we had something similar in our lives? Before you judge me as insane, let me clarify my thought process.

Not every person is good with communicating what he/she is going through. For some, the grief or the pain itself is self-consuming while some people shut down because that's the only way they know how to survive. Some do not want to appear weak and some people have history of trust issues to deal with. In the whole process, the suffering sometimes takes toll on the person and yet people who might care about you really have no idea about what you are dealing with alone. No wonder, we are a generation grappling with depression and insomnia.

For long, I have believed that uttering things out would make me emotionally weak. So when I write that people find it difficult to communicate their pain, I speak out of experience. What if there was a way out?

For every pain that we undergo, a physical manifestation of the pain appears in form of a scar on our body. Had a breakup - a gash appears on your cheek. Your pet dies - a deep cut appears on your neck. Your best friend left you forever - a cross appears on your arm. A deep red wound appears right on your forehead for loss of a parent.

So when you walk through a mall, instead of noticing somebody for her fat nose you notice her deep red wound on the forehead and feel your empathy rising towards her when you touch your own forehead and notice a similar wound. In place of giving out idiotic and unwanted advice to a relative you met at a wedding, you'd give him a hug on noticing a deep cut around his neck and tell him that you know that it hurts but it will get better. When you see such cuts and scars on X's body while he works out in a gym, you feel the pain of troubled childhood emanating from him and his corpulence would be overlooked.

So my point is that the sound of scars on our bodies is ugly as long as we link it to looks and beauty. For example, we judge a lot of people even for their acne problem and I am campaigning here for having scars! Let me enumerate a few benefits of the theory -

1. Each one of us has some trauma or the other so each one is going to have a scar and so it would be as normal as having a mole. Having said that, if you can SEE somebody's pain written right on their faces, you are likely not to be judgmental on basis of their looks.

2. People are less likely to slip into depression and commit suicides because they would be spelling out their pain on their faces and help would always be available for them in form of people having similar scars.

3. It would lead to meaningful bonds between people if they share the stories behind their scars and experiences of coping up with the pain associated with it.

4. Two people might come closer and realise they have the remedies for each other's scars and it might wipe off their scars completely!

To be precise, दाग़ लगने  से कुछ  अच्छा  होता है, तो  दाग़ अच्छे हैं !

Just a little something to ponder upon to make us a better person, more lovable friend, more understanding partner and most importantly a more emphatic human being.

Expecto Patronum

Call it guilt, fear, anger or hatred. Essentially it means your thoughts and emotions are working against you.

                                                                    -Sadhguru


Some people are better at controlling their thoughts while some struggle to keep negativity at bay. With the onset of corona, a lot of people have come face to face with their mental health issues- something that is always swept under the carpet in India. How many of you have been mocked at by your friends for voicing out whenever you felt low with -
"Chill kar, tune zindagi mei stress lene ke alawa kuch kia hai ajtak?"  
or 
"Life ko enjoy kia kar, ye depression shpression kuch nahi hota" 
or 
"emotional fool mat ban, only weak people do that. Get up and face your battles."

And yet, we have increasingly high number of people suffering from mental ill-health and it goes unnoticed because of the shame and stigma associated with it.

Closer home, Deepika Padukone came out on her fight with depression at the pinnacle of her successful career. Imagine the kind of depression failure would inflict if success can lead to depression!
And now, we lost a fine actor in Sushant Singh Rajput allegedly to depression. 

It is a ridiculous but general belief that introverts and quiet people fall prey to depression easily. With my personal experience, I can tell you that surrounding yourself with wrong kind of people kills you mentally than being on your own. Before judging yourself as depressed, make sure you're not surrounded by idiots who, like parasites, suck out the emotional strength out of you. 
One of my 'good' friends rebuffed me with, "You seek sympathy" when I once tried to talk about how I was breaking down. This was years back and yet it stayed etched into my mind and it also led me to believe that there is no market for your honest thoughts and feelings. That was the end of me seeking support from people around me because my mind translates it to sympathy to this day! So such experiences in the past often tend to create stereotypes in our minds. Everybody in the media is saying that Sushant should have talked out, reached out to people. Who knows he might have tried to reach out? But unfortunately to the wrong ones, the 'you seek sympathy' kind who sucked out his last bit of will power and the poor soul snapped?

1. We MUST understand that acceptance is the foremost requirement in any issue. If somebody reaches out to you or shows symptoms of withdrawal or any erratic behaviour whatsoever, it's of utmost importance to recognise and accept that it EXISTS and understand that it is not like usual mood swings we face on a daily basis but something that is dying inside bit by bit. 

2. Do NOT attempt stupidity by suggesting the person to simply ignore it or try to keep oneself distracted or the worst of all, blaming him/her for being weak. I mean, if you have toothache, do you suggest the patient to ignore it or distract himself from pain by partying or the most ludicrous - be brave and keep on fighting with the pain? NO! the tooth has to be treated and with the right hands. Why can't people understand this with emotional pain? Emotional pain runs way deeper than the roots of teeth.

3. Sometimes it's the toxic environment around you that takes toll on your mind. It might be family or office or the people you hang out with. While you can always change your office or people around you, family is not something you can change using a magic wand. As adults, we seek in our relationships what we lacked in our childhood. So a troubled childhood often leads to dysfunctional adults. In such cases, one can only pray that these dysfunctional adults do not carry on the legacy and further create toxic environment for their own children!

4. You may protect yourself from physical ailments like corona with a 20 second handwash but protecting your mental as well as emotional health is a different matter in itself. It is a delicate matter, a dangerous weapon if in wrong hands... an invisible boundary you may unknowingly cross and find yourself groping for a way out...CHOOSE wisely who you reach out to. It will make all the difference in the world. Do not be scared of cutting ties with people who make you feel like trash. If your boat is sinking, throw away the extra baggage without a second thought.

5. Mother Teresa said this on apathy once that the greatest disease today is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. Physical diseases may be cured with medicine but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is Love. 
As the famous song goes by - if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own!

This post is for Sushant Singh Rajput who stirred something within my heart and soul with his honest work. I would conclude by a dialogue from his movie - 

Hum haar jeet, success failure mei itna ulajh gaye hain, ki zindagi jeena bhool gaye hain. Zindagi mei agar kuch sabse zyada important hai toh wo hai khud zindagi.

RIP Sushant. 

P.S. Those who did not understand the caption, it's a spell in Harry Potter which conjures up a tangible positive-energy shield and protects you from the Dementors (happiness-sucking fiends). Literally, it translates to 'I wait for the Guradian'

Rehne do chhodo bhi jaane do yaar; hum na karenge pyaar :D

Disclaimer : 

a) This post is full of gallows humour. Narrow- minded people who take everything very personally may please refrain from reading this post... for I have no intention of offending anybody in any manner. I am only responsible for what I say and not for what you understand and perceive. 

b) Since the topic is very sensitive and heart-achingly (quite literally!) familiar to all, I would like to say beforehand that this post has very personal opinions as to why I am so averse to everything related to love and I, by no means, intend to preach anybody anything. 

c) The pictures have been inserted hither and thither just to jazz up the humour content of the post.

Apart from tax, there is this one enigma that I absolutely fail to understand - LOVE !

Ever since I gained sense, I have always considered love to be the very essence of our lives. They say that we learn to love even before we are born - as a fetus in the womb, we fall in love with our nurturer. As a kid, we fall in love with the caring eyes, the affectionate faces and the tender hands of our parents. But as we grow up, we tend to distort this beautiful feeling all together! I mean, see, isn't love supposed to be something that lights up your eyes like a blind man seeing sunshine for the first time? Instead, what I have always seen in my friends' eyes are tears! Isn't love supposed to be your sanctuary when your mind searches for solace and peace? But on the contrary, what I find is chaos and stress everywhere I look!

Of course my brother's suspicions could be true that I belong to Pluto, and not Earth, with my own stupid ideologies and beliefs about everything... but I would rather stand by my gobbledygook that to love means to slowly break down a person's walls without him/her noticing and then rebuilding them with windows to let the sunshine in, than accept what my eyes show me all around - darkness and depression because of love. So it's either me or there is something grossly wrong with the way people interpret love.

Before you declare me to be an alien from Pluto, I would like to first substantiate my basis of enunciating the above statements with the instances of love I have seen in 24 years of my existence in this universe -

1. The Fri-end Love

This is the love that begins on Monday and ends by Friday. The weekend is for recuperating with loads of booze/ ice cream. The next week, of course, brings a new story. Each Monday is an inception and each Friday is a breakup.

I remember wasting my chocolates for cheering up one such friend. I saw her crying her eyes out over her recent breakup (it was Friday) and offered her chocolates out of humanity. She had them all. She was seen with a new guy on Monday.

Lesson learnt : Never waste your chocolates on anybody. EVER. Eat them all by yourself.

2. The K K K Kiran Love

The obsessive love. While it evokes outrageous amount of passion in one party, for the other it is absolutely nightmarish! Kindly remember that there is always a Sunny Deol with his dhaai kilo ka haath, protecting his Kiran and that SRK dies in the end, before venturing into obsessive kind of love.

Query : What is the point of such an infatuation? You can never force anybody to love you, can you? Unless you can brew a love potion. But even in that case, you risk creating Lord Voldemort.

3. The Ex Parte Love

The one-sided-love. Another category of troublesome love, one sided love often enkindles unrealistic expectations in the party in question. The other party, usually uninterested, is caught unawares by surprise gifts and flowers and messages dedicated to them.

The consequences of this kind of love range from pitiful friend-zoning to dangerous 'wo meri nahi hogi to kisi aur ki bhi nahi hogi' psyche resulting in blackmails, acid attacks or kidnapping or sometimes gruesome murders.

Query : Again, you cannot chain anybody and make them love you... what then is the point of expending all your energy at a place where one gets no reciprocation? Personally, I believe that what's yours comes to you no matter what and what is not meant to be yours is not going to stay with you no matter what! doesn't that make running after a person, who doesn't give a damn to your existence, totally futile?

4. The 'It happens only in India' Love

This has 2 dimensions -

a) Religion

Interfaith love has no unconditional acceptance in India. Period. I have read countless cases in the newspaper and have seen numerous movies on the same theme. Either or both the parties are shunned by their families for sake of religion. What I have always failed to understand is that every religion propagates love and in no religion does God ever utter a single syllable about killing one another in the name of religion... who, then, are human beings to kill His creations in the name of religion? This issue is so deep rooted and misunderstood and sensitive that I am afraid of deviating from the theme of this post if I delve further into this!

b) Caste

Another mystery I have never been able to decode. My own friends have been a victim of this and I don't even have the heart to touch upon the pain and misery it brings.

Query: Seriously, just one question - would you want your daughter/sister to be with a Hindu guy who indulges in domestic violence or a Muslim guy who keeps her happy? How does being with someone of the same caste guarantee happiness in any way?

5. The I-don't-walk-my-talk Love

People who promise the moon and the stars on paper and in face of even a slight adversity, jilt you in the middle of a landfill that leaves you stinking for a lifetime!

Lesson learnt : This, honestly, appears to be the worst form of relationship to me. It would leave you scarred not just as a lover but as a human being in general as it shakes one's faith in humanity.

6. The Gay Love

This is just to raise the humour quotient in this post :P

Imagine walking down the lanes of your campus with your male buddy expecting a 'I like you' at the very least. Instead, what you hear him saying is "I am gay and I like your brother"! :D

N.B : No offence intended.

7. The Infidelity-Apology-Pendulum Love

This is the most common love in DU ! I had tons of friends who had steady girlfriends somewhere and they would leave no chance of a fling with random girls they happen to meet anywhere!

Now, there can be two possibilities -

a) The steady girlfriend remains in dark about the flings.

b) The steady girlfriend somehow finds out about the flings and breaks up.

Possibility 'a' is a far-fetched theoretical situation because girls have uncanny abilities to find out everything. So ultimately, we arrive at possibility 'b' and now begins the circle of breakup followed by constant apologies and requests for patch-up. The steady girlfriend usually agrees out of past feelings. Things get better. The guy gets complacent and succumbs to temptation of flings again. Hence the nomenclature 'Pendulum'. Please note that girls too fall in the trap of flings and by no means, do I wish to imply here that this category is for boys alone.

Query : Why does the need for flings arise when you already are in love with somebody? I mean, logically, there can be only one inference of flings that you are not happy with the one you are with! So why the fake drama of commitment? It is like person has two separate needs of love and lust. For love, there is one steady relationship and for lust, there are numerous flings!

8. The No means Yes Love

It may be a subset of category#2 or #3. It is the kind of love in which one party constantly declines the offer in every possible manner but the other party is adamant in a very filmy way and has a topsy-turvy lexicon which says no means yes. I, personally, find this category, which is generally seen among boys, to be funny in an absolutely pathetic way. Why? Because I have seen my friends literally kowtowing to the person, who isn't remotely interested in them. 

My advice : Buy a new dictionary from here.

9. The 'Use Me as a Doormat' love

I will try to illustrate this in a very practical way. Did you have that geeky topper friend in college who was suddenly seen teaching/helping in practical files/completing assignments of the hottest girl in the class during the exam season? Well, I am going to let the cat out of the bag (sorry, girls!) - I have heard my female friends talking in the girls' room about how the geek was infatuated with them and would readily do anything just to talk to them. So they brutally ignore him the whole year... during the exam season, a little flirtatious smile does the trick and voila, they have all the notes and assignments and important questions lent to them by the geek. I feel sorry for the poor geek who, despite being the brightest and smartest in the class, gets fooled again and again, under the impression that those smiles genuinely mean something.

Query  : I am confused between the essential character of this category of love - is it the geeks's foolishness or the self-centeredness of the girl? 

 

(Geeks would understand this Rubik's Cube meme:P)

10. The 'Father of the Nation' Love
Well, the only place I like Mahatma Gandhi is on a currency note so when I say Father of the Nation, I mean money. 
This category of love is based purely on pecuniary interests. It is generally dominated by girls. Haven't you had any friend whose girlfriend left him for a richer guy? Or who was abandoned because he didn't gift her a brand new Iphone for her birthday? 
Query : I am a little confused. They do have a point though. I mean, people who claim love is more important than money... do they pay their bills with a hug?! But still, I personally feel that money can buy you a dog but you need love to make it wag its tail at you. 

11. The  Transitive Love
Remember that boring chapter in Maths - sets and relations? So, there was this category of relations called transitive relations. Simply put, if a>b, b>c then a>c. While this might hold true in the world of mathematics, it is impossible to be transitive in real life relations without involving a lot of pain for more than one person! A loves B, B loves C, C loves D and D loves A. Imagine the kind of pain and longing each of these four persons suffer when they see that the one they love doesn't love them back.   
This category of relationship has inspired a lot of Bollywood movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Dil toh Pagal hai etc but most of them end up being a love triangle and eventually the hero gets to be with his happily-ever-after. Sadly, life is not a movie!
My Advice : Never fall in love with a person who loves somebody else already. EVER.

12. The 'My parents want to marry you' Love
Well, this is India-specific relationship. The boy (or girl) stays in a relationship for a number of years and then suddenly his (her) mother rejects her (or him) for some silly reason like complexion\ height\job\amount of adipose tissue\shape of nose\too crazy about harry potter etc and the boy breaks up even before one can utter WTF! 
This category reminds me of Chetan Bhagat's 2 States... the boy loves the girl...the girl loves the boy...  the girl's family has to love the boy... the boy's family has to love the girl... boy's family has to love the girl's family...the girl's family has to love the boy's family... and in the process, if there is still any love left between the boy and the girl, they get married !

Query : seriously, does your mother have to live with him\her for a lifetime or you? Your parents already have each other and now it is not their but your life partner that you have to choose for heaven's sake!
(Also, in my personal opinion, If you find someone who is just as crazy about Harry Potter as you are, marry him\her without further ado ! :D )


13. The Dominating Love

Easy, fans of Fifty Shades (there are fans of this book?! Whoa.), I mean dominating in the normal way! The category where the person with deeper, more intense feelings is dominated by the other one who is aware of the fact that he/she has an upper hand because of vulnerability of the partner so he/she constantly hangs this axe of  'I am breaking up with you' on his/her partner and always has his/her way by emotional blackmail!

Query : I don't know if this 'coercion' even qualifies as love...I mean, this self- righteousness, is this even love? How long can anybody sustain such an emotionally draining relationship? And Why?

Of course, I understand that this is entirely an abstract concept and is subject to personal opinions... because you cannot control anybody's free will, that's the thumb rule when it comes to human psyche. And then there is another factor of looks! People are often deceived by looks... Cupid, they say, is blind! and by the time they realise that they bought silver misconstruing it to be platinum, they are already in the middle of relationship and getting out of it is a painful business for both the parties.

In the end, I am left as baffled by this mystery of what/how/why/where of love as I was before writing this post and wholeheartedly support all my friends' prophecies about how I am going to die single because my mathematics says alone > wrong.

But I can safely infer that love is congruous to CA Final -

• There is a lot of input involved. When I say a lot, I mean to say backbreaking, extremely arduous, involving sleep deprivation and nervous breakdown,  totally frustrating, mentally draining kind of effort. (Love totally requires painstaking effort)

• Your effort won't guarantee that you'd understand what the situation demands. (Who can understand why boys go nuts over shapes and sizes? And honestly, has anyone of you ever understood how a girl's mind works?)

• There is always a possibility of all your input going waste because of some amendment. (boyfriend, girlfriend and Wo! you can never know when a third person enters and ruins everything that you have created so far.)

• You might put as much input as you are capable of and still the output remains as uncertain and elusive as the identity of batman is for the people of Gotham City. (Are we ever sure of matters of the heart?)

Anybody who has answers to my queries may please comment in the comment-section!

Yours sincerely

Agony Aunt :P

Behind the veil.

It has been exactly one month and I am still numb with shock. I still have difficulty believing that you have embarked upon your journey into the unknown, leaving amid us merely a void that can never be fulfilled.

I am left in awe with laws of nature yet again. It feels so bizarre that the world is still going on. Shouldn't it be stopping? One of our members has simply disappeared behind the veil and yet everything is going on as usual. There is going to be one less CA and yet ICAI and all the students  are going on like they did - the stampede for submission of advance ITT forms, coaching, articleship, everything. The terrible truth about time is that it waits for none. Everything is going on in a horribly normal manner and yet it doesn't feel fair and right. Your conspicuous absence has left another gaping hole in my soul. 

I shudder to think about the grief of your parents when your loss has affected ME so deeply and I barely knew you...I know exactly how ineffably devastating it is for the family to bear such an untimely loss and in such a cruel manner...Trust me, I know exactly how it feels...to cry in the shower so no one can hear you...waiting for everybody to sleep so that you can let yourself fall apart...when sleep is the only respite because that is when you don't feel the pain of truth and reality...it is like the sorrow engulfs your entire being and you wish nothing but to die in your sleep and unite with the departed...the survivor's guilt envelopes your sanity and with every traitorous breath that you take, you are left blaming yourself ... the monster of depression sinks in its venomous teeth into your skin and yet you are forced to get on with everyday business while the venom keeps spreading, inflicting you with an emotional paralysis...the incessant tears blind you and you are left groping to find a meaning for the life you no more want to live...I know exactly how it feels.

But then, as they say, this is something that cannot be argued, fought, protested.. This pain can only be accepted and taught yourself to live with...and pain, well, it demands to be felt...there is absolutely no other option. I sincerely pray for strength for your family.

I know that I am nobody to say anything to your ways but, Dear God, sometimes you seem so unfair, so distant; You should not have let this happen.

RIP Ravleen.

Mere Brother Ki Patient :D

Some tortures are physical...and some are mental...but the one that is both is dental!

Le mot juste !!!
How aptly does this describe the torture that going to a dentist is!

Before you conclude about me being among those reckless children who are brought up with candies and chocolates in mouth but no awareness of personal hygiene, I'd like to clarify that I am exactly in the opposite category.

I am one of those who took "Brush twice daily if you don't want rotten teeth" very,VERY,V.E.R.Y. seriously. Mine is that preposterous case in which I can't sleep without that minty taste of colgate in my mouth.As a kid, I even used to eat colgate sometimes while brushing- this is how far I can go as far as my loyalty towards colgate, I mean brushing, is concerned :P Before you tag me as brand-conscious, I swear by my PUMA collection that I have always been a great fan of closeup ads too...from 'kya aap closeup karte hain, kya dunia se darte hain...aap closeup kyu nahin karte hain' to 'paas aao, paas aao meri saanso mei samaao, paas aao na' I remember all the closeup advertisements.




Do baar brush karne ki keemat...tum kya jaano,cavities baabu ! :( :P
After all those precious minutes that I spent brushing with my unwavering loyalty towards colgate, when I felt a searing pain in my mouth one odd day, I shuddered with fear...the fear that the name ROOT CANAL TREATMENT brings...and then my brother (He is a pedodontist) uttered those dreaded words - you need a dentist.

The next day, I found myself sitting on a dental chair with my mouth open and weird looking instruments in my mouth...The clinic smelled of a strange mixture of mint and chlorine, reminding me of chlorohexidine....the mouthwash that I use...and the memory made me feel worse that I was the only one to take the "brush twice daily" axiom so seriously in whole of my family and yet I was the one sitting here in front of a dentist while everybody else seemed happy with their sparkling teeth flashing at me in mockery.
"Miss Surbhi" said the dentist gently. He looked not more than 35, had a dusky complexion and a pleasant face. I wondered vaguely that he reminded me of some TV actor. "You have two impacted wisdom teeth and pericoronitis...that means that your wisdom teeth didn't erupt fully. The flap of gum on it is becoming site of debris and consequently causing decay. These need to be surgically removed." I didn't know if I was happy that it wasn't RCT or scared out of my wits that it is going to be a minor surgery.

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist’s office would be full of luminous ideas.  ~Mason Cooley

Pun intended. 

What followed the next week was an OPG (orthopantomogram....it's sort of an x-ray of your mouth and is one of the strangest tests that I have ever undergone) and blood tests, a hundred queries from my brother and a thousand reassurances from his side that it was going to be nothing and won't be painful at all. Albeit the fact that I could sense the trick that he always plays on me - he makes everything sound so easy , I , like each time, listened and believed him and became a little calmer.
Lo and behold, I found myself sitting in his hospital where the surgery was going to take place. Even after watching the whole process on YouTube (injections inside your mouth, cutting up the gums, pulling out the tooth, stitching the gums back) I tried to be relaxed and ready for the surgery, not thinking about the bestial injections. But as I waited for my turn, I saw a dentist extracting a tooth. He was injecting anaesthesia inside a patient's mouth which I too was to face minutes later. And then I saw the patient shrieking in pain! The sight and the patient's howling gave me goosebumps and I ran away, out of the room...to my brother where he was doing the same on his patients and told him panicking, "mujhe nahi karaani surgery" and told him about the whole scene. He burst out laughing! He said placidly that my surgery was going to be done by his sir who would do it very gently. After 15 minutes of making me see sense, he was able to send me back for the surgery.

The doctor walked in and his students followed. I was sitting on the dental chair with my mouth open. I suddenly felt like a celebrity as all his students surrounded me to witness the surgery. They all looked so keenly as if it was going to be some spectacular show. Then I realized that they must be the articles. I mean the interns. Because I saw the look of curiosity in their eyes, the same look that I have when I see my senior prepare a balance sheet. But our balance sheets and profits and losses do not cause any pain, said my mind inside me! Before I could come out of these thoughts, the doctor inserted the injection into my mouth and I murmured kill me before I bear this,closing my eyes. Then it was excruciating pain that I felt inside my inner cheek...and then another one. Then the area went numb. I opened my eyes and saw him fumbling with a blade. He was going to cut my gums. I closed my eyes again. And then a cut here, a cut there, I could not feel it but was visualizing it inside my head. And then I felt a strong pressure- He was pulling my tooth out...I felt as if whole of my jaw would break with the pressure. And then suddenly, it was all over. He placed a wad of cotton inside because it was bleeding profusely.
I asked him to show me the tooth. I wanted to see how the thing that was causing me unbearable pain looked. What I saw astonished me.
I had imagined it to look like some monstrous thing but what I saw instead was something very innocent looking. Shining white in the light, it was God's brilliance at its best. so simple, yet so efficient and perfect. Like everything that God has made, it was a delicate blend of sheer innocence and perfection.I felt a sudden urge to hold it and keep it safe and then I realized how ridiculous I was being.

And then I was free to go. I was told to eat loads of ice cream (the only bright side of the whole process!)

I must confess that I always thought my brother's profession to be so...um different and something beyond my understanding because I always felt why would anybody want to go to the extent of bearing so much pain in getting things done to your teeth. But after being one of his patients now, I feel dentistry is the future because every other person is suffering from some or the other tooth ailment.He is going to earn more than a CA, they charge you a bomb !

I'd like to conclude with this hackneyed but very useful advice- 

which roughly translates to BRUSH TWICE DAILY !

Odyssey : Adieu 2013

Zendagi Migzara...Life goes on...
With this shittiest albeit the truest philosophy of life, I reach end of another eventful year...2013 has been the craziest year of my life so far...arduously testing my endurance and resilience, it slapped me awake from my slumber to the reality...
But life is such...life is not fair, but life is not fair to everyone. That makes life fair...

"Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life...but it ain't about how hard you hit but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward"

Family, career, friends everything took a new turn...I was left stranded in a completely unfamiliar territory which was a mixture of good and bad...all in all, 2013 showed up a totally different side of Surbhi Makkar...
Here's a flashback of the same-


The WOW side
The farewell ceremony...I was awarded the title of 'Miss Diligent'
(miss diligent? What? How? Why?
In three years of my graduation, I never reached on time for a single class.If I ever managed to attend my first class it was because the teacher was late.
I had never submitted any assignment on time
I skipped most of the class tests
I was often chucked out of classes
I had serious attendance crisis
I used a single register for all the three years
I never even tried to listen to the teacher in the class)

2 weeks before the farewell, when I told people that our college farewell was going to happen soon...

Male members of Makkar family – Surbhi won’t ever attend it

Female members of Makkar family – Surbhi won’t ever attend it

Male friends- Surbhi won’t ever attend it

Female friends- Surbhi won’t ever attend it

When I announced that I wanted to attend the ceremony...
Everybody- WHAT?!? (always the tone of surprise !!!)


When I elaborated further that everybody wears a saree and so would I...
Male members of Makkar family – saree?! Hanger lagegi…giraffe lagegi (hats off for the adjectives used)
Female members – saree?! Hot lagegi…gorgeous lagegi (thank you,pretty ladies)


So began my hunt for the right saree which by the way I wanted to wear low waist :P
After running everywhere to find the right stuff (blouse,accessories,heels) I found myself standing in front of the mirror on the day of the farewell and I could not recognise myself !
I reached college (2hours late,chiding myself for the fact that in the three years that I spent here,I was NEVER on time for any of the classes and I am late even on the last day!)

My observations and experience after the ceremony got over-

1. NOBODY recognised me…the moment I entered the venue,all my friends and classmates kept staring till I finally took a seat and after a long awkward pause when I asked what was wrong,all of them blurted out together “maal lag rahi hai maal…roz kya ban ke aati hai,aj kya lag rahi hai” (for those of you who are not aware of the DU lingo,maal here doesn’t mean stock…it is a vernacular term for femme fatale :P) when I returned home,the door wasn’t opened for me because my family refused to believe that it was me…no hyperbole intended..
2. No matter how seductive it looks,it is a real pain in the ass to wear a saree ! you can’t even walk properly ! I was about to fall ALL.THE.TIME..and I don’t know which Einstein called it to be the traditional dress of India- it’s SO revealing,dude !
3. HEELS !!!
   WHY ?!?
   I can’t walk properly even in flats ! I think that my cerebellum didn't develop only- there is no coordination between my limbs :P
4. I was a total failure while posing for the pics…
   kuch nahi aata surbhi tujhe ladkiyo wala [sic]
   thoda thik se khadi ho jaogi ek baar [sic]

Here is my picture, the middle one is how I normally look and rest of them are in saree...don't I look different?! :P

Though it is out of context but I also learnt an important lesson-never ever play Holi if you have to wear a sari the next week !!! The Murphy-law states that the colour won't come out esp from the face,neck and back and also you will get gulaal-allergy that won’t subside for weeks !(Thank you whoever invented the thing called foundation...you saved me :P)


The sick-of-social-media event
I deactivated my FB...it has been one of my best decisions this year,according to me...it gave me some real peace of mind and helped me reset my priorities...no more fussing over who got into relationship with whom, who got 123456789 likes on his/her DP or "you did not like my pictures" crap from people, like this if you care for India/poor dying/dogs unadopted/WTF requests...apart from nobody wishing me birthday, I think I am not losing out much...so I see no plans of reactivating it in the near future...


The unexpected
With all the personal shit happening, I was pleasantly surprised to score 70% in my final year...it isn't without any reason that I always say-DU,you are the best!


Reality Bites
Articleship...the grilling interviews...and I was at my surbhi-est best...


Interviewer : could you please tell me something about section number 69 ?
Surbhi : sir, I am sorry but I don't remember any of the sections.
Interviewer : why? how are you going to handle all the clients then ?
Surbhi : sir because I feel we can always google them up..you remember them only because you have been applying them here for so many years (this is called babaji ka thullu :P what on earth was I thinking?! )


I need not say that I was chucked out for my brutal honesty.


Next one...SNB...one of the top 20 firms...The director wanted to meet me in person because he loved what I wrote in my essay...after the 40minutes interview that followed, I knew that his daughter was married to some NRI in London and I had also seen his grandson's video in his Iphone4...screw you,Accounting standards/section numbers/audit procedures...this is how real interviews should happen...to make you feel at ease with the company you might soon be joining...and the best part,his words -"you are a champion in my eyes..I give you an opportunity,prove me right"


I was born a moron so I did not join this firm...
But I don't regret it much...I joined a decent enough firm where I have made friends who are perhaps going to last lifetime unless they get pissed off at me for I bug them a lot with my never-ending doubts...September and July were the busiest months, no time to even eat your food properly...I was sent for audit of an export company...it has been a good experience so far...I hope I'll eventually learn the real ca stuff and be a good (read sexy :P) chartered accountant :D


Things you lose have a way of coming back to you
SRCC...my dream college...I could not make it there because of a mere 0.25% (& what was worse was the fact that my best of four was less than my aggregate) it left a deep gaping hole inside my heart and I hated myself for the entire three years when I had to pass right across srcc daily...but destiny works in strange ways...
Lo and behold, I am walking down the lanes of srcc...not as a student but as an auditor...with authority to check any fucking thing in srcc's finance and accounts department...it was a divine feeling :)


Another divine feeling is when people you thought had disappeared from your life because of various enigmatic reasons,like your childhood friends,reappear and brighten up your life with their presence :) To them I want to say "tanik dhanyaavaad" :D ;)


GMCS- an eye opener
It was here that I practically learnt not to judge a book by its cover..that what you see is not always true...people who appear all glittery are not always gold and people you take for silver might in fact be platinum...Jim Corbett is something I shall always cherish :)

The Testing phase
When you lose the last thread that ties you to your existence, life suddenly seems meaningless...when you don't want to be where you are, but you know you'd never want to be anywhere no matter where you are, life looks lost...when hope doesn't matter anymore because it would lead to another hopeless destination...when the days ahead are not necessarily dark, but it doesn't even matter because you no longer have the energy left to face a new day...when there is nothing you look forward to, this is the perpetual state of mind you are in...during such moments I recall my all time favourite words-



and last but not the least,


The bizarre event
This is for the person I have never met in my life...I have never even spoken to this person ever...A friend of mine forwards my picture to this person for some silly reason saying that she is a really amazing person,laughs around a lot and all that bullshit...and the craziest thing I ever heard from a total stranger,this is what that person had to say about me - iske chehre pe hasi hai but andar bahut pain dikhta hai iski eyes se..jaise bahut kuch dekha ho isne zindagi mei...
how,HOW,H.O.W. could you say this about me,face reader ! you put down the drain my years of poker-face-practice...I am so so curious to know what made you say that about me...I hope that I shall meet you someday,given the present circumstances (:-D), and might be able to ask this from you...because somehow you pierced right through the veil and I felt so exposed...like you stole my secret without my permission...I wasn't offended or sad or angry or anything but merely curious...I wish to get my answer soon :)


With this I bid goodbye to 2013...and welcome 2014 with open arms to embrace the happiness and opportunities it has in store.
A Very Happy New Year :)