Veer Ji Viyohn Chaleya :D

In India, when you hear the word 'wedding' all that comes into mind is food, dance and a hell lot of fun with family!

Let me take you on a tour of the saga that a big, fat Indian wedding is ! This post is not a blog on the rituals of a wedding per se (like band-baajaa-baraat) but a fun post on different categories of people one may come across, the nuisance of irksome relatives and my random observations on anything and everything. 
(N.B. The satirical content may please be taken in good humour as no mockery is anywhere intended. Randomly funny tweets have been inserted to raise the humour content.)

Part - A

Finally the most awaited wedding of the season! :D

It was special because of the following reasons -

1. It brought all of us together, literally and emotionally as a family, as we (mercifully!) left behind our normal routines and gathered to celebrate with our eldest cousin his most special moment. Spending a few days together brings about a lot of intimacy (this is saying something, coming from an emotionally detached person like me!)

2. The marriage was a welcome change as it merged two different cultures. It renewed my faith in humanity as this was an inter-caste marriage that got culminated after a long fight against the social norms. It proved that love can conquer all obstacles and help us rise above petty stuff like caste-ism. There might be 99 differences among us but that one similarity to love and be loved is what that matters the most.

3. Last but the most important reason for ME - the food was just so delicious that I took three servings of everything. (Yeah, I am a shameless foodie :P) It is an impossible task for me to ignore a delectable paneer tikka or a succulent fruit chaat or a spicy tikki or tantalizing noodles or ambrosial manchurian. Just kidding, the other two reasons made it memorable too :D

But every coin has two sides. For every Harry Potter, there is a Lord Voldemort. For every Batman, there is a Joker. And for every good feeling that you have for yourself - 

Part - B

Relatives are real life dementors! Everybody has relatives.  I am also somebody's relative and I am not ashamed to admit that I might be your dementor. But at a wedding, the place is swarming with dementors ! It could be a relative of relative or a friend of relative, the groom's relative or the bride's relative, but I have no qualms about saying this out loud - either with their words, nosy questions or behaviour but koi na koi toh tumhara khoon jala hi dega !

But in general, these are the categories of relatives you are likely to meet at a wedding - 

• Tu to namaste bhi nahi karti

No matter how much you try to escape them, they beat the CBI & FBI and will catch you and accuse you of ignoring them. Desi Liam Neeson!

How to tackle them : There is absolutely no way out. Don se bach sakta hai insaan lekin inse bachna mushkil hi nahi naamumkin hai. Just do a namaste, dude.

• Agla number tera hai.

Shaadi karwaane mei lage rehne wale rishtedaar. Shaadi na ho gayi oxygen ho gayi by God!

These are mostly the elderly relatives who have a knack of emotionally blackmailing a person by continuously hanging this sword - marne se pehle hum apne par-par-par-par-par-par paute dekhna chahte hain (toh isliye tum bakre ban jao aur latak jao shadi ki sooli pe) the bracket part is silent. But this is so NOT fair. When people who have blissfully lived their own lives hang swords on people who are yet to fulfill their own dreams, it sucks real bad. I might appear harsh and heartless here but everybody deserves to live life their own way even if it means defying the wishes of everybody and anybody!

How to tackle them : Just DON'T budge. At any cost. The hell with people.

• Foodie

I belong to this category. :D

These are the people who live for food. All they care about at a wedding is that the food should be mouth-watering, aromatic, lip-smacking and heavenly. Traits of such people are - they lose track of conversation while eating, they become irascible if they don't get tasty food, they are friends with people who appreciate food.

 

How to tackle them : Most probably, such relatives won't disturb you; they'd be too focused on stuffing :P But if they do, their Achilles' heel is F.O.O.D.

• Nitpicker

Such relatives have a problem with everything. No matter how perfect you try to make arrangements for them, they will find faults with everything and criticise you to the core. Haven't you had any encounter with one such person who has the audacity to question every ritual that you do and tell you that you are doing it wrong or that you missed something? I really have never understood their problem. Why can't they just be happy and share our happiness? 

How to tackle them : Ignore them. Big time. And don't go on any guilt trips for doing so. Period.

• Dancers

What is a marriage without any dancing? :D

Dhol is to punjabis as Sachin Tendulkar is to cricket. Enough said.

Now, dancer relatives may have sub-categories! That chachiji stealing the stage with her thumkas or that  mamaji dancing with fervour along with whistles or that foofaji asking everybody to step aside so that he can do his weird dance. :P 

How to tackle them : Well, dance is a shortcut to happiness and happiness mei sabke saare khoon maaf  because everybody deserves to be happy and a wedding is all about happiness :D

• Mud mud ke na dekh

Everywhere you go, you are bound to meet people who think that God gave them eyes so that they can stare shamelessly especially at girls. Openly checking out creeps the hell out of girls, don't do this please! It is offensive, it is scary, it is violating.

I once asked one of male friends about the same. Why do guys stare so much (I am not saying girls don't do it, it is just that girls do it in a subtle manner.) He answered that imagine you're walking down a road and happen to see a beautiful flower. Would you not look at it? Admire it?

I was mind-blown!

People, please don't objectify women! You want to admire the beauty, do it gently in an unobtrusive manner that doesn't make them freak out!

How to tackle them : No idea. :|

• Obnoxiously cool relatives

These are the relatives who are really cool because they dress like a mogul and dance like Madhuri Dixit but somehow their nature is obnoxious ! they are either too arrogant or snobbish or a blowhard or egoistic or a gossip-monger or considers himself/herself to be the best adviser on every topic  !

How to tackle them : Ignore, ignore, ignore!

• Relatives who observe and write a blog about everything

That would be me. :P A narcissist, fun-loving and sarcastic soul :P

How to tackle them: read the blogs and praise a lot :D

Part - C

Dearest Bhaiya,

As I sat watching you taking the vows with your beloved, I couldn't help but remember our childhood days. When we visited you each summer and played from dusk to dawn! There is this particular incident that I remember which says just how sweet a person you are... while you were studying here in Delhi, you visited me once and had gotten Litchi juice for me because you remembered that I love Litchi ! (even though I later told you that I love the fruit and not the juice :P) And even today.. you never forget that I love chocolates and always get me loads #Belgian Chocolates!

You looked one hell of a sight with your gorgeous bride, you are the handsomest groom I have ever seen till now ! You two make a fantastic couple :D May you get loads of happiness and continue to flash your million dollar smile for as many years as the stars in the sky.

Happy Married Life to you two !

God Bless You :)

(Humse hai zamaana sara #the cousin gang :D)

​

Band Baajaa Baraat :D

Pre - script : This is a satire on Indian marriages, written solely for entertainment (what else do you expect, the title of my blog is ROFL?!) and is not intended to offend anybody or any ritual or anything for that matter. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No, No, I am not getting married so relax, my secret admirers (:P), this post is an aftermath of attending 4 weddings within a fortnight...

Welcome to the big fat Indian wedding...

Shailesh (Shanty)

   weds

Kajal (Kaju)

(Dinner hosted by Khurana family)

That's what a little signboard at the entry gate said, yes, the 'shanty' and 'kaju' part included, reminding me of kaju barfi... Anyway, I ignored it because - 

1. Being born into a Punjabi family, I am used to this sort of stuff.

2. Being born into a Punjabi family, all I cared about was the dinner part :D (I know that it's a bit harsh but I don't care you call him Shalu or Shanty or Shit, Kajal Khurana oops Kajal Shanty Arora,  you better serve delectable shahi paneer and dal makhni or I shall ask the God of weddings to make you fat soon after the marriage which you'll anyway become :P)

And as I entered, my sense organs had to start working at double the normal speed...the sound of Punjabi music (ears), the aroma of food (nose), scanning the crowd so that I could escape the irksome relatives (eyes) [if you are a boy, you use this sense organ to scan the extra voluptuous female members in extra tight clothes, of the homo sapiens species], food (tongue), centralized air-conditioning causing goosebumps (skin).

I'd like to list out some of the quintessential facts about a desi shaadi -

1. The groom side NEVER shows up on time. If you are from the groom's side, you have to wait for ages for them to arrive so that you can hand them over the shagun and leave. If you are from the bride's side, you have to wait on the other side of the ribbon and haggle with the groom side to let them cut the ribbon. In both the cases, you lose a lot of precious time which could otherwise have been utilised for sleeping, sorry I mean studying :P

2. There is ALWAYS some auntyji concerned more than necessary about your career because her husband's brother's wife's sister's son also did the same course as you and so that makes her qualified to suggest you that Modi College of Engineering is better than Kejriwal College of Technology or big 4s are better than small or medium level firms.

3. There is a gang of your father's masiji(s) and maamaji(s) who will suggest to your parents that "ab iska number bhi aane wlaa hai,bahot padhaai ho gayi ab iske liye bhi dekhna shuru karo" (I always shut them up by forcing them to eat gulaabjamun, I swear on Harry Potter's scar that it always works. You lose the dessert but yay, no more bullcrap! :D )

4. There is this one whiny relative who will catch hold of you and say "aap toh kabhi yaad hi nahi karte hame"

Uff.

(Aap to jaise hame roz roz whatsapp karte hain na !!!)

5. Some uncle you have never seen in 22 years of your existence will come to you, pull your cheeks and say "itni si thi jab dekhi thi aur ab dekho...kaunsi class mei ho gayi" and then for some reason he will take out some money and force it into your hand. And this is a rule that you refuse it twice till he says aashirwaad hota hai, mana nahi karte.It then becomes your moral duty to accept it.
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!

6. One elderly female sitting on the couch who you'll have to go and meet because she can't move. She is the one who is made to guard all the bags.

7. The NRI relatives of the family impeccably dressed in a traditional attire, looking more Indian than all the Indians present in the wedding. The tall, blonde French guy seems so irresistible that you forget all decency and keep staring at him :P (ye point #3 wale masi n mama ji ko ab kyu nahi yaad ata ki mera number aane wala hai?! :P :P )

8. A group of aunties busy gossiping and finding faults in other aunties' sarees and suits. And then suddenly one of them asks in a hush- hush voice "arranged marriage hai ya love?" and when the answer is arranged, I am reminded of this - 

9. This is the funniest of all - the photographer zooming in on the people eating and people posing for the video camera like it's a still camera :P

 Finally, the baraat arrives. There are shiny decked-up aunties dancing (how they manage to dance in heels is a mystery I have never been able to solve) with the baraat with their equally shiny purses tucked into their armpits.

And suddenly there is a lot of crowd on the DJ.

I have noticed this pattern - as the friends of the groom show their moves on the DJ, either of these two songs is played-

a) aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai!

b) ek kunwaara fir gaya maara, fas gaya dekho ye bechara !

And then some crazy fellow from the group pulls the groom on the DJ and he is made to dance on apne vyaah te nachda firre!!
Then suddenly all these fellows (except the groom) vanish somewhere for a while and come back all energetic and dance bizarrely on the beats of do ghoont pila de saathiyaa and I understand where they must have disappeared.

And then suddenly the dance-music is stopped and din shagana da chadheya is played and all the focus shifts as the coy bride, clad in all red, enters. She takes ages to reach the stage where the groom is waiting for her. Once she is there, the bride and the groom exchange the varmaala (there is a lot of hooting as the groom's friends lift him up so that the bride can't reach him.)

Then it's time for the poses and everybody comes and showers the blessings on the newly wed couple.

After the pictures and poses, they have dinner together.

While the bride and the groom look all jittery thinking about all the changes that would soon come into their lives after the wedding, all the relatives change into comfortable casuals because it's time for the pheras.

The pheras are the most sacred part of an Indian wedding. The couple makes the vows of being together till death do them apart.

Fast- forwarding,

As the pheras come to an end, the bride gets all moist-eyed (This is perhaps the only time when a woman's worry of smudging her makeup takes a backseat! :P), hugs her family and leaves with the groom in a beautifully decorated car for their home (where the friends and family have planted alarm clocks to ruin their first night together.)

And so it ends after a night-long saga !

Lesson learnt - 

How Do We Spell God? S.A.C.H.I.N.

Pre-Script :
 This is a re-post of my blogpost http://flibbertigibbetsurbhi.quora.com/How-do-we-spell-God which I posted when His Highness Sachin Tendulkar got retired. I am posting it again here since it's His birthday today :)


Is it ok to call Sachin god?
No...it would be a non sequitur...God isn't as great as His Highness Sachin Tendulkar.
For He is the answer to how just one man can hold a nation's breath...how can one person put a smile on a billion faces with a single stroke of his bat...

On a train from Shimla to Delhi,there was a halt in one of the stations. The train stopped by for few minutes as usual.sachin was nearing century, batting on 98.The passengers, railway officilas, everyone on the train waited for Sachin to complete the century. This genius can stop time in India!

(Peter Roebuck,former Somerset captain and journalist)

200 matches...329 innings...15921 runs...51 centuries...68 half-centuries (Test cricket)

463 matches...18426 runs...49 centuries...96 half-centuries...154 wickets (ODIs)

But when it comes to Sachin, don't just look at the stats.

Cricketing abilities allied with a greed to bat and an excessively healthy appetite for hardwork, intense focus that is unswayed by praise or criticism, a passion so deep that it's hard to distinguish cricket from Him and Him from cricket...that's Him...that's Sachin Tendulkar...a cricketer who defined His generation.

He has created records, challenged Himself and the world, averted controversies and above all, He has maintained as low a profile as a man constantly in the focus of world media can...He is a shining example of merit eclipsing all odds.

One God saluting other


There are a lot of things that we can learn from the Master Blaster's life...

Focus
That's perhaps the biggest reason of His success...He epitomises perfection...and perfection, undoubtedly, is a result of His focused practice.

He has been a genius when it comes to ability, a trojan when it comes to work ethic and a maniac when it comes to focus.

(Viv Richards)

Do what you enjoy doing
That's what drives Him to create the magic on the field...He simply is in love with cricket...and the happiness that He derives from playing is evident in the countless records that He has broken during course of His journey between  22 yards...As His better-half,Dr Anjali Tendulkar aptly puts it -

I can imagine cricket without him but I can't imagine Sachin without cricket.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going
He has never let His injuries,failures bog Him down...He took all criticism in His stride and proved that He is the true superstar...

Don't let success go to your head
Even at the top of His career, He never took the game lightly, nor His success too seriously...His hardwork and respect for His profession have lasted all throughout His career..He has His own impeccable ways of doing things - He lets His bat do all the talking.

Be humble

Harsha Bhogle's words to Sachin: 

I have often said that you could have, with the pedestal we put you on, looked down at the game below, that you could have allowed yourself to think you were its biggest star. Instead, you remained a servant, always putting the game and its traditions first. Much has changed around you but your respect for the game hasn’t. It is a nice lesson for those obsessed with stardom and its trappings.And that is why I think one of your biggest contributions to Indian cricket was in not behaving like the star you were.

Dear Sachin,
Nobody stirs as many emotions as you do...you make us smile, you make us cry (the farewell speech was so heart-rending.) you make us proud, you unite us all in our love for you.
You are a gift from heaven.
You are the pride and joy of India.
No doubt you are the youngest Bharat Ratna. 
There won't be another one like you.

Happy Birthday, my hero :)

P.S.

1. I wanted to write so much about Him but could articulate only this bit...because words wouldn't suffice.
2. Apart from the stats and quotes about Him, I collected this little information about him from various newspapers which I could not fit in above -
 He doesn't just hit on the field but in the kitchen as well...He is a great cook..He once cooked baingan barta for the whole team.
His favourite movie is sholay.
His favourite song is main zindagi ka sath nibhata chala gaya from the movie hum dono.