Whatever.

House# 13
Doldrums Lane

Panic City

Low Spirits - 100001

02/06/2017

The Secretary
The Department of Emotions
You-Make-Me-Sick Road.

Sir
Subject : Cancellation of my subscription to your department.

This is to bring to your kind attention that I would like to unsubscribe to all things related to your department because of the reasons enlisted below -

1.  I have absolutely no faith in the quality of your products. You claim to sell cherries but they turn out to be lemons. I have seen people portraying happiness when they are in fact green with jealousy.

2. There is no market left for genuine care. People run helter-skelter behind the beguile and do not believe in gestures. As they say in Hindi, 'Jo dikhta hai, wo bikta hai'. There is no meaning left in what I silently do to make life easy for people around me...my gestures don't count but what matters is that 'tumne haal chaal nahi pucha humara'. I am not the type who beats the trumpet, so the hell with everything. You neither get the care, nor the haalchaal puchna, all you get now is silence. Enjoy.

3. Anxiety and panic attacks have been the bane of my life. Please, PLEASE, P.L.E.A.S.E. just get this shit out of my life now. Earnest request.

4. Anger! I am nauseated by people who take their ire out on innocent people around them who have no relation whatsoever with the cause of their anger. People who shout at everybody and anybody have long since lost respect in my eyes. These empty vessels that make so much noise, make me reach my nadir of patience. Just erase this nonsense asap, please!

5. Exams? Frustration. Result? Frustration. Job? Frustration. Some social obligation? Frustration. People? Frustration.
Enough said.

6. In return of the trust I place in people, I only get disgust as the by-product of betrayal. It brings suffering, dejection and grief as other co-products. But predominantly, it induces fear, to be honest. I am scared to 'trust' my own judgement now!  


I hope that I have cited enough reasons to be able to call for cancellation. If not, you could send your executive to visit me and see just how sick I am of your products.
 As they say, those who are heartless. once cared too much. I am done caring and I now wish to purchase the heartless part of the adage. If you sell heartlessness, please courier it to the aforementioned address after deducting any discounts that you may be offering. Or is there some exchange bonus? You know, trading all the shitty emotions for heartlessness and I-don't-give-a-damn products?

In anticipation of a quick response from you,
Yours annoyingly
My Middle Finger.

...in the eyes of the beholder.

I never imagined to find myself in a situation where my middle finger would be the best answer to everything. But that was before I signed up for CA.

I am sorry, I am back again to vent out my frustration at the preposterously difficult course that I chose to pursue. No wonder everybody calls us rondu... but I would love to see you swap places with a CA for once and then say it. 

I am reminded of a silly SMS that I read ages back when I had just set my foot into the world of CA and 20k free SMS plan had just hit the market which meant a flood of forwarded SMS everyday from everybody (you can't deny that life was good before WhatsApp plagued us!) I didn't really understand what was really funny in that SMS then but now I do. It was something like this -

A doctor, an engineer and a CA die together in a plane crash. Up there, they start fighting over who deserves to go to heaven. God asks them to reiterate their respective deeds to Him so that He could take the decision...

Doctor : Main ek doctor hun, Maine sari umar dusro ke dard dur karne mei laga di. Swarg ka haqdaar main hi hun.

Engineer : Main ek engineer hu. CSE. Maine apni zindagi softwares bnane mei laga di. Apke yaha bhi laga skta hu aur chitragupt ji ko rakhne ki zarurat nahi padegi apko.

God (looking impressed) : Wow... (turning towards the third man) Aur tum kaun ho ?

CA : Prabhu, main ek CA hun aur maine...

God : Bas, mere bhai, bas. Aur kuch mat bol. Sari zindagi tu narak mei roya hai, Subah se lekar shaam tak articleship mei mara hai. Kabhi classes to kabhi clients ke beech pissa hai. Ab rulayga kya? Swarg ka haqdaar tu hi hai, mere bhai, tu hi hai.


If you didn't find anything funny in that joke then let me tell you that it is okay and nothing wasn't really funny at all.

Have you ever observed that everything becomes a hundred times more interesting when you have exams coming up? Let me show you the world from the eyes of a person who has put on the 'Exam-goggles'. 

Though each one of has been there but everyone has a different fingerprint and perspective. MY perspective, I assure you, is completely ridiculous as I find stupidest of things funny for no reason at all. Let me illustrate : there is this topic in taxation 'Bonus Stripping'. I had laughed myself silly at the title! Forgive my obscenity, the section numbers make me think of lingerie and sizes - 32, 34D, 40A, 44B ! And we have some novel ones too - 35D, 43B. No wonder boys find tax so alluring!

Murphy's law is always in full swing during the exams -  When you have nothing to do, the weather is sultry hot and even the thought of stepping out gives you sunburns but when you have humoungous amount of course left, the Rain God opens the door of heavens for you and the weather becomes tantalizingly pleasant, daring you to choose between petrichor and penalties&prosecution. Answer me honestly, which idiot would leave the former for the latter? 
Even the TV people seem to hold some grudge against me : there is nothing but savdhan India/ CID (I hate them to the core) coming up when it is my break but the moment I sit to study, I hear my favourite melody - the music that is played when the WB banner is displayed before the HP movies. How can anyone study with that?!
All the novels seem to be sneering at me from my shelf testing my willpower as I weigh Inheritance of Loss against Profit&gains from Business and profession. I don't know how long the battle would continue and when would I succumb and pick up the novel.

To cap it all, all my friends (of course, Non - CA) are busy making travelling plans when I can't set my foot out of my house without being slashed by an axe placed by ICAI over my head. I am left at a loss of words when each of them voices  the same question that November is ages away then why can't I come. November is N.O.T. fucking ages away and I have so much course left that it won't finish even if I study for 16 hours a day for the remaining 4 months.
Then there is the fact that when I somehow sit to study, my appetite becomes 4times the normal. Late night study especially poses a problem now because how can I explain my famished stomach that Maggi has been banned? Nevertheless, from the old adjectives like giraffe and hanger, I have now moved on to words like jollux. The adipose tissue covering my body is making exercise anathema to me with each passing day. But in my defence,  I'd like to think of the accumulating fat as nourishment and constant supply of ATP for my brain so that I can remember all the assessment procedures.

As I sit to cram that assessment under section 143(3)/144 can be done till 2 years from end of relevant assessment year but assessment u/s 147 is to be completed within 1 year from the end of financial year (and not assessment year!) in which the notice u/s 148 was served, my intractable mind again wanders off... My inner self smugly mocks me and says may be one day you are going to get a phonecall : Namashkaar Surbhi Ji, main Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon Kaun Banega Crorepati se...mere samne yaha Manan Makkar baithe hain aur unhe apki sahayta ki zarurat hai Income Tax ke ek sawaal mein... may be that is where all this Income Tax is going to help me. And oh, of course, to pass the 'approaching-at-the -speed -of -light - and - I-have-gargantuan-amount-of- course- left' exams.
You could pray for me, you know. It is free and some good wishes wouldn't go amiss during a C.R.I.S.I.S. like this.



P.S. 
I tried to keep my frustration to bare minimum albeit the fact that it is so palpable. Thank goodness, there is no tax on the same or I would have been the highest taxpayer.

C.A. - Conundrum Ad-infinitum

Conundrum : A confusing problem or question
Ad - infinitum : For ever and ever till hell freezes over

सुकून की बात मत कर ऐ ग़ालिब

बचपन वाला  Sunday अब नहीं आता...

And that is pretty much the story of my life these days.



Everyday, even before the rooster is up, reluctantly leaving the warmth of my quilt, I drag myself out of the bed [Okay, I admit it is only after I have snoozed off the alarm for about 5 times!], to get ready for my coaching.

Packed from tip to toe, braving the cold and fog, I reach the metro station only to see my quarry leaving me behind to wait for the next metro that is scheduled after 10 minutes or so.

-sigh-

I am late again.

The quintessential Surbhi Makkar behaviour.

I pace around the platform watching the fellow passengers, wondering, what in the name of Lord Voldemort, did I do in my past births to have earned this sort of cruelty.

No, I don't mean any offence to ICAI, but what on earth they were thinking while devising such a gruesome manner of butchering students, is a mystery that I have always failed to understand.

I mean, see...nobody, except a valiant CA pursuant, has to go to office AND attend coaching (twice a day, everyday) AND study side by side for the exams so tough that it gives nightmares daily not just because the course is unimaginably vast but also the fact that under the veneer of high standards the institute deliberately sets the papers that spell out : Did-you-think-that-you-would-get-a-degree-you-are-a-fool-We-want-you-all-to-fail...

And I am not even mentioning the harassment that sometimes articles have to face for attending the classes (as if the early morning classes are really a party that we all look forward to)

My firm, thankfully, is flexible enough but there are people who have to leave the class midway to reach office in time...what is the point of paying 25000 bucks...what is the point of making me undergo the training if you don't want me to study and be a CA...what is the point of all this new Companies Act hullabaloo and the amendments that you bring about at the speed of light if you don't fucking give me time to prepare for the exams !??!

and if that wasn't enough, you introduce some crappy mandatory advance IT training, for which you don't have the requisite infrastructure and you make students go all the way to AnandVihar from Dwarka, which we have to do right before our exams.

Oh God, I don't even have the energy to vent out my own frustration, my anger at the harsh provisions, or my fears that I would flunk...why is everybody trying to make my life miserable? :|

There are days when I simply feel like running away from everything. To hell with career, to hell with every damn person...to hell with life.

My train of thoughts is interrupted by the arrival of metro train. I see DR boarding the same metro and I find myself laughing that at least I am not the only one who is late :P

AC's coaching got over already else I would have been accompanied by yet another latelatif :D

I feel really happy when I see somebody who is latelatif-er than even ME :P

As the metro runs, my thoughts too come running back in my mind...hovering over my mind like an eagle waiting to swoop over its prey, the negative thoughts (read worry + frustration + jitters, exacerbated by sleep deprivation) wait to find any crack in my Patronus and make way inside me. But having slept badly at night, I drift off to an uneasy nap.

KS calling...KS calling beeps my mobile...and I know that it is 6:45 already and the class has begun and I am late...again...as usual.

I finally reach the auditorium.

As I enter, I am greeted with a sea of bespectacled students (It is perhaps a fashion to wear specs if you are doing such a demanding course...I wear one too. :P)

From east to west, from north to south, from every nook and cranny of the auditorium, I see about 500 students categorised into following :

1. The Geeky ones taking notes furiously and sparing me a reproving look that says : shame, shame, I know your name...you latecomer girl so lame.

2. The Carefree ones who are busy making aeroplanes in the class.

3. The fashion models - these girls look ready to go to a party. Hats off, pretty ladies. I mean the class begins at 6:30am and it takes a hell lot of time to doll up!

4. The lazybones - mostly boys, they look as if they have come straight out of bed without a shower.

5. The sleeping beauties - those who have paid 25000 and get up at 5:30am to come to the class and sleep.

6. VIPs - people yet to come...I mean, they swagger in really, really late.

7. The DPK people - SK, CJ, CG, GS, JA, SG, JG all of them grinning at me.

8. KS - The girl in lustrous black hair, smiling broadly as I enter.

9. DR - the latelatif from Dwarka walking behind me :P If his friend picks him up from the metro station on his scooty (both of them without helmets :P), he reaches earlier than me :P

10. SM - the showstopper : I, Me, Myself, Surbhi, Surbhi Makkar :D The greatest CA the world would ever see :P

Munching over the eatables that KS brings for me, I look around only to find people (except category 1) looking drowsy. Category 1 people alone have the enigmatic Hermione-Gene to resist the soporific power of the teacher.

I sleep half through my class too, the sleep deprived soul that I am...I suffer from insomnia which magically gets treated during the class :| :P

There is a cute side of CA too. :D

The course is so long and demanding, the classes so many that people get a lot of time to spend with each other :P They get to know each other well and end up being together for lifetime. My cousin keeps telling me about her friends who tied the nuptials after being CAs in the same attempt...so the girl/boy who happens to sit with you during a class merely by a lucky chance  might be the beloved you are destined to be with ! But not everybody is that lucky...there are also cases when Madam meets Sir during CPT...both of them clear the entrance...Madam proves to be a distraction for Sir...She clears the intermediate, Sir could not clear even the first group...Madam clears the final, Sir has still not cleared his first group...ultimately, CA madam breaks up with CPT-cleared Sir who then breaks up with ICAI and drops the course.

so Sirs and Madams, tread very carefully :D

Sometimes, I chide myself for not paying attention..not that I do it deliberately but two classes and 3 hours of travel and the consequential fatigue renders me incapable of understanding the fact that I am really going to regret not listening to the teacher attentively...A LOT.

But then this helplessness at getting caught in the quagmire of so-much-to-do-so-little-time-left engulfs me...Even this blog post is written out of frustration...A sense of hopelessness enslaves my mind and my already overwrought mind pleads me to let it shut down for a while...but something inside me, a little voice fights back and says - it is so easy to tune out, to shut down the systems, to close my eyes and lie back and wait for everything to end...but this is not what life is all about...life is about fighting back to victory.

And with this thought, I keep going day after day...I persevere in hope that I am soon going to reach my goal and turn my dreams into reality -

Ek Pal Niche Nazar hai, Ek Pal Upar Nazar Hai.

If you really sincerely want something, nature grants you- I'd heard a lot of people bandying about this philosophy but never could relate to it till last week.

Having reached my nodus tollens (The realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore—that although you thought you were following the arc of the story, you keep finding yourself immersed in passages you don't understand), there was always an unfamiliar frustration building up inside me. The insane questions like 'why am I here' or 'what am I supposed to do with my life' kept bugging me ALL.THE.TIME.

As you get older, you find that life begins to wear you down. Doesn't matter who you are or what you do, it happens. Experience, time, events - they all conspire against you to steal away your energy, to erode your confidence, to make you question things you wouldn't have given a second thought to when you were young. It happens gradually, a chipping away that you don't even notice at first, and then one day it's there. You wake up and you just don't have the fire anymore. When your mind keeps hankering about the past, it gets stuck in negativity and begins to rot...and that was what I felt was happening to me..

And when it reached the apex, when I could not handle it alone myself, I surrendered..I asked for help...and it was showered on me by The Almighty in a jiffy.

My office people planned for Maa Vaishno Devi Yatra...It is believed that nobody can undertake the yatra until Maa wishes him/her to...but what I didn't know was that She hears the plea instantly before even you voice it out...in my case, She definitely did...

Situated at a height of 5300 ft. the site is located inside a cave a midst the folds of the Trikuta Bhagwati hill in the state of J&K. This cave temple is at  distance of 61 Kms from jammu and the last 13 Kms of the yatra have to be walked on foot. Once at the entrance to the cave, the path turns into a narrow tunnel with Charan Ganga running through it. The pilgrim has to wade through this to reach the sanctum sanctorum.

Each step that I took for the arduous yet beautiful journey, each drop of sweat that fell while walking,dancing the way up to the top of the hill felt heavenly...because bit by bit, it was relieving me of my frustration, my eternal restlessness and negativity...It was like somebody was untying the knots inside , opening me to my own self...yes, my muscles ached, my legs screamed to simply stop and sit down but something also kept me going...I don't know it was the hum of "jai maata di" giving me energy to keep going or the Maata herself pulling me towards bliss...

As I walked step by step, I was reminded of my my favorite verses of one of the poems by Harivansh Rai Bachchan - 

एक कोने में हृदय के आग तेरे जल रही है

देखने को मग तुझे जलना पड़ेगा ही मुसाफिर

साँस चलती है तुझे चलना पड़ेगा ही मुसाफिर

The whole journey epitomises faith...If anybody doesn't believe in power of faith, he/she ought to undertake this mind-boggling yatra...Everybody and anybody you meet on your way towards bhavan says "Jai Maata Di". There are dholwalahs playing dhol and everybody just joins in the celebration of "Jai Maata Di", the travelers on a cosmic journey,swirling and dancing in the whirlpools of infinity who have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to share this joy.

It is sheer bliss..You feel that people,circumstances, events suddenly matter no  more and all that is there is the pure truth of this enigmatic higher power which is guiding you, supporting you, giving you a hand...

Since lakhs of devotees visit the place, the old cave is generally kept closed. But this universe is big,vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes—very rarely—impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. When we reached the bhavan, the old cave was opened for the pilgrims..It was so so overwhelming...All my mental and physical fatigue suddenly disappeared...All my worldly worries seemed to be vanquishing by the power of faith...The Charan Ganga soothing my sore body and the grace of Almighty soothing my aching soul, it was an ineffable feeling. All that I could manage was a heartfelt gratitude.

There are umpteen number of memories associated with the journey for which words won't suffice even if I tried articulating them. But I learnt one mantra which this Yatra taught me - Just believe in Almighty, Know that He is there and He will take care of everything for you.

Next we went to PatniTop and NathaTop. And it was a dream come true...I always fantasized about walking down narrow roads of a mountain with snow on both the sides.

It was such a filmy scene...from top to bottom, from left to right,wherever I looked, I saw cotton-like snow...So silent, so beautiful...clear blue sky on top of me, bright white snow all around me...Utopian beauty...whoever says heaven doesn't exist, should visit this place...It left me in awe with beauty that God has created around us...It silenced my mind to the core, it gave deep rest to my soul which I was yearning for so many years...I felt in harmony with nature, with myself.

We spent hours sliding and mindlessly playing in the snow...Climbing on top of the mountain and then sliding back together was indescribable fun...

I finally understand what Ranbir meant when he said - "Main udna chahta hoon, daudna chahta hoon, girna bhi chahta hoon ... bus rukna nahi chahta"

P.S.

1. I want to thank my Sir because of whom the plan of this trip got accomplished without any hindrance...and also for being so understanding and patient and bearing the nuisance that all of us were and also want to apologize on behalf of all of us if we caused any trouble unintentionally.

2. I want to thank my friends who made this trip memorable for me. The time that I spent with you all is something I am going to cherish for lifetime. Chirag Grover and Shubhangi Kapoor need special mention here for it was on their insistence that I went for this trip.