The Aftermath.

I have been meaning to write this blog ever since my exams ended (phew!) but I could not muster the strength. Taking the CA final exams is, frankly, a mind-fucking business. 
It was mentally so gruesome that it has been almost one month but I still get up in the middle of night imagining that I overslept and missed my exam!

I have no qualms about admitting that these exams have changed my very essence. I don't know how exactly to put it into words. It is like the person I was before exams (Pre - Surbhi) has been kidnapped by the person the mirror now shows me after exams (Post - Surbhi).
I think this is one of the tragedies of post-exams that after being bullied by an external force to continuously study, for so long, I am now suddenly facing a void that I don't know what to fill with. With the exams, I, at least had an excuse for ignoring everything else but, now, everything that I relegated to the back-burner for almost 2 years is staring back at me with a big question mark spread over its face. And what's worse, Pre - Surbhi had answers  for this but Post-Surbhi doesn't. I mean, ideally, this is the time I should be working upon building my skills - updating myself with GST, jazzing up my CV and most importantly, being fit again. But this blank, unmotivated mind is being more of an anchor, weighing me down, keeping me from my pursuits. The enigmatic part is that I don't know the why/how of this state of my mind; I am sitting on the edge of a precipice looking down at Pre- Surbhi drowning in the river below.




I am suddenly reminded of this pet dog in my nephew's neighbourhood. Its name is Buzo. It is the laziest dog I have ever seen. I have never seen it doing anything except eating or sleeping. It doesn't even care to bark at any passerby. This is how exhausted my mind is post-exams. I don't care to do ANYTHING. (Hey, wait. Did I just compare myself to a dog? See what I meant by my fatigued mind?)

I wrote this Hindi poem to do justice to the state of standstill that I find myself in. This is the first time I tried my hand at Hindi poetry. It was written sometime back but I still haven't been able to think of a title for it. (Also, ignore the typos which came up while converting it to devnaagri.)

कभी कभी खुद से मैं यूँ बतियाती हूँ
दिन भर की धूपछाँव , ज़िंदगी की दौड़ भाग से दूर
निशा के शांत पहर में खुद को मैं समझाती हू
पग पग चल, गिर कर संभल कर, 99 कोस चली मैं
इस आखरी पग पर फिर मैं क्यूँ घबराती हूँ
क्या हुई राह मुश्किल या है कम होती हिम्मत का ये कसूर
जो सामने खड़ी मंज़िल और अपने बीच एक अथाह समुंदर मैं पाती हूँ
सामने दिखता क्यूँ अंधेरा, क्यूँ डूबता हुआ सूरज
मुसीबत अर्चन के पहाड़ के आगे खुद को क्यूँ कमज़ोर मैं पाती हूँ
रात के ये सन्नाटे, ये गहराइयाँ, ये ख़ौफ़ के तिमिर निर्लज्ज
खुद मैं जानूं या खुदा मेरा जाने ऐसे में कैसे मैं अपने हृदय में हौंसले के दीप जलाती हूँ
रोज़ सपने में आती है नन्ही सुरभि और करती सवाल मुझसे एक ही वो
क्या तुम जहाँ हो वहाँ खुश हो?
और बदले मैं उससे प्रश्न एक मैं भी उठती हूँ
क्या मैं वो हूँ 20 साल बाद तुम बनना चाहती हो जो?
अपने नयनों में बड़ी हैरांनियाँ लिए वो कहती नही मैं तुम्हे नहीं पहचानती
पर मेरी आँखो में छाती उदासी देख है एकदम वो खामोशी से यूँ कहती
फिर भी ना जाने क्यूँ लगती तुम कोई अपनी, मैं तुमपे भरोसा करना चाहती हूँ
तो बेखौफ़ हो कर बढ़ो बस आगे, अब दूर नही मंज़िल पास है किनारा
भले तुम वो ना हो जिसका सपना मैने देखा
मगर हो उससे बेहतर, निडर और साहसी
मैं बड़े हो कर तुम्हारे जैसी ही बनना चाहती हूँ

Nevertheless, nothing, esp an exam, can keep me from my awesomeness for long, the Barney Stinson that I am.

I treated myself with a movie spree. I have been doing nothing but watching movies, striking them off one by one from my pending-movies list. From Dil Chahta Hai to Talvar, from The Dark Knight Rises to Fifty Shades of Grey, I left no genre untouched. I watched about 15 movies in two weeks, before resuming my office.

I also visited my aunt after almost 2 years. It was the train journey, the aimless evening walks and the reckless scooty- rides that finally pepped up my spirits and provided a much needed respite from the farrago of my mind.

P.S.

Apologies for the sheer non-sense that this post is.

It was difficult getting back to blogging after so many months! I shall try to write a better and a more meaningful post the next time.