Oonchi Hai Building, Lift Teri Band Hai :D

My great-great-great grandfather told his son that his great-great-great grandfather was friends with Uncle Darwin. Now, Uncle Darwin was a peculiar kind of a man. He, according to me, was a pessimist who believed that you will be wiped off the surface of the Earth If you don't change. Well, what he really propagated was the theory of natural selection and the survival of the fittest but what a lame person like me understands by it is that if you do not change with the changing world, you will soon be engulfed by obsolescence. 
The easiest example that I can come up with is that of Nokia. The company failed to keep up with the technological changes and lost all its market share to android phones.
They say that the only constant thing in life is change! All is hunky-dory with the concept of change except that it is a real challenge to leave behind things that you so loved and replace them with something better. But the real question that the Philosopher- Surbhi wants to ask is that if change /really/ is as good as it is touted to be. Allow me to put forth my arguments. But before that I would like to state that these are my personal opinions and are not intended to hurt anybody's sentiments, so keep control over your melodramatic tendencies please!

The world of music was bombarded a few years back by this sensation known as Arijit Singh. The whole country was in tears to hear his 'sun raha hai na tu, ro raha hu main.' He is the God of unrequited love and Messiah of jilted lovers.
But I personally believe that no matter how advanced the music industry becomes, how much we sway to Ed Sheeran's Shape of you, nothing can replace the old meaningless songs that the Bollywood produced. These are the songs that I remember singing with my cousins whenever there was a power outage and we had nothing to do except play Antakshri. (Can any game on your Playstore replace this good old Antakshri? And just out of curiosity, how many of you sing Tum hi ho instead of Tu cheez badi hai mast mast in the game?) 
The other day, one of my friends mocked me for maintaining a diary for all the movies I have watched and books I have read. He said I could do that on IMDB and Goodreads. This is one reason that makes me detest changes. It would break my heart if I even think of giving up on my diary and start a list on IMDB! Uncle Darwin said people like me would be wiped off because we lag behind.

Anyway, this post is not about changes per se. It is about the ridiculous lyrics that the songs back then had. It is about the inexplicable solace that I derive listening to these because they somehow connect me to childhood days when there was neither worry nor care! Life was easy and I was not surrounded by scary-looking & big books on GST or had deadlines to meet or stressed about responsibilities at home. This post is about what these songs are symbolic of - cable TV, video games, postcards & greeting cards, carom board & ludo, Kya aap closeup karte hain, Aahat, B.R. Chopra's Mahabharat every Sunday, Champak and what not.

Here are the songs that make me burst out laughing because of their silly lyrics but these never fail to cheer me up because each time I listen to them, I am like - what were they even thinking. :D (An absolutely irrelevant observation is that these are mostly from the movies of Salman Khan :P well, what else can you expect. :P )
Of course, there are countless such songs but here is a compilation of what I can think of at the moment!

1. Tan Tana Tan Tan Taara
I am unable to choose which lines make me laugh the most - suna hai tere chahne wale, aage dus hain piche barah or Tu meri hai pepsi-cola main tera hu coca cola :D
You got to see whole of it to get the feel of Bollywood rhymes and the dance moves because the song itself says ek baar se dil nahi bharta mud ke dekh mujhe dobara :P
Also, I am not ashamed to admit that I loved the movie Judwaa and it is taking all my willpower to resist adding the other songs from the movie, whether it is East or West, India is the best or Duniya mei aaye ho to love kar lo, thoda sa jee lo thoda thoda mar lo :P

2. Hawa Hawai
Awi Wiwi Wiwi Wiwi, chee ho ho honolulu lu lu, honolulu, Hing bekei Hong Kong king kong, I seenoosi yusiloosi hassi toso, lassi pissi, mombasa, ping pong. Ake chikke lakee chikee.
Enough said!
My favourite lines - Bijli girane main hu aayi, hekte hain mujhko hawa hawai :D

3. Papa kehte hain bada naam karega
Every time I did something stupid or scored low marks, I was made to hear this song at home :D And people wonder how I grew up to be so sarcastic!
My favourite lines - Koi engineer ka kaam karega, business mei koi apna naam karega :P

4. O o Jane Jana
Inception of Salman Khan's shirtless era :P
I like this song because of its peppy beats ! And come on, isn't it universally accepted that it is a crime to ignore a guy with guitar? :P Except the fact that this song has Salman Khan, everything about this song is great !
My favourite lines - not the lines but the guitar at the inception of the song!

5. Ole Ole
This is the musical version of the fact 'Men will be men' :P
You may disagree if you wish but this song has accepted the reality that guys go nuts in vicinity of estrogen-carriers.
My favourite lines - the main lines  jab bhi koi ladki dekhu mera dil diwana bole ole ole ole, ole ole ole :D

6. Choli ke peeche kya hai
Kukukukuk... this one needs no introduction :D
It is one of the most sensuous songs of its time! And Madhuri's dance moves are worth dying for! She alone could do justice to the wonderful beats of this song!
My favourite lines - aashiq pade hain piche, koi idhar ko khinche koi udhar ko khinche :P

7. Na jane kahan se aayi hai
Sridevi's expressions need a standing ovation!
My favourite lines  - Kisi ke hath na aygi ye ladki :D

8. Jumma Chumma 
Again, this song has the real touch of what Bollywood represents! It shows the plight of the guy begging the girl for a kiss in a quintessential filmy way ! Listen to this song if you like hardcore hindi music!
My favourite lines - Jumma chumma de de, jumma chumma de de :D

9. Tum par hum hain atke 
The lyrics are typical of Bollywood :D
You got to listen to this for its rhyming scheme :P
My favourite lines - Mere bhaiya toh bharwayenge tujhse to pani ke matke :P

10. Kisi disco mei jayein
How could I not include Govinda's songs :D His epic expressions while dancing the weird dance, set this song apart :P This one still leaves people grooving when played on DJ :D
My favourite lines - chalo ishq ladaye, chalo ishq ladaye :D

This is by no means even the tip of iceberg that the Bollywood music industry is! Comment about your songs that crack you up, in the comment box!


Yours sincerely
A person averse to changes & a 'rigid' fan of RiHiMuSo 
(~Ridiculous Hindi Music Society)

P.S. I am the founder and President of RiHiMuSo.

Whatever.

House# 13
Doldrums Lane

Panic City

Low Spirits - 100001

02/06/2017

The Secretary
The Department of Emotions
You-Make-Me-Sick Road.

Sir
Subject : Cancellation of my subscription to your department.

This is to bring to your kind attention that I would like to unsubscribe to all things related to your department because of the reasons enlisted below -

1.  I have absolutely no faith in the quality of your products. You claim to sell cherries but they turn out to be lemons. I have seen people portraying happiness when they are in fact green with jealousy.

2. There is no market left for genuine care. People run helter-skelter behind the beguile and do not believe in gestures. As they say in Hindi, 'Jo dikhta hai, wo bikta hai'. There is no meaning left in what I silently do to make life easy for people around me...my gestures don't count but what matters is that 'tumne haal chaal nahi pucha humara'. I am not the type who beats the trumpet, so the hell with everything. You neither get the care, nor the haalchaal puchna, all you get now is silence. Enjoy.

3. Anxiety and panic attacks have been the bane of my life. Please, PLEASE, P.L.E.A.S.E. just get this shit out of my life now. Earnest request.

4. Anger! I am nauseated by people who take their ire out on innocent people around them who have no relation whatsoever with the cause of their anger. People who shout at everybody and anybody have long since lost respect in my eyes. These empty vessels that make so much noise, make me reach my nadir of patience. Just erase this nonsense asap, please!

5. Exams? Frustration. Result? Frustration. Job? Frustration. Some social obligation? Frustration. People? Frustration.
Enough said.

6. In return of the trust I place in people, I only get disgust as the by-product of betrayal. It brings suffering, dejection and grief as other co-products. But predominantly, it induces fear, to be honest. I am scared to 'trust' my own judgement now!  


I hope that I have cited enough reasons to be able to call for cancellation. If not, you could send your executive to visit me and see just how sick I am of your products.
 As they say, those who are heartless. once cared too much. I am done caring and I now wish to purchase the heartless part of the adage. If you sell heartlessness, please courier it to the aforementioned address after deducting any discounts that you may be offering. Or is there some exchange bonus? You know, trading all the shitty emotions for heartlessness and I-don't-give-a-damn products?

In anticipation of a quick response from you,
Yours annoyingly
My Middle Finger.

Kisi ke Hath na Aayegi ye Ladki Part #1: Kolkata Diaries.

Not all those who wander are lost...



Like every dreamer, I too had my bucket list prepared by the age of 10. Well, I didn't know it was called a bucket list but you get the drift, I hope. I wanted to travel to every nook and cranny of my country and then the world. But life doesn't work like Aladdin's Magic Lamp - your wish is my command.  I got caught up badly in the quagmire that the life sometimes throws into your path. But somewhere deep inside me, I had that dreamer alive who was waiting for her opportunity to swoop upon and be a globetrotter. 
And voila, with some fortunate twists, I got to travel to Kolkata! Well, it is a start!

The best part about travelling is the feeling of removal of my comfort zone. The feeling that how much I have been missing on, how much I need to see is both unnerving and overwhelming.  
Let me take you on a journey of Kolkata with my eyes - 


People, People everywhere.

Delhi is barely a dot on the map of India. West Bengal is gigantic in area. Despite that, the first thing I noticed about Kolkata is that it is densely populated. The only place that matches this density in Delhi is Chandni Chowk. Or may be Rajiv Chowk Metro station. I couldn't stand and admire any place, I was swept by the crowd if I stood at any place even a second longer. But Kolkata is made of wonderfully helpful people. As sweet as Rosogulla. As soft hearted as Sondesh. I asked my hotel manager about some good places to visit and he actually took out 30 minutes to write it all down on a piece of paper for me! I was flattered.

But one mind-boggling thing was their attitude between 2 to 5 pm. The city shuts down completely as if in curfew. Everybody refuses to work, shops closed, the taxi hoods raised up, the city comes to a halt. Weird norm really!


The Tram & the Metro.

Tram is the most famous mode of sightseeing ! it is utterly slow but gives a glimpse of most of the important places of the city. It is actually a train like structure that moves on the road ! It is a good option if you have a lot of time in your itinerary and don't mind the slow pace.
The metro system of Kolkata is the oldest one in India.  1984, can you believe that ? I was in awe with the historical connection. 
And you know the best part? Public transport in this city costs you a dime! 


Eden Garden!

It resonates the vibes of Sachin & Kohli, Dravid & Yuvi; you really have to be here to feel this place ! The feeling is ineffable! The place breathes of cricket and cricket, as everybody knows, flows in every Indian's blood!



The Blue-White City of Chaos through the Windows of Yellow Ambassador.

The theme of Kolkata is blue and white. Except of course the eye-catching yellow ambassador taxis. Unlike Delhi's ubiquitous e-rickshaws, Kolkata's roads are fraught with yellow taxis that remind you of the 80s! I asked one taxi driver if it was profitable driving the taxi in the city and he told me that the taxi fares have been fixed by the government and have not risen for the past 5 years or so and it is an impossible task to earn even two square meals driving the yellow taxi with Ola and Uber eating up the market. He even mentioned about a strike that the yellow taxis did about 3years back to ask for a rise in the fare but the government simply refused to cooperate! 
The traffic in the city is chaotic, this is saying something coming from a Delhite as there is nothing more notorious in Delhi than its traffic, except perhaps the swear words. By chaotic I don't mean that the people don't follow the traffic rules. What I mean is that people immediately halt at the red signal but as soon as the signal turns green, there is a mad rush on road, there are no roundabouts to help slow down the traffic at junctions. I think the traffic policemen should be awarded a nobel prize for handling the traffic in this city !


The dichotomy

There was no dearth of Jaguar, Audi and Merc in the city. But at the same time the sordid state of the poor and the destitute made me feel so miserable. The rich drove on, while the sides of the roads whispered the sorry stories of the underprivileged. And the sight of rickshaw pullers in the city will remind you of the British era  of slavery when the Indians were treated like animals! Unlike the rickshaws in Delhi, they actually pull you instead of riding it. I was reminded of a horse carriage; it really was inhuman!

Howrah Bridge

This beauty!
'Built on the Hooghly river, Howrah bridge is the busiest bridge in the country ... ' I remember reading this somewhere for my geography exam. But it was only after being there, standing on the bridge, did I really feel that the statement is absolutely justified ! It was an indescribable moment standing on it, with the river flowing underneath, the traffic moving non-stop behind me and hundreds of pedestrians walking hither n thither going about their normal routines.
It was a place that gave me goosebumps; I stood there for ages witnessing the concurrence of nature and homo sapiens.

Besides these, in the little time I got to explore, I visited the local market of Esplanade and this marble wonder called Victoria Memorial. I tasted the famous Puchkas and jhal muri.  No offence but I hated them both! I prefer Delhi's Golgappe and bhelpuri. I also got to visit the KaliGhat temple. And I tasted the world-famous Sondesh! I don't have a sweet tooth, I am more of a chaat-lover but trust me, the sweets here were heavenly!
There were a lot many places I wanted to visit but paucity of time wrecked havoc with my plans!


Thank You, Kolkata for the delectable food and all the warmth!

So Long!

Veer Ji Viyohn Chaleya :D

In India, when you hear the word 'wedding' all that comes into mind is food, dance and a hell lot of fun with family!

Let me take you on a tour of the saga that a big, fat Indian wedding is ! This post is not a blog on the rituals of a wedding per se (like band-baajaa-baraat) but a fun post on different categories of people one may come across, the nuisance of irksome relatives and my random observations on anything and everything. 
(N.B. The satirical content may please be taken in good humour as no mockery is anywhere intended. Randomly funny tweets have been inserted to raise the humour content.)

Part - A

Finally the most awaited wedding of the season! :D

It was special because of the following reasons -

1. It brought all of us together, literally and emotionally as a family, as we (mercifully!) left behind our normal routines and gathered to celebrate with our eldest cousin his most special moment. Spending a few days together brings about a lot of intimacy (this is saying something, coming from an emotionally detached person like me!)

2. The marriage was a welcome change as it merged two different cultures. It renewed my faith in humanity as this was an inter-caste marriage that got culminated after a long fight against the social norms. It proved that love can conquer all obstacles and help us rise above petty stuff like caste-ism. There might be 99 differences among us but that one similarity to love and be loved is what that matters the most.

3. Last but the most important reason for ME - the food was just so delicious that I took three servings of everything. (Yeah, I am a shameless foodie :P) It is an impossible task for me to ignore a delectable paneer tikka or a succulent fruit chaat or a spicy tikki or tantalizing noodles or ambrosial manchurian. Just kidding, the other two reasons made it memorable too :D

But every coin has two sides. For every Harry Potter, there is a Lord Voldemort. For every Batman, there is a Joker. And for every good feeling that you have for yourself - 

Part - B

Relatives are real life dementors! Everybody has relatives.  I am also somebody's relative and I am not ashamed to admit that I might be your dementor. But at a wedding, the place is swarming with dementors ! It could be a relative of relative or a friend of relative, the groom's relative or the bride's relative, but I have no qualms about saying this out loud - either with their words, nosy questions or behaviour but koi na koi toh tumhara khoon jala hi dega !

But in general, these are the categories of relatives you are likely to meet at a wedding - 

• Tu to namaste bhi nahi karti

No matter how much you try to escape them, they beat the CBI & FBI and will catch you and accuse you of ignoring them. Desi Liam Neeson!

How to tackle them : There is absolutely no way out. Don se bach sakta hai insaan lekin inse bachna mushkil hi nahi naamumkin hai. Just do a namaste, dude.

• Agla number tera hai.

Shaadi karwaane mei lage rehne wale rishtedaar. Shaadi na ho gayi oxygen ho gayi by God!

These are mostly the elderly relatives who have a knack of emotionally blackmailing a person by continuously hanging this sword - marne se pehle hum apne par-par-par-par-par-par paute dekhna chahte hain (toh isliye tum bakre ban jao aur latak jao shadi ki sooli pe) the bracket part is silent. But this is so NOT fair. When people who have blissfully lived their own lives hang swords on people who are yet to fulfill their own dreams, it sucks real bad. I might appear harsh and heartless here but everybody deserves to live life their own way even if it means defying the wishes of everybody and anybody!

How to tackle them : Just DON'T budge. At any cost. The hell with people.

• Foodie

I belong to this category. :D

These are the people who live for food. All they care about at a wedding is that the food should be mouth-watering, aromatic, lip-smacking and heavenly. Traits of such people are - they lose track of conversation while eating, they become irascible if they don't get tasty food, they are friends with people who appreciate food.

 

How to tackle them : Most probably, such relatives won't disturb you; they'd be too focused on stuffing :P But if they do, their Achilles' heel is F.O.O.D.

• Nitpicker

Such relatives have a problem with everything. No matter how perfect you try to make arrangements for them, they will find faults with everything and criticise you to the core. Haven't you had any encounter with one such person who has the audacity to question every ritual that you do and tell you that you are doing it wrong or that you missed something? I really have never understood their problem. Why can't they just be happy and share our happiness? 

How to tackle them : Ignore them. Big time. And don't go on any guilt trips for doing so. Period.

• Dancers

What is a marriage without any dancing? :D

Dhol is to punjabis as Sachin Tendulkar is to cricket. Enough said.

Now, dancer relatives may have sub-categories! That chachiji stealing the stage with her thumkas or that  mamaji dancing with fervour along with whistles or that foofaji asking everybody to step aside so that he can do his weird dance. :P 

How to tackle them : Well, dance is a shortcut to happiness and happiness mei sabke saare khoon maaf  because everybody deserves to be happy and a wedding is all about happiness :D

• Mud mud ke na dekh

Everywhere you go, you are bound to meet people who think that God gave them eyes so that they can stare shamelessly especially at girls. Openly checking out creeps the hell out of girls, don't do this please! It is offensive, it is scary, it is violating.

I once asked one of male friends about the same. Why do guys stare so much (I am not saying girls don't do it, it is just that girls do it in a subtle manner.) He answered that imagine you're walking down a road and happen to see a beautiful flower. Would you not look at it? Admire it?

I was mind-blown!

People, please don't objectify women! You want to admire the beauty, do it gently in an unobtrusive manner that doesn't make them freak out!

How to tackle them : No idea. :|

• Obnoxiously cool relatives

These are the relatives who are really cool because they dress like a mogul and dance like Madhuri Dixit but somehow their nature is obnoxious ! they are either too arrogant or snobbish or a blowhard or egoistic or a gossip-monger or considers himself/herself to be the best adviser on every topic  !

How to tackle them : Ignore, ignore, ignore!

• Relatives who observe and write a blog about everything

That would be me. :P A narcissist, fun-loving and sarcastic soul :P

How to tackle them: read the blogs and praise a lot :D

Part - C

Dearest Bhaiya,

As I sat watching you taking the vows with your beloved, I couldn't help but remember our childhood days. When we visited you each summer and played from dusk to dawn! There is this particular incident that I remember which says just how sweet a person you are... while you were studying here in Delhi, you visited me once and had gotten Litchi juice for me because you remembered that I love Litchi ! (even though I later told you that I love the fruit and not the juice :P) And even today.. you never forget that I love chocolates and always get me loads #Belgian Chocolates!

You looked one hell of a sight with your gorgeous bride, you are the handsomest groom I have ever seen till now ! You two make a fantastic couple :D May you get loads of happiness and continue to flash your million dollar smile for as many years as the stars in the sky.

Happy Married Life to you two !

God Bless You :)

(Humse hai zamaana sara #the cousin gang :D)

​

Rehne do chhodo bhi jaane do yaar; hum na karenge pyaar :D

Disclaimer : 

a) This post is full of gallows humour. Narrow- minded people who take everything very personally may please refrain from reading this post... for I have no intention of offending anybody in any manner. I am only responsible for what I say and not for what you understand and perceive. 

b) Since the topic is very sensitive and heart-achingly (quite literally!) familiar to all, I would like to say beforehand that this post has very personal opinions as to why I am so averse to everything related to love and I, by no means, intend to preach anybody anything. 

c) The pictures have been inserted hither and thither just to jazz up the humour content of the post.

Apart from tax, there is this one enigma that I absolutely fail to understand - LOVE !

Ever since I gained sense, I have always considered love to be the very essence of our lives. They say that we learn to love even before we are born - as a fetus in the womb, we fall in love with our nurturer. As a kid, we fall in love with the caring eyes, the affectionate faces and the tender hands of our parents. But as we grow up, we tend to distort this beautiful feeling all together! I mean, see, isn't love supposed to be something that lights up your eyes like a blind man seeing sunshine for the first time? Instead, what I have always seen in my friends' eyes are tears! Isn't love supposed to be your sanctuary when your mind searches for solace and peace? But on the contrary, what I find is chaos and stress everywhere I look!

Of course my brother's suspicions could be true that I belong to Pluto, and not Earth, with my own stupid ideologies and beliefs about everything... but I would rather stand by my gobbledygook that to love means to slowly break down a person's walls without him/her noticing and then rebuilding them with windows to let the sunshine in, than accept what my eyes show me all around - darkness and depression because of love. So it's either me or there is something grossly wrong with the way people interpret love.

Before you declare me to be an alien from Pluto, I would like to first substantiate my basis of enunciating the above statements with the instances of love I have seen in 24 years of my existence in this universe -

1. The Fri-end Love

This is the love that begins on Monday and ends by Friday. The weekend is for recuperating with loads of booze/ ice cream. The next week, of course, brings a new story. Each Monday is an inception and each Friday is a breakup.

I remember wasting my chocolates for cheering up one such friend. I saw her crying her eyes out over her recent breakup (it was Friday) and offered her chocolates out of humanity. She had them all. She was seen with a new guy on Monday.

Lesson learnt : Never waste your chocolates on anybody. EVER. Eat them all by yourself.

2. The K K K Kiran Love

The obsessive love. While it evokes outrageous amount of passion in one party, for the other it is absolutely nightmarish! Kindly remember that there is always a Sunny Deol with his dhaai kilo ka haath, protecting his Kiran and that SRK dies in the end, before venturing into obsessive kind of love.

Query : What is the point of such an infatuation? You can never force anybody to love you, can you? Unless you can brew a love potion. But even in that case, you risk creating Lord Voldemort.

3. The Ex Parte Love

The one-sided-love. Another category of troublesome love, one sided love often enkindles unrealistic expectations in the party in question. The other party, usually uninterested, is caught unawares by surprise gifts and flowers and messages dedicated to them.

The consequences of this kind of love range from pitiful friend-zoning to dangerous 'wo meri nahi hogi to kisi aur ki bhi nahi hogi' psyche resulting in blackmails, acid attacks or kidnapping or sometimes gruesome murders.

Query : Again, you cannot chain anybody and make them love you... what then is the point of expending all your energy at a place where one gets no reciprocation? Personally, I believe that what's yours comes to you no matter what and what is not meant to be yours is not going to stay with you no matter what! doesn't that make running after a person, who doesn't give a damn to your existence, totally futile?

4. The 'It happens only in India' Love

This has 2 dimensions -

a) Religion

Interfaith love has no unconditional acceptance in India. Period. I have read countless cases in the newspaper and have seen numerous movies on the same theme. Either or both the parties are shunned by their families for sake of religion. What I have always failed to understand is that every religion propagates love and in no religion does God ever utter a single syllable about killing one another in the name of religion... who, then, are human beings to kill His creations in the name of religion? This issue is so deep rooted and misunderstood and sensitive that I am afraid of deviating from the theme of this post if I delve further into this!

b) Caste

Another mystery I have never been able to decode. My own friends have been a victim of this and I don't even have the heart to touch upon the pain and misery it brings.

Query: Seriously, just one question - would you want your daughter/sister to be with a Hindu guy who indulges in domestic violence or a Muslim guy who keeps her happy? How does being with someone of the same caste guarantee happiness in any way?

5. The I-don't-walk-my-talk Love

People who promise the moon and the stars on paper and in face of even a slight adversity, jilt you in the middle of a landfill that leaves you stinking for a lifetime!

Lesson learnt : This, honestly, appears to be the worst form of relationship to me. It would leave you scarred not just as a lover but as a human being in general as it shakes one's faith in humanity.

6. The Gay Love

This is just to raise the humour quotient in this post :P

Imagine walking down the lanes of your campus with your male buddy expecting a 'I like you' at the very least. Instead, what you hear him saying is "I am gay and I like your brother"! :D

N.B : No offence intended.

7. The Infidelity-Apology-Pendulum Love

This is the most common love in DU ! I had tons of friends who had steady girlfriends somewhere and they would leave no chance of a fling with random girls they happen to meet anywhere!

Now, there can be two possibilities -

a) The steady girlfriend remains in dark about the flings.

b) The steady girlfriend somehow finds out about the flings and breaks up.

Possibility 'a' is a far-fetched theoretical situation because girls have uncanny abilities to find out everything. So ultimately, we arrive at possibility 'b' and now begins the circle of breakup followed by constant apologies and requests for patch-up. The steady girlfriend usually agrees out of past feelings. Things get better. The guy gets complacent and succumbs to temptation of flings again. Hence the nomenclature 'Pendulum'. Please note that girls too fall in the trap of flings and by no means, do I wish to imply here that this category is for boys alone.

Query : Why does the need for flings arise when you already are in love with somebody? I mean, logically, there can be only one inference of flings that you are not happy with the one you are with! So why the fake drama of commitment? It is like person has two separate needs of love and lust. For love, there is one steady relationship and for lust, there are numerous flings!

8. The No means Yes Love

It may be a subset of category#2 or #3. It is the kind of love in which one party constantly declines the offer in every possible manner but the other party is adamant in a very filmy way and has a topsy-turvy lexicon which says no means yes. I, personally, find this category, which is generally seen among boys, to be funny in an absolutely pathetic way. Why? Because I have seen my friends literally kowtowing to the person, who isn't remotely interested in them. 

My advice : Buy a new dictionary from here.

9. The 'Use Me as a Doormat' love

I will try to illustrate this in a very practical way. Did you have that geeky topper friend in college who was suddenly seen teaching/helping in practical files/completing assignments of the hottest girl in the class during the exam season? Well, I am going to let the cat out of the bag (sorry, girls!) - I have heard my female friends talking in the girls' room about how the geek was infatuated with them and would readily do anything just to talk to them. So they brutally ignore him the whole year... during the exam season, a little flirtatious smile does the trick and voila, they have all the notes and assignments and important questions lent to them by the geek. I feel sorry for the poor geek who, despite being the brightest and smartest in the class, gets fooled again and again, under the impression that those smiles genuinely mean something.

Query  : I am confused between the essential character of this category of love - is it the geeks's foolishness or the self-centeredness of the girl? 

 

(Geeks would understand this Rubik's Cube meme:P)

10. The 'Father of the Nation' Love
Well, the only place I like Mahatma Gandhi is on a currency note so when I say Father of the Nation, I mean money. 
This category of love is based purely on pecuniary interests. It is generally dominated by girls. Haven't you had any friend whose girlfriend left him for a richer guy? Or who was abandoned because he didn't gift her a brand new Iphone for her birthday? 
Query : I am a little confused. They do have a point though. I mean, people who claim love is more important than money... do they pay their bills with a hug?! But still, I personally feel that money can buy you a dog but you need love to make it wag its tail at you. 

11. The  Transitive Love
Remember that boring chapter in Maths - sets and relations? So, there was this category of relations called transitive relations. Simply put, if a>b, b>c then a>c. While this might hold true in the world of mathematics, it is impossible to be transitive in real life relations without involving a lot of pain for more than one person! A loves B, B loves C, C loves D and D loves A. Imagine the kind of pain and longing each of these four persons suffer when they see that the one they love doesn't love them back.   
This category of relationship has inspired a lot of Bollywood movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Dil toh Pagal hai etc but most of them end up being a love triangle and eventually the hero gets to be with his happily-ever-after. Sadly, life is not a movie!
My Advice : Never fall in love with a person who loves somebody else already. EVER.

12. The 'My parents want to marry you' Love
Well, this is India-specific relationship. The boy (or girl) stays in a relationship for a number of years and then suddenly his (her) mother rejects her (or him) for some silly reason like complexion\ height\job\amount of adipose tissue\shape of nose\too crazy about harry potter etc and the boy breaks up even before one can utter WTF! 
This category reminds me of Chetan Bhagat's 2 States... the boy loves the girl...the girl loves the boy...  the girl's family has to love the boy... the boy's family has to love the girl... boy's family has to love the girl's family...the girl's family has to love the boy's family... and in the process, if there is still any love left between the boy and the girl, they get married !

Query : seriously, does your mother have to live with him\her for a lifetime or you? Your parents already have each other and now it is not their but your life partner that you have to choose for heaven's sake!
(Also, in my personal opinion, If you find someone who is just as crazy about Harry Potter as you are, marry him\her without further ado ! :D )


13. The Dominating Love

Easy, fans of Fifty Shades (there are fans of this book?! Whoa.), I mean dominating in the normal way! The category where the person with deeper, more intense feelings is dominated by the other one who is aware of the fact that he/she has an upper hand because of vulnerability of the partner so he/she constantly hangs this axe of  'I am breaking up with you' on his/her partner and always has his/her way by emotional blackmail!

Query : I don't know if this 'coercion' even qualifies as love...I mean, this self- righteousness, is this even love? How long can anybody sustain such an emotionally draining relationship? And Why?

Of course, I understand that this is entirely an abstract concept and is subject to personal opinions... because you cannot control anybody's free will, that's the thumb rule when it comes to human psyche. And then there is another factor of looks! People are often deceived by looks... Cupid, they say, is blind! and by the time they realise that they bought silver misconstruing it to be platinum, they are already in the middle of relationship and getting out of it is a painful business for both the parties.

In the end, I am left as baffled by this mystery of what/how/why/where of love as I was before writing this post and wholeheartedly support all my friends' prophecies about how I am going to die single because my mathematics says alone > wrong.

But I can safely infer that love is congruous to CA Final -

• There is a lot of input involved. When I say a lot, I mean to say backbreaking, extremely arduous, involving sleep deprivation and nervous breakdown,  totally frustrating, mentally draining kind of effort. (Love totally requires painstaking effort)

• Your effort won't guarantee that you'd understand what the situation demands. (Who can understand why boys go nuts over shapes and sizes? And honestly, has anyone of you ever understood how a girl's mind works?)

• There is always a possibility of all your input going waste because of some amendment. (boyfriend, girlfriend and Wo! you can never know when a third person enters and ruins everything that you have created so far.)

• You might put as much input as you are capable of and still the output remains as uncertain and elusive as the identity of batman is for the people of Gotham City. (Are we ever sure of matters of the heart?)

Anybody who has answers to my queries may please comment in the comment-section!

Yours sincerely

Agony Aunt :P