In India, when you hear the word 'wedding' all that comes into mind is food, dance and a hell lot of fun with family!
Let me take you on a tour of the saga that a big, fat Indian wedding is ! This post is not a blog on the rituals of a wedding per se (like band-baajaa-baraat) but a fun post on different categories of people one may come across, the nuisance of irksome relatives and my random observations on anything and everything.
(N.B. The satirical content may please be taken in good humour as no mockery is anywhere intended. Randomly funny tweets have been inserted to raise the humour content.)
Part - A
It was special because of the following reasons -
1. It brought all of us together, literally and emotionally as a family, as we (mercifully!) left behind our normal routines and gathered to celebrate with our eldest cousin his most special moment. Spending a few days together brings about a lot of intimacy (this is saying something, coming from an emotionally detached person like me!)
2. The marriage was a welcome change as it merged two different cultures. It renewed my faith in humanity as this was an inter-caste marriage that got culminated after a long fight against the social norms. It proved that love can conquer all obstacles and help us rise above petty stuff like caste-ism. There might be 99 differences among us but that one similarity to love and be loved is what that matters the most.
3. Last but the most important reason for ME - the food was just so delicious that I took three servings of everything. (Yeah, I am a shameless foodie :P) It is an impossible task for me to ignore a delectable paneer tikka or a succulent fruit chaat or a spicy tikki or tantalizing noodles or ambrosial manchurian. Just kidding, the other two reasons made it memorable too :D
But every coin has two sides. For every Harry Potter, there is a Lord Voldemort. For every Batman, there is a Joker. And for every good feeling that you have for yourself -
Part - B
Relatives are real life dementors! Everybody has relatives. I am also somebody's relative and I am not ashamed to admit that I might be your dementor. But at a wedding, the place is swarming with dementors ! It could be a relative of relative or a friend of relative, the groom's relative or the bride's relative, but I have no qualms about saying this out loud - either with their words, nosy questions or behaviour but koi na koi toh tumhara khoon jala hi dega !
But in general, these are the categories of relatives you are likely to meet at a wedding -
- Tu to namaste bhi nahi karti
No matter how much you try to escape them, they beat the CBI & FBI and will catch you and accuse you of ignoring them. Desi Liam Neeson!
How to tackle them : There is absolutely no way out. Don se bach sakta hai insaan lekin inse bachna mushkil hi nahi naamumkin hai. Just do a namaste, dude.
- Agla number tera hai.
Shaadi karwaane mei lage rehne wale rishtedaar. Shaadi na ho gayi oxygen ho gayi by God!
These are mostly the elderly relatives who have a knack of emotionally blackmailing a person by continuously hanging this sword - marne se pehle hum apne par-par-par-par-par-par paute dekhna chahte hain (toh isliye tum bakre ban jao aur latak jao shadi ki sooli pe) the bracket part is silent. But this is so NOT fair. When people who have blissfully lived their own lives hang swords on people who are yet to fulfill their own dreams, it sucks real bad. I might appear harsh and heartless here but everybody deserves to live life their own way even if it means defying the wishes of everybody and anybody!
How to tackle them : Just DON'T budge. At any cost. The hell with people.
- Foodie
I belong to this category. :D
These are the people who live for food. All they care about at a wedding is that the food should be mouth-watering, aromatic, lip-smacking and heavenly. Traits of such people are - they lose track of conversation while eating, they become irascible if they don't get tasty food, they are friends with people who appreciate food.
How to tackle them : Most probably, such relatives won't disturb you; they'd be too focused on stuffing :P But if they do, their Achilles' heel is F.O.O.D.
- Nitpicker
Such relatives have a problem with everything. No matter how perfect you try to make arrangements for them, they will find faults with everything and criticise you to the core. Haven't you had any encounter with one such person who has the audacity to question every ritual that you do and tell you that you are doing it wrong or that you missed something? I really have never understood their problem. Why can't they just be happy and share our happiness?
How to tackle them : Ignore them. Big time. And don't go on any guilt trips for doing so. Period.
- Dancers
What is a marriage without any dancing? :D
Dhol is to punjabis as Sachin Tendulkar is to cricket. Enough said.
Now, dancer relatives may have sub-categories! That chachiji stealing the stage with her thumkas or that mamaji dancing with fervour along with whistles or that foofaji asking everybody to step aside so that he can do his weird dance. :P
How to tackle them : Well, dance is a shortcut to happiness and happiness mei sabke saare khoon maaf because everybody deserves to be happy and a wedding is all about happiness :D
- Mud mud ke na dekh
Everywhere you go, you are bound to meet people who think that God gave them eyes so that they can stare shamelessly especially at girls. Openly checking out creeps the hell out of girls, don't do this please! It is offensive, it is scary, it is violating.
I once asked one of male friends about the same. Why do guys stare so much (I am not saying girls don't do it, it is just that girls do it in a subtle manner.) He answered that imagine you're walking down a road and happen to see a beautiful flower. Would you not look at it? Admire it?
I was mind-blown!
People, please don't objectify women! You want to admire the beauty, do it gently in an unobtrusive manner that doesn't make them freak out!
How to tackle them : No idea. :|
- Obnoxiously cool relatives
These are the relatives who are really cool because they dress like a mogul and dance like Madhuri Dixit but somehow their nature is obnoxious ! they are either too arrogant or snobbish or a blowhard or egoistic or a gossip-monger or considers himself/herself to be the best adviser on every topic !
How to tackle them : Ignore, ignore, ignore!
- Relatives who observe and write a blog about everything
That would be me. :P A narcissist, fun-loving and sarcastic soul :P
How to tackle them: read the blogs and praise a lot :D
Part - C
Dearest Bhaiya,
As I sat watching you taking the vows with your beloved, I couldn't help but remember our childhood days. When we visited you each summer and played from dusk to dawn! There is this particular incident that I remember which says just how sweet a person you are... while you were studying here in Delhi, you visited me once and had gotten Litchi juice for me because you remembered that I love Litchi ! (even though I later told you that I love the fruit and not the juice :P) And even today.. you never forget that I love chocolates and always get me loads #Belgian Chocolates!
You looked one hell of a sight with your gorgeous bride, you are the handsomest groom I have ever seen till now ! You two make a fantastic couple :D May you get loads of happiness and continue to flash your million dollar smile for as many years as the stars in the sky.
Happy Married Life to you two !
God Bless You :)
(Humse hai zamaana sara #the cousin gang :D)
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