Veer Ji Viyohn Chaleya :D

In India, when you hear the word 'wedding' all that comes into mind is food, dance and a hell lot of fun with family!

Let me take you on a tour of the saga that a big, fat Indian wedding is ! This post is not a blog on the rituals of a wedding per se (like band-baajaa-baraat) but a fun post on different categories of people one may come across, the nuisance of irksome relatives and my random observations on anything and everything. 
(N.B. The satirical content may please be taken in good humour as no mockery is anywhere intended. Randomly funny tweets have been inserted to raise the humour content.)

Part - A

Finally the most awaited wedding of the season! :D

It was special because of the following reasons -

1. It brought all of us together, literally and emotionally as a family, as we (mercifully!) left behind our normal routines and gathered to celebrate with our eldest cousin his most special moment. Spending a few days together brings about a lot of intimacy (this is saying something, coming from an emotionally detached person like me!)

2. The marriage was a welcome change as it merged two different cultures. It renewed my faith in humanity as this was an inter-caste marriage that got culminated after a long fight against the social norms. It proved that love can conquer all obstacles and help us rise above petty stuff like caste-ism. There might be 99 differences among us but that one similarity to love and be loved is what that matters the most.

3. Last but the most important reason for ME - the food was just so delicious that I took three servings of everything. (Yeah, I am a shameless foodie :P) It is an impossible task for me to ignore a delectable paneer tikka or a succulent fruit chaat or a spicy tikki or tantalizing noodles or ambrosial manchurian. Just kidding, the other two reasons made it memorable too :D

But every coin has two sides. For every Harry Potter, there is a Lord Voldemort. For every Batman, there is a Joker. And for every good feeling that you have for yourself - 

Part - B

Relatives are real life dementors! Everybody has relatives.  I am also somebody's relative and I am not ashamed to admit that I might be your dementor. But at a wedding, the place is swarming with dementors ! It could be a relative of relative or a friend of relative, the groom's relative or the bride's relative, but I have no qualms about saying this out loud - either with their words, nosy questions or behaviour but koi na koi toh tumhara khoon jala hi dega !

But in general, these are the categories of relatives you are likely to meet at a wedding - 

• Tu to namaste bhi nahi karti

No matter how much you try to escape them, they beat the CBI & FBI and will catch you and accuse you of ignoring them. Desi Liam Neeson!

How to tackle them : There is absolutely no way out. Don se bach sakta hai insaan lekin inse bachna mushkil hi nahi naamumkin hai. Just do a namaste, dude.

• Agla number tera hai.

Shaadi karwaane mei lage rehne wale rishtedaar. Shaadi na ho gayi oxygen ho gayi by God!

These are mostly the elderly relatives who have a knack of emotionally blackmailing a person by continuously hanging this sword - marne se pehle hum apne par-par-par-par-par-par paute dekhna chahte hain (toh isliye tum bakre ban jao aur latak jao shadi ki sooli pe) the bracket part is silent. But this is so NOT fair. When people who have blissfully lived their own lives hang swords on people who are yet to fulfill their own dreams, it sucks real bad. I might appear harsh and heartless here but everybody deserves to live life their own way even if it means defying the wishes of everybody and anybody!

How to tackle them : Just DON'T budge. At any cost. The hell with people.

• Foodie

I belong to this category. :D

These are the people who live for food. All they care about at a wedding is that the food should be mouth-watering, aromatic, lip-smacking and heavenly. Traits of such people are - they lose track of conversation while eating, they become irascible if they don't get tasty food, they are friends with people who appreciate food.

 

How to tackle them : Most probably, such relatives won't disturb you; they'd be too focused on stuffing :P But if they do, their Achilles' heel is F.O.O.D.

• Nitpicker

Such relatives have a problem with everything. No matter how perfect you try to make arrangements for them, they will find faults with everything and criticise you to the core. Haven't you had any encounter with one such person who has the audacity to question every ritual that you do and tell you that you are doing it wrong or that you missed something? I really have never understood their problem. Why can't they just be happy and share our happiness? 

How to tackle them : Ignore them. Big time. And don't go on any guilt trips for doing so. Period.

• Dancers

What is a marriage without any dancing? :D

Dhol is to punjabis as Sachin Tendulkar is to cricket. Enough said.

Now, dancer relatives may have sub-categories! That chachiji stealing the stage with her thumkas or that  mamaji dancing with fervour along with whistles or that foofaji asking everybody to step aside so that he can do his weird dance. :P 

How to tackle them : Well, dance is a shortcut to happiness and happiness mei sabke saare khoon maaf  because everybody deserves to be happy and a wedding is all about happiness :D

• Mud mud ke na dekh

Everywhere you go, you are bound to meet people who think that God gave them eyes so that they can stare shamelessly especially at girls. Openly checking out creeps the hell out of girls, don't do this please! It is offensive, it is scary, it is violating.

I once asked one of male friends about the same. Why do guys stare so much (I am not saying girls don't do it, it is just that girls do it in a subtle manner.) He answered that imagine you're walking down a road and happen to see a beautiful flower. Would you not look at it? Admire it?

I was mind-blown!

People, please don't objectify women! You want to admire the beauty, do it gently in an unobtrusive manner that doesn't make them freak out!

How to tackle them : No idea. :|

• Obnoxiously cool relatives

These are the relatives who are really cool because they dress like a mogul and dance like Madhuri Dixit but somehow their nature is obnoxious ! they are either too arrogant or snobbish or a blowhard or egoistic or a gossip-monger or considers himself/herself to be the best adviser on every topic  !

How to tackle them : Ignore, ignore, ignore!

• Relatives who observe and write a blog about everything

That would be me. :P A narcissist, fun-loving and sarcastic soul :P

How to tackle them: read the blogs and praise a lot :D

Part - C

Dearest Bhaiya,

As I sat watching you taking the vows with your beloved, I couldn't help but remember our childhood days. When we visited you each summer and played from dusk to dawn! There is this particular incident that I remember which says just how sweet a person you are... while you were studying here in Delhi, you visited me once and had gotten Litchi juice for me because you remembered that I love Litchi ! (even though I later told you that I love the fruit and not the juice :P) And even today.. you never forget that I love chocolates and always get me loads #Belgian Chocolates!

You looked one hell of a sight with your gorgeous bride, you are the handsomest groom I have ever seen till now ! You two make a fantastic couple :D May you get loads of happiness and continue to flash your million dollar smile for as many years as the stars in the sky.

Happy Married Life to you two !

God Bless You :)

(Humse hai zamaana sara #the cousin gang :D)

​

Rehne do chhodo bhi jaane do yaar; hum na karenge pyaar :D

Disclaimer : 

a) This post is full of gallows humour. Narrow- minded people who take everything very personally may please refrain from reading this post... for I have no intention of offending anybody in any manner. I am only responsible for what I say and not for what you understand and perceive. 

b) Since the topic is very sensitive and heart-achingly (quite literally!) familiar to all, I would like to say beforehand that this post has very personal opinions as to why I am so averse to everything related to love and I, by no means, intend to preach anybody anything. 

c) The pictures have been inserted hither and thither just to jazz up the humour content of the post.

Apart from tax, there is this one enigma that I absolutely fail to understand - LOVE !

Ever since I gained sense, I have always considered love to be the very essence of our lives. They say that we learn to love even before we are born - as a fetus in the womb, we fall in love with our nurturer. As a kid, we fall in love with the caring eyes, the affectionate faces and the tender hands of our parents. But as we grow up, we tend to distort this beautiful feeling all together! I mean, see, isn't love supposed to be something that lights up your eyes like a blind man seeing sunshine for the first time? Instead, what I have always seen in my friends' eyes are tears! Isn't love supposed to be your sanctuary when your mind searches for solace and peace? But on the contrary, what I find is chaos and stress everywhere I look!

Of course my brother's suspicions could be true that I belong to Pluto, and not Earth, with my own stupid ideologies and beliefs about everything... but I would rather stand by my gobbledygook that to love means to slowly break down a person's walls without him/her noticing and then rebuilding them with windows to let the sunshine in, than accept what my eyes show me all around - darkness and depression because of love. So it's either me or there is something grossly wrong with the way people interpret love.

Before you declare me to be an alien from Pluto, I would like to first substantiate my basis of enunciating the above statements with the instances of love I have seen in 24 years of my existence in this universe -

1. The Fri-end Love

This is the love that begins on Monday and ends by Friday. The weekend is for recuperating with loads of booze/ ice cream. The next week, of course, brings a new story. Each Monday is an inception and each Friday is a breakup.

I remember wasting my chocolates for cheering up one such friend. I saw her crying her eyes out over her recent breakup (it was Friday) and offered her chocolates out of humanity. She had them all. She was seen with a new guy on Monday.

Lesson learnt : Never waste your chocolates on anybody. EVER. Eat them all by yourself.

2. The K K K Kiran Love

The obsessive love. While it evokes outrageous amount of passion in one party, for the other it is absolutely nightmarish! Kindly remember that there is always a Sunny Deol with his dhaai kilo ka haath, protecting his Kiran and that SRK dies in the end, before venturing into obsessive kind of love.

Query : What is the point of such an infatuation? You can never force anybody to love you, can you? Unless you can brew a love potion. But even in that case, you risk creating Lord Voldemort.

3. The Ex Parte Love

The one-sided-love. Another category of troublesome love, one sided love often enkindles unrealistic expectations in the party in question. The other party, usually uninterested, is caught unawares by surprise gifts and flowers and messages dedicated to them.

The consequences of this kind of love range from pitiful friend-zoning to dangerous 'wo meri nahi hogi to kisi aur ki bhi nahi hogi' psyche resulting in blackmails, acid attacks or kidnapping or sometimes gruesome murders.

Query : Again, you cannot chain anybody and make them love you... what then is the point of expending all your energy at a place where one gets no reciprocation? Personally, I believe that what's yours comes to you no matter what and what is not meant to be yours is not going to stay with you no matter what! doesn't that make running after a person, who doesn't give a damn to your existence, totally futile?

4. The 'It happens only in India' Love

This has 2 dimensions -

a) Religion

Interfaith love has no unconditional acceptance in India. Period. I have read countless cases in the newspaper and have seen numerous movies on the same theme. Either or both the parties are shunned by their families for sake of religion. What I have always failed to understand is that every religion propagates love and in no religion does God ever utter a single syllable about killing one another in the name of religion... who, then, are human beings to kill His creations in the name of religion? This issue is so deep rooted and misunderstood and sensitive that I am afraid of deviating from the theme of this post if I delve further into this!

b) Caste

Another mystery I have never been able to decode. My own friends have been a victim of this and I don't even have the heart to touch upon the pain and misery it brings.

Query: Seriously, just one question - would you want your daughter/sister to be with a Hindu guy who indulges in domestic violence or a Muslim guy who keeps her happy? How does being with someone of the same caste guarantee happiness in any way?

5. The I-don't-walk-my-talk Love

People who promise the moon and the stars on paper and in face of even a slight adversity, jilt you in the middle of a landfill that leaves you stinking for a lifetime!

Lesson learnt : This, honestly, appears to be the worst form of relationship to me. It would leave you scarred not just as a lover but as a human being in general as it shakes one's faith in humanity.

6. The Gay Love

This is just to raise the humour quotient in this post :P

Imagine walking down the lanes of your campus with your male buddy expecting a 'I like you' at the very least. Instead, what you hear him saying is "I am gay and I like your brother"! :D

N.B : No offence intended.

7. The Infidelity-Apology-Pendulum Love

This is the most common love in DU ! I had tons of friends who had steady girlfriends somewhere and they would leave no chance of a fling with random girls they happen to meet anywhere!

Now, there can be two possibilities -

a) The steady girlfriend remains in dark about the flings.

b) The steady girlfriend somehow finds out about the flings and breaks up.

Possibility 'a' is a far-fetched theoretical situation because girls have uncanny abilities to find out everything. So ultimately, we arrive at possibility 'b' and now begins the circle of breakup followed by constant apologies and requests for patch-up. The steady girlfriend usually agrees out of past feelings. Things get better. The guy gets complacent and succumbs to temptation of flings again. Hence the nomenclature 'Pendulum'. Please note that girls too fall in the trap of flings and by no means, do I wish to imply here that this category is for boys alone.

Query : Why does the need for flings arise when you already are in love with somebody? I mean, logically, there can be only one inference of flings that you are not happy with the one you are with! So why the fake drama of commitment? It is like person has two separate needs of love and lust. For love, there is one steady relationship and for lust, there are numerous flings!

8. The No means Yes Love

It may be a subset of category#2 or #3. It is the kind of love in which one party constantly declines the offer in every possible manner but the other party is adamant in a very filmy way and has a topsy-turvy lexicon which says no means yes. I, personally, find this category, which is generally seen among boys, to be funny in an absolutely pathetic way. Why? Because I have seen my friends literally kowtowing to the person, who isn't remotely interested in them. 

My advice : Buy a new dictionary from here.

9. The 'Use Me as a Doormat' love

I will try to illustrate this in a very practical way. Did you have that geeky topper friend in college who was suddenly seen teaching/helping in practical files/completing assignments of the hottest girl in the class during the exam season? Well, I am going to let the cat out of the bag (sorry, girls!) - I have heard my female friends talking in the girls' room about how the geek was infatuated with them and would readily do anything just to talk to them. So they brutally ignore him the whole year... during the exam season, a little flirtatious smile does the trick and voila, they have all the notes and assignments and important questions lent to them by the geek. I feel sorry for the poor geek who, despite being the brightest and smartest in the class, gets fooled again and again, under the impression that those smiles genuinely mean something.

Query  : I am confused between the essential character of this category of love - is it the geeks's foolishness or the self-centeredness of the girl? 

 

(Geeks would understand this Rubik's Cube meme:P)

10. The 'Father of the Nation' Love
Well, the only place I like Mahatma Gandhi is on a currency note so when I say Father of the Nation, I mean money. 
This category of love is based purely on pecuniary interests. It is generally dominated by girls. Haven't you had any friend whose girlfriend left him for a richer guy? Or who was abandoned because he didn't gift her a brand new Iphone for her birthday? 
Query : I am a little confused. They do have a point though. I mean, people who claim love is more important than money... do they pay their bills with a hug?! But still, I personally feel that money can buy you a dog but you need love to make it wag its tail at you. 

11. The  Transitive Love
Remember that boring chapter in Maths - sets and relations? So, there was this category of relations called transitive relations. Simply put, if a>b, b>c then a>c. While this might hold true in the world of mathematics, it is impossible to be transitive in real life relations without involving a lot of pain for more than one person! A loves B, B loves C, C loves D and D loves A. Imagine the kind of pain and longing each of these four persons suffer when they see that the one they love doesn't love them back.   
This category of relationship has inspired a lot of Bollywood movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Dil toh Pagal hai etc but most of them end up being a love triangle and eventually the hero gets to be with his happily-ever-after. Sadly, life is not a movie!
My Advice : Never fall in love with a person who loves somebody else already. EVER.

12. The 'My parents want to marry you' Love
Well, this is India-specific relationship. The boy (or girl) stays in a relationship for a number of years and then suddenly his (her) mother rejects her (or him) for some silly reason like complexion\ height\job\amount of adipose tissue\shape of nose\too crazy about harry potter etc and the boy breaks up even before one can utter WTF! 
This category reminds me of Chetan Bhagat's 2 States... the boy loves the girl...the girl loves the boy...  the girl's family has to love the boy... the boy's family has to love the girl... boy's family has to love the girl's family...the girl's family has to love the boy's family... and in the process, if there is still any love left between the boy and the girl, they get married !

Query : seriously, does your mother have to live with him\her for a lifetime or you? Your parents already have each other and now it is not their but your life partner that you have to choose for heaven's sake!
(Also, in my personal opinion, If you find someone who is just as crazy about Harry Potter as you are, marry him\her without further ado ! :D )


13. The Dominating Love

Easy, fans of Fifty Shades (there are fans of this book?! Whoa.), I mean dominating in the normal way! The category where the person with deeper, more intense feelings is dominated by the other one who is aware of the fact that he/she has an upper hand because of vulnerability of the partner so he/she constantly hangs this axe of  'I am breaking up with you' on his/her partner and always has his/her way by emotional blackmail!

Query : I don't know if this 'coercion' even qualifies as love...I mean, this self- righteousness, is this even love? How long can anybody sustain such an emotionally draining relationship? And Why?

Of course, I understand that this is entirely an abstract concept and is subject to personal opinions... because you cannot control anybody's free will, that's the thumb rule when it comes to human psyche. And then there is another factor of looks! People are often deceived by looks... Cupid, they say, is blind! and by the time they realise that they bought silver misconstruing it to be platinum, they are already in the middle of relationship and getting out of it is a painful business for both the parties.

In the end, I am left as baffled by this mystery of what/how/why/where of love as I was before writing this post and wholeheartedly support all my friends' prophecies about how I am going to die single because my mathematics says alone > wrong.

But I can safely infer that love is congruous to CA Final -

• There is a lot of input involved. When I say a lot, I mean to say backbreaking, extremely arduous, involving sleep deprivation and nervous breakdown,  totally frustrating, mentally draining kind of effort. (Love totally requires painstaking effort)

• Your effort won't guarantee that you'd understand what the situation demands. (Who can understand why boys go nuts over shapes and sizes? And honestly, has anyone of you ever understood how a girl's mind works?)

• There is always a possibility of all your input going waste because of some amendment. (boyfriend, girlfriend and Wo! you can never know when a third person enters and ruins everything that you have created so far.)

• You might put as much input as you are capable of and still the output remains as uncertain and elusive as the identity of batman is for the people of Gotham City. (Are we ever sure of matters of the heart?)

Anybody who has answers to my queries may please comment in the comment-section!

Yours sincerely

Agony Aunt :P

इबारत रेत पर - My Odyssey with the Sand Dunes.

The truth is, most of us discover where we are heading when we arrive.

This pretty much sums up my journey to ' The Golden City' - Jaisalmer. 

As I type this, the melodious folk music of the city echoes in my ears, the aroma of the delectable dishes of Rajasthani food tickles my olfactory senses and taste buds simultaneously, my eyes are still getting accustomed to absence of sand dunes, my bare feet crave for the touch of cool sand again; Jaisalmer is truly a miniature India in itself.

After planning for weeks and weeks, I found myself amidst the vast stretch of Thar Desert. It was a mind - boggling sight ; from east to west and north to south, each mm of the surface of earth was blanketed with golden yellow sand. Away from the hustle bustle of the metropolitan cities, Jaisalmer is a place to unwind your chaotic mind, open up your restrained heart, rediscover your lost soul. Believe me, it will silence you to the core.

Here is the glimpse of my trip captured in pictures and videos (Apologising beforehand for the low quality - blogspot permits only a 100MB video so I had to compress 250MB to 100MB which ruined the quality of the video!) :-

Sand, Surbhi & Solace

If I sound philosophical it is because the natural beauty that the place has been bestowed with, has broadened my horizon - I was left in awe with the sheer vastness of the desert, the grit of people who manage the tough life in a place that hardly has any vegetation and water, the brilliance of flora and fauna adjusting to the extreme temperatures of the place.

And you just CANNOT miss the sunset and sunrise here... when the sun rays kiss the horizon of earth enveloping everything in a golden-orange glow, your contented soul calls out to the heavens upon witnessing the picturesque sight - Oh My God, why were I missing this beauty for so long?

I feel the need... the need for speed.

If I am giving an impression of a forlorn traveller looking for spiritual stuff and peace, then I would like to clarify that Jaisalmer has a complete recipe for adrenaline rush. The desert safari. Round and round the Thar desert, the jeep ride is a must-to-do if you visit Jaisalmer. Trust me, the fierce rush of wind on your face during the bumpy, sandy ride will leave you invigorated. It will give you a high that no ecstasy can ever manage. It was an ineffable feeling, it can only be felt and can never be described in words! You got to do it to know what it is! 

  notice how the speed blurred the picture? 

The Rajasthani Thali

My father had specifically asked me not to miss the Rajasthani Thali at any cost. And he was right! With 32 items (31 items listed in the menu plus chhaachh) on a single plate, it is a dish you ought to try.

Camel Safari

Camel Ride is another attraction that you simply can't miss when in Jaisalmer. Moving at a slow pace that suits you or a camel race, you can choose your own way to experience and enjoy the tranquillity of desert.
It was my first time on a camel and I am not ashamed to admit that I was scared all the time that I was going to fall flat on my face especially when the camel was rising and sitting down! I was reminded of my niece's words "camel bahot jhoola jaisa hota hai!" as I held on tightly to the harness. Nevertheless, it was one helluva amazing experience and I am going to cherish it till I die!

Tannot Maata Mandir & the Laungewala Border

Again, my dear father had added this in the checklist of 'things to do and places to visit in Jaisalmer'.
Historically, this place is famous because the Pakistanis tried to bomb the temple during the Indo-Pak war of 1965 but none of the bombs exploded in the vicinity. The place was also shown in my all time favourite movie - Border. The un-exploded bombs are still kept in the museum. The temple is now managed by the BSF.
The place gave me a queer mixture of feelings - faith plus patriotism plus pride.

Laungewala Border is yet another place one just cannot miss. They show you a short movie of 20mins that enlightens you about how our valiant soldiers saved our country from the invasion of the enemies.
The destroyed Pakistani tanks are still at display. Here, have a look - 

The Impromptu Visit to Ajmer Sharif

Ajmer Sharif is a place that needs no introduction. It is an epitome of faith. Forgive my naivety, I have little knowledge of Islam but I was left stupefied with wonder upon seeing thousands of people bowing down for the namaaz in unison. You understand why every movie star visits the dargah  before release of his/her movie once you visit the place - the power of faith is palpable, the air itself smells of sanctity and devotion.
Talking about taking a leap of faith; more than the place, it was the way I visited Ajmer that needs to be mentioned here. We were on our way back to Delhi after spending 4 wonderful days in Jaisalmer. 30mins to the station of Ajmer and suddenly everybody decided to get down at Ajmer. We packed our stuff and jumped off at the station just like that! Yes, it was rash but we, undoubtedly, found unexpected joy with this unplanned addition to our trip.


Some special observations -

1.  Rajasthan is a place full of talent. The people are so adept at dancing and the musical instruments that your eyes turn saucers and you can't help but dance to the melody of Rajasthani folk music. 
If there is any place the Government should invest in to promote cultural talent, it is Rajasthan. The Fire dance, The Kalbeliya Gypsy Dance, The Bhavayi Dance and the list is endless! 

2. You will meet the sarangi-players at every nook and cranny of the city. The magical sound leaves you mesmerised. But at the same time, I couldn't help but feel sorry at the sordid state of the talented people playing so joyfully their melodious music for us. These people deserve a better life and a platform to showcase the talent that they have been bestowed with.


3. The food in the city is delectable. The various dishes leave you satiated and tript (I could find no better substitute for the feeling than this word!) Also, don't forget to taste the mirch-pakodas at the station shop in Pokhran.

4. The night sky is indescribably clear and beautiful. I sat for hours looking at the clear starry sky, with my bare feet in the cool sand. It was like heavens had opened the gates for me from above; a sheer bliss for a person like me who has an incurable homesickness for the stars. Every worry was wiped off my mind and I found the sangfroid and solace that I was pining for since the past so many months.



P.S.

I would like to thank my Sir for this wonderful trip. And would also like to apologise in case we caused too much trouble.

Special thanks to the people accompanying me who not only made this trip a cherishing experience but also taught me new things - teen patti :D
Shubhangi Kapoor needs special mention here for being the awesome person that she is and for bearing my nuisance so patiently.