THIS IS THE PROPERTY OF SURBHI MAKKAR

I love you the way certain dark things are to be loved...in secret...between the shadow and the soul.

Ah, how I love the feel of you in my hands...the sleek and smooth body...the shape and cut so perfect that I can barely resist you...

I love the way you say "surbhi" whenever I turn you on... with my long fingers moving all over you, taking in every minute detail of you, drinking in my personal brand of wine...a wine so addictive that I lose all inhibitions and succumb...the nights I spend with you turn out to be my best, clearing frustration out of every cell of my body...closing my eyes to the world, I fall in love with you and stay there till my heart's desire.

there is nothing more nice;

there is nothing much worser;

than me as your vice

and you as my versa.

I belong to you the way you belong to me...
I chose you the way a wand chooses its wizard...

It has been one whole year since you came into my life and you have turned around my world...with you, I spend my days and with you, I spend my nights...you fulfil whatever my heart yearns for... like Aladdin's genie...you are mine; I love you :)

Dear all, 

This blog is not a lovesick girl's diary...I am talking about my Lenovo Laptop :D I bought it on this day last year and I have been enjoying every moment spent on it - writing my blogs, my CA video classes, movies, pictures and videos of every person close to me, music...my love takes care of everything for me :D And I cherish it no less! I keep it all clean and safe and away from potential mishandlers of  my sacrosanct. I know it is silly and many would consider me materialistic, loving a laptop, but the fact remains that it has been loyally been there with me during all kinds of situations and has a major role in my work assignments...and I don't think there is anything wrong in loving something that brings out the best in you both professionally and personally...and to every person who says that it is just a machine and my love is 'one sided', I wish to state that it has my feelings (happiness, sorrow, anger, serenity, frustration, loneliness, pain, worry, jitters - I have shared every wretched emotion with my laptop in form of work or blog or movie or music!) attached to it and it never fails to cheer me up when it says so faithfully "surbhi makkar".

#Break the love laws...that lay down who should be loved...and how...and how much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLACK BEAUTY (though you are really a beast when it comes to performance!)

MAKE IT PART OF THE DANCE

As my audit assignment nears its end, I suddenly have copious amount of time to be back to my beloved blog and I thought of writing about my first full-fledged statutory audit which kept me super-busy for about 3 months and which I handled all on my own.

Let me first give a bit of background which would explain why writing about it is important to me.
A statutory auditor's job is to audit the financial statements of an entity and express his/her opinion on the accuracy and fairness of the same. Now to find about accuracy of something, one ought to know what the law and various statutes say about various things...and I am er...not very good at remembering all those sections and stuff...I know, as somebody who is soon going to be a CA, this is  something which could seriously jeopardize my prospects but that doesn't change the fact that I am as good at audit/law as Harry Potter was at potions. So when I was told that I was supposed to handle the statutory audit all on my own, I felt like it was the termination of my articleship because I would do a lousy job and the client would report that to my principal who would then chuck me out. It isn't that I hadn't done any statutory audit before but I hadn't done it ALONE...there is nothing that scares me in the world except a job entrusted to me and done wrongly (read imperfectly)...and so this audit assignment brought back my boggart of 'what if I go all wrong' back....I tried to make someone come along with me but in vain...I lay in my bed, sleepless, dreading the assignment...what if I do it all wrong? WHAT WOULD I DO IF I STUMBLE??

If you stumble, make it part of the dance. 

And I found myself treading the memory lane...class 3...I was forced to participate in a group dance competition by my house teacher...if there was anything I hated the most, it was dancing! on the first day of practice, I got scolded really bad which wasn't surprising because I really S.U.C.K.E.D. at dancing. I came back home in tears...when I told at home that I was scolded and didn't want to participate, my mother asked me the reason for the same. "I am scared that I will go wrong...that I will stumble and fall", I told her truthfully.
"If you stumble, make it part of the dance", she said smiling at me.
And all my fears vanquished.
There was no turning back after that. Not only did the teacher (who had scolded me on my first day of practice) acknowledge in front of whole house that I was doing the best in the group but our house stood II in the competition.

If you stumble, make it part of the dance, she had said.
The next morning, I informed my sir that I would be doing the assignment on my own.

And so I began.
But I didn't begin just like that. I was determined to do it with all my heart, to learn as much as possible and to give it my best shot. So I made a few things clear in my head before I dived in -
1. I would set daily targets & weekly targets and adhere to those at any cost.
2. I would aim for  5% improvement and not just take things as they were done the last year... that is when I leave, my work should be at least 5% better than my predecessor. 
3. I would do it not for the sake of doing it but because I truly, really, sincerely wish to learn something out of it.
4. I would try to be like my father - professional to the core.

So my new anthem became - 
If a task has once begun, never leave it till it's done.
Be the labor big or small, do it well or not at all.


The job was huge. There were a lot of companies, 20 contractors, a trust and finally a sole proprietorship that I had to audit. Then there was the tax audit u/s 44AB and also a report on transfer pricing to be prepared.
I began with the contractors. One by one, I finished the contractors...ledger scrutiny...their tax computation...their tax audit...
The companies...6 of them...CARO(Companies Auditor's Report order)...calculation of MAT(Minimum Alternate Tax)...computation of tax liability...tax audit u/s 44AB ...
The sole proprietorship...the biggest of them all! 
Finally the transfer pricing report.

I am sparing you all the technical details of all this, no need to thank me for that :P
For I am not writing this blog to feed you CA stuff but because I wanted to share my own experience of the adage - the best way is always through.  
Yes, I was hell scared of not being able to meet the deadline with all that work and my daily coaching alongside. 3months passed in whirls of time - I lost track of things, I was out of touch with most of the world. I was often so tired by the time I got back home that I had no time or the energy to exercise which took toll on my health. I got skin allergy because of the pollution and smoke that the factories emit out there 24x7. But none of this mattered because nothing in the world can compare to the happiness and high that a tallied balance sheet gives !!! Yes, there were mistakes but I was able to rectify them all and match the balance sheet on my own.  For the first time in my life, I was actually learning some real life application of what I always studied in the confined walls of my classroom and 'puked' out on answer sheets in the confined walls of examination center,..and all by myself.
The 'all by myself' part is highly significant.
It isn't that I was highly dependent on people around me; I could do my work decently but now that I have done the work myself, I have realized that it gave me a strange sense of freedom... It is easy to run to others but the freedom that standing and doing it on your own gives is ineffable...the confidence that it has instilled in me is probably one of those things that they say you don't realize was missing until it finally arrives. But the most important of all was that it reinforced what I was always taught as a child -

If you don't know, the thing to do is not to get scared, but to learn.

Turning back, I feet that the best way to overcome fear is to look at your own past experiences and realize that it was futile to have all these fears!

There is this funny incident that I would like to narrate...while doing one of the companies, I got stuck somewhere. No matter how much I tried, I just could not understand where I had gone wrong because not even my trial balance was tallying, forget the balance sheet ! So I had to ask my father. He could not find the mistake either but he commented that my work was LOUSY ! he said that it lacked proper format and that things were all haphazard in there! the comment pierced right through my vein like some bestial injection spreading indignation in my blood, not because he had commented but because he was unable to find the mistake in my work and yet conclude that it was lousy ! Like father, like daughter - I snatched away my pen drive out of the laptop and told him that I would speak to him only after I had corrected my mistake and tallied the balance sheet. He burst out laughing. I didn't take his call the whole day, worked hard and tallied the balance sheet and mailed him. I then called him up and he laughed again ! but after an hour or so, I got a mail from him with the subject 'improved balance sheet' and saw that he had made several changes that had nothing to do with the fundamentals and everything to do with the presentation of the balance sheet !  It is impossible to beat him at CA-ism :P :D

Moral : Anything that I've done that was ultimately worthwhile initially scared me to death...Life begins where your comfort zone ends.
P.S.
Because of this audit, I displeased a lot of people - I was unable to be a part of their birthday parties and I know that they all believe that I always try to weasel my way out as I am not very fond of social obligations but I swear, this time I was really going bonkers due to the workload...Although I can't deny that I enjoyed the hours that I spent doing the work more than I 'd have enjoyed sitting idly in some mall ! :P

Pika Pikachu

Scientists say that the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and ELECTRONS. They forget to mention morons.
~ Daffy Duck

No, no, no.
I know that you thought when I said moron, I was going to write about myself but I am really sorry to disappoint you. You are not Lord Voldemort, you can't always know everything.
Actually I wanted your attention on the word electrons, that is why it is written in capitals, you moron (ha ha! there ! I gave you a taste of your own medicine :D)
I want to introduce another contributor, a new author of this blog...and there is a direct link between electrons and that author.
So ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for PIKACHU ! :D

Enough of being a cartoon now! Back to business!

Here are the minutes of the meeting -

1. I love Pokemon. I love Pikachu.

2.My blog was linked to my first ever gmail id...and I created that id when I was a kid and kids make stupid ids...I am sure you all have stupid ids too...my best friend has anime in her id...some have words like beautiful and unique in their ids...I have angelic in my id. :P It is nothing to be ashamed of, of course, but as we grow up, we are taught to be professional and meticulous with respect to everything. And first thing we all do after being taught that is  to change our mail ids to something very boring like ca.pqr@gmail.com or dr.abc@gmail.com and so on and so forth...to give a nice impression to our future employer...of course he won't employ me for my knowledge and caliber but because I have a very professional-looking mail id, that's how we hire in India. I hope the sarcasm is evident.
And so I had to make such an id too...Now, I save my blog as a draft in my mail id before writing it on blogger(I like to put all my thoughts as and when they pop up in my head. They come up mostly before sleeping or while traveling in metro and I, being a scatterbrain, tend to forget them all soon so I have to save them asap) so I used to save them all in my main id, copy it from there, sign out, sign in with my old id that is linked with the blog and then finally paste it  there. Uff! Too much of a hassle, you see ! so I linked my main id with the blog too with the pseudonym Pikachu and voila issue sorted out :D

3.Pikachu is the cutest, most intelligent Pokemon ever.

4. Pikachu is very loyal. I revere loyalty in any form.

5. Being a cartoon character, Pikachu adds to the stupidity and tongue-in-cheek humour that I am well-known for :P 

6. Come on now, you all ! why so serious? It is really going to be me anyway ! Pikachu only makes it more convenient for me to post it. Though I could have used the post via email option too but Pikachu brings a well-needed change and change is the only constant thing in life !


So, I thought of appointing Pikachu as the new author.

Pika Pika ! :D

Muzaffarnagar ka noor, Shubhangi Kapoor :P

Tu ek kaam krna...mere pe blog likh de ek !

Roger that !

So here it is :D

Before you read further, I would like you to know that I have taken the liberty to write A LOT about you because I know that you like to read about yourself plus unlike others, I know that you would not mind ANYTHING that I say about you :P

The Introduction

In my initial days at the firm (where both of us are articles) , when I first met her, I could instantly deduce that  Shubhangi Kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar.

She is as garrulous as I am taciturn.

She is as social as I am unsociable.

She is as expressive about everything as I am self-contained and inexpressive.

Since I am not among those gregarious ones, I inferred that both of us would merely be colleagues tied by the common fate of being registered under the same CA.

How very wrong I was.

I might choose to be silent about everything but I observe quite a lot...so after auditing for one whole year, here is my Audit Report for Shubhangi Kapoor Pvt Ltd -

S for Social

She has a hundred friends (and a thousand silly male fans...Remember Luqmaan and Rahul, Shubhangi?! :P ) The moment she uploads a picture, the flood of notifications begins :D As I type this, she is perhaps busy making plans for parties and places she would go on her birthday with her friends...On the contrary, I like to be with my own self on my birthday (or other 364 days of the year  :P)

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Haute Couture

This celebrity of our firm is as girly as I can never be :P If you ever happen to walk with her, she will make you notice clothes and sandals and nail paints (basically all the things that I utterly fail to see) of other girls. While walking, she will constantly keep checking her reflection in any mirror that comes across her way.

The way I keep my blog opened on another tab, she has Jabong and Myntra opened up and keeps checking all the new stuff available...She actually makes an effort to look presentable ALL.THE.TIME which is really hard for me to digest sometimes...I mean I thank all the Gods of the universe when I manage to reach on time for my coaching at 6:30am daily so it really baffles me when she appears all dolled up ! While I like to fill my room with novels, it is clothes and shoes that occupy a huge chunk of her room...well, to each, her own !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

U for Uproarious

She is always so full of energy that I sometimes wonder if she is the brand ambassador of Glucon-D. She is ever - ready for hanging out or shopping no matter how tired she is. I, on the other hand, was perhaps handed over to Makkar family by some sloth...I tend to avoid any activity that involves getting out of bed and being around people :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

B for Bollywood

She is the Wikipedia of Bollywood songs and movies. You can NEVER beat her at antakshari. She has seen all genres of movies from vivah to hate story and is a huge fan of Ranbir Kapoor. :D

I rarely watch Bollywood movies (unless it's JWM, of course!) and am as good as Katrina Kaif is at giving expressions and speaking Hindi, when it comes to remembering songs :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

H for Hearsay

This is her favorite pastime - gossiping ! She knows everything that is happening in the firm...it is obviously a direct consequence of her social nature...She goes up to people to talk to them...she will always have something to tell you...a new story everyday, a new gossip...she can speak at length with or without any topic. On the contrary, all that you can manage to get out of me is a 'yes' or a 'no' on anything and everything :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

A for Audit Files

Ah, my favorite part for reasons as conspicuous as a 6'3'' tall guy ;) :D

The 20 days audit with her was about learning how to charge conveyance, about thums-up, about food, about candy crush, about shopping...Am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, the Balance Sheet and P&L account of the company too :P

I diligently took care of all the working papers for 19 days...I gave them to her for a day and she forgot to get them the next day !

I know how to order food properly and she knows how to serve it perfectly (I don't know what I would have done without you ! Who would have opened that delectable shahi paneer for me all those days at the client's place ! Shubhangi, my saviour :P )

She can come up with any bullshit but believable story in a matter of seconds while it shows on my face if I ever try to spin a yarn !

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

N for Narender Modi

The only thing she is passionate about apart from shopping is politics ! On the days the Railway and the Union budget came out, she had a heated discussion with the accountant of the client about how Narender Modi is the beacon of hope for the country and can help India get out of the rut...I, on the other hand, gleefully played candy crush while this discussion was on ! I had to tell her twice to chill and that ache din aane wale hain definitely only then did she stop her argument with the accountant !   I have just about as much interest in politics as Hermione Granger has in Quidditch.

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

G for Gluttony

If sloth is the sin that I commit, she is accused of gluttony :P She can gobble up lunch of 3 people all at one go...If she is extra hungry, this number might reach 5 :P And then, she will make the whole office leave all work and help her get her swimming form signed so that she can lose weight :P

Though I eat like a horse too but I can't consume lunch of 3 people at one go :P (Poor Jay! he gets only half a parantha of the 3 paranthas from his own lunch, hats off Shubhangi kapoor :P )

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

I for Inquisitive

This is one trait that I both love and hate about her ! She wants to know everything about everybody ! Albeit the fact that it shows that she's genuinely concerned about people (the reason I love this trait), it irks me a lot if I am asked questions that I do not wish to answer (the reason I hate this trait) ! But thankfully, this Muzzafarnagar Ki Ladki  understood this about me and stopped interviewing me on my personal life though she keeps dropping hints that she knows that there is this big enigma revolving Surbhi Makkar :P As far as I am concerned, I hardly bother about anybody's life and my questions surround the books people are reading and the movies that they have watched :P

Shubhangi kapoor = 1/ Surbhi Makkar, hence proved.

Dear Shubhangi,

I know that you somehow already knew that this blog was coming but please act surprised ! :P

I might have written a few things that you might not have liked but it doesn't change the fact that if I am writing this for you, it means you matter A LOT to me...because unlike you, I shall never say it on face if I really care about somebody but prove my loyal friendship in my own small little ways...You already have a carbon copy of Surbhi Makkar in form of Sameeksha so I need not explicitly tell you that some people close their mouth and speak in a thousand different ways...I might be a big fashion disaster in your eyes but I have never had a disastrous friendship with anyone in 22 years of my existence and I think it says something more than what my attire or hairdo or looks do...It is not how attractive a person looks but how reliable, trustworthy and true he/she is that counts and there I score decent enough, I can assure you. I am not a very sensitive person like you who can convey feelings very effectively...I have no shame in accepting that between emotions and my peace of mind, I'd choose peace at any time which might make me appear indifferent but at the same time I am leaving every other work to write this for you...I hope that you get the drift...that you fucking mean a lot to me !

The aforementioned things that I am unable to do, the uninhibited expression of care, is exactly what makes you most endearing...The way you gently hold my hand while crossing the road...I can never ever forget our trip together, it is a beautiful memory I am going to take to my grave with me...The last one Km that you made me cover holding my hand... for those few steps that you walked with me, I shall walk infinite miles for you if you ever need a loyal friend.

You are a gem of a person.

Happy Birthday.

May God bless you.

May all your dreams come true.

May you have as many reasons to smile as the number of stars in the sky.

I love you, Moti :P :)

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S. With this blog, I win over my prejudices and I am really proud of the fact :)

इस असुविधा के लिए हमें खेद है...

Pre - script : This post was supposed to come out long time back but I was occupied with audit plus somebody made me realise that I might be following a pattern - my last two posts being posted on 5/5 and 6/6 respectively and hence this one on 7/7 :D





So I was one of those caught in (yet another) technical glitch in Delhi's sweetheart - Metro.
This was the second time I got stuck, with a drone of "इस असुविधा के लिए हमें खेद है...We are sorry for the inconvenience caused", giving me and other people a monotonous company...

(a little bit of trivia here -

The Male voice of the Delhi Metro — Shammi Narang (Speaks in Hindi)

The Female voice of the Delhi Metro — Rini Simon Khanna (Speaks in English)




)


The first time I was lucky - I hadn't boarded the metro. I kept waiting at the platform but the metro didn't come ! Consequently, I had to miss my office (The clients are on cloud 9 when the auditors take a leave, just saying!) Anyway, I took a bus and got back home...Though I have used DTC a lot for travelling but that was in college...this time I was in formals, carrying heavy books and files...Aftermath - I sprained my ankle (ouch! that hurt...A LOT !)

The second time I got stuck inside the metro for about 45 minutes...When the metro staff finally surrendered to the glitch and asked us all to move out and make our own arrangements, I took a bus (No sprain or injuries this time, thankfully) from the nearest bus stop and reached home in 2 effing hours. For those who have travelled in a DTC bus would be aware of the fact that crowd in the buses is horrendous. A guy got slapped by a woman and I think that would give you an idea that sometimes DTC buses breed potential rapists.


This is why I love Delhi Metro.
You get to observe a wide gamut of people in a comparatively safer and air-conditioned environment.
So notwithstanding the ever- increasing technical failures, my affection for metro continues to grow with the passage of time.
It's become such an integral part of my life that the three hours that I spend in metro daily, I feel like home...that this is where I belong...It might sound insane but sometimes when I feel lost, I have found solace in the metro...when I wish to go neither home nor office, I simply board a metro without any destination in mind...simply to go on...silencing the palaver, it somehow clears out my head...I call it The Metro Therapy (Don't google it up, both the nomenclature and the therapy are of my own creation)

This is a picture of Rajeev Chowk Metro station at peak hours (I tried to take the picture but was scolded by a guard there #फोटोग्राफी निषेद है so I had to copy it from google images.) I have always been mesmerised by this scene (Perhaps my brother IS right...perhaps waldosia is the word for me)...hundreds of heads bobbing in and out after every few minutes...it might sound creepy but it looks no different than the colony of ants moving in and out...it is like getting caught in the sea of people where EACH person is running like a maniac...somebody is rushing for an urgent meeting while somebody is getting late for his exam...there is a girl trampling upon your foot with her heels while dashing towards her boyfriend...there is an old man who has to work even after retirement to meet his ends...there is a man storming out of the metro, his face tense and anxious, to take the yellow line metro towards AIIMS where his pregnant wife is soon going to give birth to his child...each person fighting his/her own battle in his/her own different way...
Metro is the storehouse of such hundred thousand stories...there is a beautiful word that aptly describes what I am trying to say here - sonder.

And that is why, to me, metro seems to be a living creature breathing the spirit of ' just keep moving, no matter what' as it makes way through the tunnels of Delhi like a humongous nematode.

Another lesson that metro seems to be conveying to me is about changes...that in order to reach your final destination, you have to embrace changes - get down at one station and take another metro. And that people are meant to just give you a company, the journey you have to make on your own...some started with you from where you first boarded the metro and got down at their respective stations...Some people continue to travel along with you for a little longer but eventually their ways separate too...such changes are part and parcel of life and there is nothing to be sad about it because in the end,everybody has his/her own journey and destination and they just happen to meet you as a co-passenger as your paths cross for a while...

As easy as it sounds to be, a change, no matter how good, is never easy to make...because change means to break free from your boundaries of comfort and venture out into the unknown... just to illustrate my point - 

This is my first ever metro travel card...I used it for 5years till a month back when it started giving issues and became unreadable at the AFC gates and the TVMs one day...and it was with a heavy heart that I got a new travel card made :( Because it wasn't just a travel card...for me, it was a loyal companion who saw me through all kinds of situations - when I was running late for college (read daily), when I had my final exams and almost ran to catch the metro to be on time for the exam, when I bunked college and went for movies, when I went for my CA classes, when I started from home for office but went to Manan's (my nephew) place instead, when I had had a serious argument with a friend and left for home in tears, when I used to be so tired because of coaching that I would sit on the floor of the metro (which is prohibited), when I would refuse to eat in the metro no matter how hungry just because I didn't want to litter the clean floor (Only after I lost a lot of weight because my meals got skipped due to coaching, I started eating my lunch in the metro), when my IPCC/Bcom Hons results were out and I celebrated my success with special friends creating memorable moments, when I felt frustrated and boarded the metro just to escape my own self...

I can go on and on about the memories this special card held. 

Notice the past tense...because I gave the card back to DMRC. Though I wanted to keep it as a souvenir but then I realised that as time elapses, everything fades away...people who were with you at the inception of your journey might not be there as you reach your destination...your perceptions change...sometimes your course of journey changes...so how could this little card be with me till eternity...I knew that I had to let go of the emotional stuff attached with it...because only when I clear out the old things can I replace them with new things and experiences...it was like losing a part of my heart but what can not be cured must be endured...and so I did...

This one saw me through my CA IPCC and the new one is recording my journey of CA Final :)

And, of course, my articleship.

I am allocated in a freight company at Mahipalpur these days...and I use the Airport Express line for commuting...Albeit expensive, it is so far one of the best means of public transport that I have ever used. It is totally different from the normal metro in the following aspects :

1. While you have an overzealous reaction (OMG...it is a lucky day !!!) when you manage to get a seat in Blue line metro, the Airport line has only 5% occupancy on an average.

2. It runs at 120kmph vis à vis blue line metro's 80kmph.

3. The platforms have enormous glass panels which open when the metro enters.This provides extra safety as highly stressed people of India attempt suicides quite often.

4. It is so clean that you actually have to remind yourself that you are still in India.

On the flip side,

a) It is quite expensive which perhaps is the reason behind such a low occupancy.

b) It has a waiting for 20 minutes on an average as compared to 1 minute in Blue line metro! So if you miss one, you are bound to get late ! 

c) The quintessential people of India are conspicuous by their absence - 

•  There is no auntyji elbowing her way out in the waiting line.
• There is no girl applying nail paint while talking to her boyfriend on phone.
• There is no middle-aged lady, who has just been scolding a guy for calling her aunty, pretending to be a senior citizen just to get a seat.
• There are no kids doing 'pole dance' :P
• There is nobody staring at you (people in India generally believe that they have the right to stare just because they have been given eyes.)
• There is no aroma of achaar-parantha that a famished soul might be gorging on.
• There are no bespectacled CA students with Accountancy or Costing or Audit books in hand, catching up on sleep.Only the MBA-looking people reading orange newspapers - ET or Business Standard. :D
• There is no auntyji looking at you with beseeching eyes to vacate your seat for her.(Some even go to the extent of saying "beta hame seat de do, aap to jawaan log ho")

But the good things are that - 

• There is nobody judging you as a slut if you are in a skirt.
•  You are not sandwiched between the pervert male population who strip you with their eyes and have sex with you mentally.

There is no dearth of experiences that I have had in metro. When I come to think about it, this is a really stupid topic to write a blog on...but there is this deep connection that I feel with metro...it is actually a Surbhi-thing...I like the way my thoughts fall into place while I am travelling...The strangers look more familiar than the people you thought you knew so well...I have had so many memorable random conversations with strangers in metro...especially with foreigners...I have this silly habit of going up to them and asking about their experiences in India [60% of them have turned out to be Russians and loved Delhi and Bollywood and SRK (the females, obviously)]...I start talking to any Tom,Dick or Harry with a novel ! I have befriended so many CA people I met in metro because you happen to see the same faces at each coaching you attend...There have also been some bizarre incidents when people have come up to me to say things about my fingers (I have abnormally long and thin fingers that catch every body's attention) and been told different theories about it - people with long fingers tend to be really rich, people with long fingers are known to be arrogant, people with long fingers are possessive and so on and so forth! 

Dear Delhi Metro,

Thank you for making my life so comfortable...No matter how much people grumble about your technical failures (This is what they say- metro ab buddhi ho gayi hai!), I want you to know that I am immensely grateful for your presence...you carry lakhs of people daily who sometimes litter or even damage you...Thank you for giving me so many memorable moments...it's like you have been making my journey of life along with me...I don't know what I would do without you, I would be stranded in every sense of the word !

Yours sincerely

A commuter.

The Increment.

"I LOVE YOU", they say are the best words forever but "Your account has been credited with INR  XX.XX", in my opinion, do a better job.

Well, I got a similar SMS today and was just about to feel ecstatic when I noticed the figure with which my account was credited. It was more than usual. Ecstasy was replaced by curiosity and I enquired the accountant about the same...I was told that it's been one year since I joined my articleship so the hike in the stipend!

WOW.

Pure bliss.

What's better than being paid for doing nothing after all? :D

Just kidding...about the doing nothing part, I mean...CA and doing nothing = oxymoron.

To put it in self- explanatory words, Bakre ko halaal krne se pehle khoob khilaya jata hai...so the hike perhaps indicates what the further years of articleship have in store for me...I am the bakra here, just FYI.

Anyway, what baffled me was the fact that it took an increment in my paycheck to make me realise that it has already been one whole year since I joined my articleship ! 

1 year...12 months...365 days...8760 hours...525600 minutes...3153600 seconds...

Time flies by fast!

Now that I come to think about it, I feel that this last one year has been a total roller coaster ride. Life changes drastically once you get out of college.

Baba Ranchoddas Chanchad RDB mei bhi sahi gyaan de gaye hame -

College de gate de is taraf hum life ko nachaate hain...te duji taraf life humko nachati hai...

If I get a 10 marks question on college vs office life, this would be my answer -

	BASIS	COLLEGE		OFFICE
1	Attire	You can wear absolutely anything  (I have been to college in my tracksuit)		You wear formals day after day.
2	Truancy	You bunk college to take a break		You bunk office and have to do twice the normal work the next day
3	Weekends	Weekends are for hanging out		Weekends are for catching up on sleep
4	Deadlines	You have deadlines just for submitting that assignment which you will copy at the eleventh hour from somebody		You have deadlines just about everything. Delay on your part means extra work on Sundays.
5	Meeting Friends	You meet your friends daily		Just like the financial statements that you work upon, you meet your friends annually.
6	Topic of Discussion	You talk about the new movies that have released		You talk about the new Companies   Act
7	Fantasies	You fantasise about life after college, of financial independence, of formals, of professional ethics.		You are nostalgic about college beyond words. Screw formals, screw professional ethics, you miss college like anything.
8	Surbhi- specific behaviour	Manage to reach late everyday despite getting up on time.		Manage to reach late everyday despite getting up on time.
9	Who cares	Nobody cares about what you believe/say/do.		Nobody cares about what you believe/say/do.
10	Studies	You don't study.		You don't study.

(7/10...#8, #9 and #10 are not really points of difference :P)

To sum up,

एक वो वक़्त था जब हम सोचते थे कि हमारा भी वक़्त आएगा...
एक ये वक़्त है कि हम सोचते हैं कि वो भी क्या वक़्त था...

True, albeit hackneyed, life after college sucks but office has taught me the rule of thumb of the corporate culture and of life in general - There is nothing of any importance in life - except how well you do your work. Nothing. Only that. Whatever else you are, will come from that. It's the only measure of human value. (#Atlas Shrugged)

Three cheers for my increment  :D

Band Baajaa Baraat :D

Pre - script : This is a satire on Indian marriages, written solely for entertainment (what else do you expect, the title of my blog is ROFL?!) and is not intended to offend anybody or any ritual or anything for that matter. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No, No, I am not getting married so relax, my secret admirers (:P), this post is an aftermath of attending 4 weddings within a fortnight...

Welcome to the big fat Indian wedding...

Shailesh (Shanty)

   weds

Kajal (Kaju)

(Dinner hosted by Khurana family)

That's what a little signboard at the entry gate said, yes, the 'shanty' and 'kaju' part included, reminding me of kaju barfi... Anyway, I ignored it because - 

1. Being born into a Punjabi family, I am used to this sort of stuff.

2. Being born into a Punjabi family, all I cared about was the dinner part :D (I know that it's a bit harsh but I don't care you call him Shalu or Shanty or Shit, Kajal Khurana oops Kajal Shanty Arora,  you better serve delectable shahi paneer and dal makhni or I shall ask the God of weddings to make you fat soon after the marriage which you'll anyway become :P)

And as I entered, my sense organs had to start working at double the normal speed...the sound of Punjabi music (ears), the aroma of food (nose), scanning the crowd so that I could escape the irksome relatives (eyes) [if you are a boy, you use this sense organ to scan the extra voluptuous female members in extra tight clothes, of the homo sapiens species], food (tongue), centralized air-conditioning causing goosebumps (skin).

I'd like to list out some of the quintessential facts about a desi shaadi -

1. The groom side NEVER shows up on time. If you are from the groom's side, you have to wait for ages for them to arrive so that you can hand them over the shagun and leave. If you are from the bride's side, you have to wait on the other side of the ribbon and haggle with the groom side to let them cut the ribbon. In both the cases, you lose a lot of precious time which could otherwise have been utilised for sleeping, sorry I mean studying :P

2. There is ALWAYS some auntyji concerned more than necessary about your career because her husband's brother's wife's sister's son also did the same course as you and so that makes her qualified to suggest you that Modi College of Engineering is better than Kejriwal College of Technology or big 4s are better than small or medium level firms.

3. There is a gang of your father's masiji(s) and maamaji(s) who will suggest to your parents that "ab iska number bhi aane wlaa hai,bahot padhaai ho gayi ab iske liye bhi dekhna shuru karo" (I always shut them up by forcing them to eat gulaabjamun, I swear on Harry Potter's scar that it always works. You lose the dessert but yay, no more bullcrap! :D )

4. There is this one whiny relative who will catch hold of you and say "aap toh kabhi yaad hi nahi karte hame"

Uff.

(Aap to jaise hame roz roz whatsapp karte hain na !!!)

5. Some uncle you have never seen in 22 years of your existence will come to you, pull your cheeks and say "itni si thi jab dekhi thi aur ab dekho...kaunsi class mei ho gayi" and then for some reason he will take out some money and force it into your hand. And this is a rule that you refuse it twice till he says aashirwaad hota hai, mana nahi karte.It then becomes your moral duty to accept it.
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!

6. One elderly female sitting on the couch who you'll have to go and meet because she can't move. She is the one who is made to guard all the bags.

7. The NRI relatives of the family impeccably dressed in a traditional attire, looking more Indian than all the Indians present in the wedding. The tall, blonde French guy seems so irresistible that you forget all decency and keep staring at him :P (ye point #3 wale masi n mama ji ko ab kyu nahi yaad ata ki mera number aane wala hai?! :P :P )

8. A group of aunties busy gossiping and finding faults in other aunties' sarees and suits. And then suddenly one of them asks in a hush- hush voice "arranged marriage hai ya love?" and when the answer is arranged, I am reminded of this - 

9. This is the funniest of all - the photographer zooming in on the people eating and people posing for the video camera like it's a still camera :P

 Finally, the baraat arrives. There are shiny decked-up aunties dancing (how they manage to dance in heels is a mystery I have never been able to solve) with the baraat with their equally shiny purses tucked into their armpits.

And suddenly there is a lot of crowd on the DJ.

I have noticed this pattern - as the friends of the groom show their moves on the DJ, either of these two songs is played-

a) aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai!

b) ek kunwaara fir gaya maara, fas gaya dekho ye bechara !

And then some crazy fellow from the group pulls the groom on the DJ and he is made to dance on apne vyaah te nachda firre!!
Then suddenly all these fellows (except the groom) vanish somewhere for a while and come back all energetic and dance bizarrely on the beats of do ghoont pila de saathiyaa and I understand where they must have disappeared.

And then suddenly the dance-music is stopped and din shagana da chadheya is played and all the focus shifts as the coy bride, clad in all red, enters. She takes ages to reach the stage where the groom is waiting for her. Once she is there, the bride and the groom exchange the varmaala (there is a lot of hooting as the groom's friends lift him up so that the bride can't reach him.)

Then it's time for the poses and everybody comes and showers the blessings on the newly wed couple.

After the pictures and poses, they have dinner together.

While the bride and the groom look all jittery thinking about all the changes that would soon come into their lives after the wedding, all the relatives change into comfortable casuals because it's time for the pheras.

The pheras are the most sacred part of an Indian wedding. The couple makes the vows of being together till death do them apart.

Fast- forwarding,

As the pheras come to an end, the bride gets all moist-eyed (This is perhaps the only time when a woman's worry of smudging her makeup takes a backseat! :P), hugs her family and leaves with the groom in a beautifully decorated car for their home (where the friends and family have planted alarm clocks to ruin their first night together.)

And so it ends after a night-long saga !

Lesson learnt -