The Lightening Bolt Scar

Harry Potter's lightening bolt shaped scar has always caught my attention in the entire series. I have always wondered why represent a failed curse with a scar? Even Dumbledore refused to wipe it off stating scars come in handy!

The curiosity behind the metaphorical meaning of the scar has led to this blog post. Remember how everybody recognizes Harry Potter in the first book with his scar? How the scar arose Mrs. Weasley's maternal instincts stating the poor boy was all on his own entering the Wizarding World without anybody to help him out? It's because the scar is a souvenir of the pain he had undergone as a child and everybody knew of his childhood tragedy because the scar enunciates his story.

What if we had something similar in our lives? Before you judge me as insane, let me clarify my thought process.

Not every person is good with communicating what he/she is going through. For some, the grief or the pain itself is self-consuming while some people shut down because that's the only way they know how to survive. Some do not want to appear weak and some people have history of trust issues to deal with. In the whole process, the suffering sometimes takes toll on the person and yet people who might care about you really have no idea about what you are dealing with alone. No wonder, we are a generation grappling with depression and insomnia.

For long, I have believed that uttering things out would make me emotionally weak. So when I write that people find it difficult to communicate their pain, I speak out of experience. What if there was a way out?

For every pain that we undergo, a physical manifestation of the pain appears in form of a scar on our body. Had a breakup - a gash appears on your cheek. Your pet dies - a deep cut appears on your neck. Your best friend left you forever - a cross appears on your arm. A deep red wound appears right on your forehead for loss of a parent.

So when you walk through a mall, instead of noticing somebody for her fat nose you notice her deep red wound on the forehead and feel your empathy rising towards her when you touch your own forehead and notice a similar wound. In place of giving out idiotic and unwanted advice to a relative you met at a wedding, you'd give him a hug on noticing a deep cut around his neck and tell him that you know that it hurts but it will get better. When you see such cuts and scars on X's body while he works out in a gym, you feel the pain of troubled childhood emanating from him and his corpulence would be overlooked.

So my point is that the sound of scars on our bodies is ugly as long as we link it to looks and beauty. For example, we judge a lot of people even for their acne problem and I am campaigning here for having scars! Let me enumerate a few benefits of the theory -

1. Each one of us has some trauma or the other so each one is going to have a scar and so it would be as normal as having a mole. Having said that, if you can SEE somebody's pain written right on their faces, you are likely not to be judgmental on basis of their looks.

2. People are less likely to slip into depression and commit suicides because they would be spelling out their pain on their faces and help would always be available for them in form of people having similar scars.

3. It would lead to meaningful bonds between people if they share the stories behind their scars and experiences of coping up with the pain associated with it.

4. Two people might come closer and realise they have the remedies for each other's scars and it might wipe off their scars completely!

To be precise, दाग़ लगने  से कुछ  अच्छा  होता है, तो  दाग़ अच्छे हैं !

Just a little something to ponder upon to make us a better person, more lovable friend, more understanding partner and most importantly a more emphatic human being.

Expecto Patronum

Call it guilt, fear, anger or hatred. Essentially it means your thoughts and emotions are working against you.

                                                                    -Sadhguru


Some people are better at controlling their thoughts while some struggle to keep negativity at bay. With the onset of corona, a lot of people have come face to face with their mental health issues- something that is always swept under the carpet in India. How many of you have been mocked at by your friends for voicing out whenever you felt low with -
"Chill kar, tune zindagi mei stress lene ke alawa kuch kia hai ajtak?"  
or 
"Life ko enjoy kia kar, ye depression shpression kuch nahi hota" 
or 
"emotional fool mat ban, only weak people do that. Get up and face your battles."

And yet, we have increasingly high number of people suffering from mental ill-health and it goes unnoticed because of the shame and stigma associated with it.

Closer home, Deepika Padukone came out on her fight with depression at the pinnacle of her successful career. Imagine the kind of depression failure would inflict if success can lead to depression!
And now, we lost a fine actor in Sushant Singh Rajput allegedly to depression. 

It is a ridiculous but general belief that introverts and quiet people fall prey to depression easily. With my personal experience, I can tell you that surrounding yourself with wrong kind of people kills you mentally than being on your own. Before judging yourself as depressed, make sure you're not surrounded by idiots who, like parasites, suck out the emotional strength out of you. 
One of my 'good' friends rebuffed me with, "You seek sympathy" when I once tried to talk about how I was breaking down. This was years back and yet it stayed etched into my mind and it also led me to believe that there is no market for your honest thoughts and feelings. That was the end of me seeking support from people around me because my mind translates it to sympathy to this day! So such experiences in the past often tend to create stereotypes in our minds. Everybody in the media is saying that Sushant should have talked out, reached out to people. Who knows he might have tried to reach out? But unfortunately to the wrong ones, the 'you seek sympathy' kind who sucked out his last bit of will power and the poor soul snapped?

1. We MUST understand that acceptance is the foremost requirement in any issue. If somebody reaches out to you or shows symptoms of withdrawal or any erratic behaviour whatsoever, it's of utmost importance to recognise and accept that it EXISTS and understand that it is not like usual mood swings we face on a daily basis but something that is dying inside bit by bit. 

2. Do NOT attempt stupidity by suggesting the person to simply ignore it or try to keep oneself distracted or the worst of all, blaming him/her for being weak. I mean, if you have toothache, do you suggest the patient to ignore it or distract himself from pain by partying or the most ludicrous - be brave and keep on fighting with the pain? NO! the tooth has to be treated and with the right hands. Why can't people understand this with emotional pain? Emotional pain runs way deeper than the roots of teeth.

3. Sometimes it's the toxic environment around you that takes toll on your mind. It might be family or office or the people you hang out with. While you can always change your office or people around you, family is not something you can change using a magic wand. As adults, we seek in our relationships what we lacked in our childhood. So a troubled childhood often leads to dysfunctional adults. In such cases, one can only pray that these dysfunctional adults do not carry on the legacy and further create toxic environment for their own children!

4. You may protect yourself from physical ailments like corona with a 20 second handwash but protecting your mental as well as emotional health is a different matter in itself. It is a delicate matter, a dangerous weapon if in wrong hands... an invisible boundary you may unknowingly cross and find yourself groping for a way out...CHOOSE wisely who you reach out to. It will make all the difference in the world. Do not be scared of cutting ties with people who make you feel like trash. If your boat is sinking, throw away the extra baggage without a second thought.

5. Mother Teresa said this on apathy once that the greatest disease today is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. Physical diseases may be cured with medicine but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is Love. 
As the famous song goes by - if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own!

This post is for Sushant Singh Rajput who stirred something within my heart and soul with his honest work. I would conclude by a dialogue from his movie - 

Hum haar jeet, success failure mei itna ulajh gaye hain, ki zindagi jeena bhool gaye hain. Zindagi mei agar kuch sabse zyada important hai toh wo hai khud zindagi.

RIP Sushant. 

P.S. Those who did not understand the caption, it's a spell in Harry Potter which conjures up a tangible positive-energy shield and protects you from the Dementors (happiness-sucking fiends). Literally, it translates to 'I wait for the Guradian'

Life in the time of Corona

Corona has taken over the world. Even Prince Charles has contracted corona. Is anybody safe during these times?

I don't need to mention how bad the situation is, the media is already covering all of it. I am here to talk about how life has changed with this pandemic. Although coming from a person who already liked being under quarantine, this isn't going to sound much... I mean, I already hated going out of house or meeting people.

Since we are under 21days of lockdown, let me enlist 21 ways in which life is different in the time of corona. Of course, all of this is my personal opinion and written in good humour so you need not agree with any of it. These are listed in order of gravity of the matter i.e. from less serious to more -

1. I have learnt all the household chores in absence of any domestic help. I have become a total marriageable material :P So any secret admirers, now is the time to make your move because everything is fair in love and war and this is REAL war.

2. I have watched so much Netflix/Prime that I find it boring now. I even watched this long promised movie to one of my forever- favourite persons - Kesari ! I am now planning to watch B.R. Chopra's Mahabharat.

3. India has watched so much Netflix during lockdown, the data companies have had to reduce their speed from 40mpbs to 8mpbs. Of course, this was bound to happen with Pornhub premium going free! :P But seriously, if this is what makes people sit at home then be it!

4. I have finished reading 2 novels. And I am not talking about re-reading Harry Potter here!

5. Life is better as people are all locked inside so they can't visit me or complain that I don't visit them. :D

6. Make-up handicapped people like me have all the time in the world to learn basic make-up. I have learnt to apply eye liner now. Although I blotch up the left eye a bit but I still have 20 days left to fine-tune it. But secret admirers from point#1, don't expect me to be all dolled up on a daily basis even if I perfect it because laziness is something that I cannot take out of my DNA.

7. With no salon and beauty services available, no female is in any case going to set out of house. So as long as the salons are shut , the government need not worry about girls breaking the curfew. I am pretty sure, the moment lockdown is lifted, the salons are going to see a mad rush.

8. No office and no infuriating, sickening people from work to be seen and smiled at every morning! Apart from the fact that I am foregoing my salary, I like this the best of all things that this lockdown has brought.

9. Oh, I forgot the most obvious one! I am writing this blog post because I am feeling sane, now that I don't have the stress related to the point mentioned above! And I am sure, anybody who reads this blog would do so because they don't have anything else to do. :P

10. I had read somewhere years back that one takes 21 days to build a new habit. So I thought why not utilise this lockdown period for some value addition - learning a new language on Duolingo or may be study a bit for personal growth. Till now, nada progress so far in this department. And I have a strong feeling that this number is not going to increase. It would take more than Corona to do away with my habit of procrastination, I suppose.

11. I think it is heartening to see India fighting this pandemic with unity. The gratitude applause at 5pm on 22 March 2020 is something that is going to resonate within me for a long time. I was under the impression that only cricket world cup could unite Indians but I can proudly say that we can stand together when it comes to matters of national importance.

12. And yet, there are some of the 'cool dudes' who are venturing out for no reason. I am amazed at the innovative punishments that the authorities have come up with -

13. Then there are some REAL cool dudes. Corona has somehow helped ensure the gender equation. Men are spotted doing the dishes and cleaning the house. Here's a picture that cricketer Shikhar Dhawan shared of himself - 

Of course, there are countless other men helping their wives/mothers in all ways possible. Celebrities have been sharing their pictures as they do their own work. Katrina Kaif is getting popular doing household chores. 

14. The GoI has been announcing repeatedly that it is constantly working to ensure continuous supply of essential services and requesting people not to hoard things. But people don't want to pay heed and have been seen buying 100kgs of rice and wheat. And then there are people like daily wage earners who don't have any money to feed their children for the day. People, please listen to the authorities because they are working round the clock to ensure the basic necessities are available to all. 

15. This is the time we appreciate those who are out there risking their lives for us, by simply staying at home. How difficult is it to sit with your family and eat/sleep/watch television?

16. There are a few of my friends/acquaintances who are stuck away from their families. I wonder what it would feel like in time of crisis like this. Some theories propagate that China did this deliberately to break the bone of world economy and be a superpower. Well, if it is true then they are cruel and cold-hearted like Lord Voldemort for tearing apart so many families. I mean, people are dying. Is money/power/fame more important than life?

17. The GoI has had to announce relief packages for poorest of the poor. Both monetary and food. This extra expenditure is surely going to set back our economy but unlike China, we believe in value of life. I am positive we can all recover and bounce back with greater zeal ti build a better world.

18. Life has slowed down as we have stopped running behind material things and have come to realise that in the end all that matters is family. We have come to bare basics and realised that it is possible to live without luxuries. Office and work are not everything. Neither is money. We have been given a chance to appreciate this gift of life.

19. When was the last time you sat down with your whole family for a meal before this lockdown? I don't know but Corona reminds me of the Surf Excel tagline - agar daag lagne se kuch acha hota hai toh daag ache hain. I don't mean to say that Corona is good! What I mean is that now that this pandemic has hit, may be we can take something good out of it - placing people over things, love and friendship over PPTs and money, family over boss, health over work.

20. With human intervention withdrawn, nature is thriving. It appears that the Earth is recuperating as Corona hits the reset button - pollution levels have gone down, dolphins and swans have returned, water is clearer and the skies are bluest of the blue.

21. I think we were crossing the mark and the planet is retaliating in its own way. We were making life difficult for all other species and were flouting the planet's rule of coexistence. Perhaps this is Universe speaking to us to mend our ways if we don't want to be wiped off from the surface of Earth. When all of this gets over, I hope we start afresh and no more mess with the ways of nature.

How has your life changed in the time of Corona?

शादी कब करोगे ?

Disclaimer : There is no intention to hurt any community or religion or person with this post. All characters and names are fictional and any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.

A respectable HIGH STATUS industrialist family of Mumbai seeks alliance for their smart, good looking, EXTREMELY beautiful, charming, cultured daughter. Looking for a professionally qualified boy hailing from high status, well established, CULTURED business family.

That's an advertisement from a matrimony page of a famous newspaper. Shadi (Somehow, marriage doesn't give the same emotions as Shadi!) season is back and so is my frustration. This is my third blog on shadi and somehow my frustration has increased manifold with each post! 

I don't have any problem with the concept of shadi per se but it is the big hullabaloo created by our society around this 'sacred union of two souls' that leaves me exasperated. If one could have simply a sign-and-done kind of marriage instead of having elaborate functions with dress codes, I wouldn't mind it much!

The shadi industry is one of the few industries which is immune to recession; petty issues like global economic slowdown can't mar the spirits of your relatives who want absolutely nothing than to see you in a marital bliss. How your marriage affects your mamiji's brother's neighbour's grandparents is a mystery to me but they will still suggest your parents to marry you off because THEY consider it right! And once you decide to get married, it's just the blur of functions that you are going to have to count using a calculator. And I don't know if it's just a Punjabi family thing but the grander the arrangements, the better your image in your society. This again leaves me completely nonplussed because shelling out 25lacs on a single night is moronic!  The YOLO (you only live once) trend further propagated by SRK in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai that shadi ek bar hoti hai has made Indian weddings from grand to outrageously grand -

1. Ostentatious

One of my friends broke open her bank balance for her wedding lehnga. It was undoubtedly beautiful but is there any point in shelling out lakhs for something that is only one-time wear? If only she had spent more time talking and knowing her beau than she spent on that lehnga, she might not have to file for a divorce months later!

2. Destination wedding

This new trend has been picking up with Indian couples quite a lot. My FB was flooded with a cruise wedding the other day while another one showed a wedding in Thailand. From simply taking vows in a temple to destination weddings, Indians have definitely notched up their choices! All this show off and no patience for each other, why have such a hollow marriage?

3. Pre-wedding shoots

I don't know who invented this innovative concept but it's been exploited by the photography industry like never before! The other day, one of my colleagues showed me what she called was her announcement picture. I got confused and asked if it was her version of pre-wedding! She told me that a decade back, people used to go to the photo studio and got clicked their pictures in specific poses to announce their wedding! From those tiny studios, the wedding shoots have moved on to exotic locations like Italy and Dubai. I do hope that pre-marriage communication also gets just as popular so that we are able to nurture caring and meaningful relationships!

4. Series of Functions

People surely spend their entire savings on weddings! From Roka to Shadi, the bride and the groom have to endure at least a hundred ceremonies, each more extravagant than the other! Add to it, the Indian brand drama of relatives - hame kisi ne pucha nahi, hame nahi bulaya th toh hum kyu bulayein unhe; the functions become a total nightmare! And God save you, if you somehow are unable to attend the wedding, people will treat you with a contempt so bad that no apology will erase their prejudice against you! the only people who really enjoy a wedding are friends and cousins who dance their hearts out!

I might come across as a melodramatic wedding critic but believe me I am not as cruel as it appears to be. I am just a little limited with people I share my important personal events with. So all this extravaganza associated with wedding makes me both nauseous and scared, confused and flabbergasted at the way people just drown all their savings for a single event.  I am in no manner against people holding a lavish wedding or suggesting in any way that grand weddings are in any way associated with marriage not being a success; I simply believe that the day is important to YOU so you alone have the right to decide how you want to make it happen. Some prefer the pomp and show while I am one of those who would prefer a silent court marriage and a month long travel around the world to celebrate it. To each, his/her own! 

If only, I could hold a swayamvar and put these conditions for the probable suitors - 

1. Must be a great travel freak.

2. Knowledge and love for Harry Potter is a prerequisite.

3. Must be willing for a silent, no non-sense marriage and spend all that money saved from extravagant affairs of shadi on point#1.

4.Handle the relatives and their taunts for committing the so-called social crime enlisted in point#3

5. Say 'Surbhi is the best' 10 times a day, with or without any reason. 😁

So, anyone for a date? 😆

उड़ने को पंख भी थे, ये भी भूल गए...

ऐसी आदत है हमें काम करने की 

कि उसी को सबकुछ बना लेते हैं,

उसी रट में लगे रहते हैं, उसी को ज़िन्दगी बना लेते हैं 

उसी से शिकायत है हमें

और फिर उसी पर जान न्योछावर,

काम काम नहीं होता 

अगर आदमी काम का नहीं होता  

I came across these lines while casually browsing through internet... and they reverberated deep in my heart for quite a long time. I kept pondering over these mainly because they left me introspecting...

Let me build a bit of background here first. I was always one of those people who had her life sorted since the beginning - getting good grades to get a decent college and then a job to make myself financially independent. I was, in simple terms, that cliched person who utters the words "working sincerely... giving my best...proving an asset" in interviews and then slogs the ass off to mean these words. But when I entered the corporate world and saw its ugly face, I realised the pretty picture I had in my mind was a mere illusion. The 'just out of college with her degree' me could not understand a few fundamental things plaguing the corporate culture -

1. How is sitting late a proof of efficiency? I mean, I could clearly see that a certain work can be finished in x hours but people will sit for (x+x) hours just to show that they are committed to the organisation, come on holidays, leave behind their families for work... I mean to say that I am not against working per se but it is the pretence of work that is beyond my comprehension and the fact that who have mastered this art are the star employees. And if I ever discussed this with anybody, I either got lectured on feminism or the fact that "kaam to aise hi hota hai..sab manage karte hain toh tum bhi karo, excuses mat do".

2. I don't know it's just the Finance department thing or a CA mindset thing but people will just NOT work till it's nearly the last day. I guess, the deadline pressure gives them a high or makes them more innovative? Not unless they pull all-nighters with all the free food and mugs of coffee/chai, shall the balance sheet be perfect.

3. Indian office culture is about making you feel guilty if you take a planned leave. Sometimes, taking a leave on a gazetted holiday (yes, you read it right!) will make you unreliable.

4. Don't even get me started on office politics for promotions and recognition. Even the thought makes me nauseous.

What's worse is that it is a never-ending loop. Everybody is doing it because their seniors did it. Anybody protesting against is the most useless employee.I don't know , it's either me who's wired not to fit into corporate culture or there's is something grossly wrong with the way we have made our lives centered around our work. My father cancelled a family trip for work and that's how I got the time to write this long-intended blog. See the irony?

Off late, I have been questioning my choice of field or the way I define success. True, I have a degree and a job that thousands of people aspire for...but if it is not making me happy, is giving me constant health problems, is changing my psyche and my behaviour; is it even worth? But then, if not this then what? From that sincere person who gave her one hundred percent in every endeavour, I have become that person who goes to work just for the paycheck, relegating to the backburner, that strong urge to do something unconventional at the back of my mind , day after day. That voice inside me that says live your dreams, grows feeble with each passing day because the reality is gnawing on the dreams like a hungry dementor. 

 The bitter truth remains that nobody seems to find this disturbing because most people think that this is not something that matters...  so I have stopped discussing this with anybody at all. Notwithstanding the fact that if what you do makes you unhappy and is altering the way you respond to everything, including yourself, this problem goes unnoticed. The only way I have come up with is to stop taking work/ office personally, minding my own business and focusing on personal growth and goals. It seems to be working so far. To conclude, I'd like to quote Nida Fazil - 

सफर में धूप तो होगी , जो चल सको तो चलो 

सभी हैं भीड़ में , तुम भी  निकल सको तो चलो 

किसी के रास्ते राहें कहाँ बदलती हैं 

तुम अपने आप को खुद ही बदल सको तो चलो |