Band Baajaa Baraat :D

Pre - script : This is a satire on Indian marriages, written solely for entertainment (what else do you expect, the title of my blog is ROFL?!) and is not intended to offend anybody or any ritual or anything for that matter. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

No, No, I am not getting married so relax, my secret admirers (:P), this post is an aftermath of attending 4 weddings within a fortnight...

Welcome to the big fat Indian wedding...

Shailesh (Shanty)

   weds

Kajal (Kaju)

(Dinner hosted by Khurana family)

That's what a little signboard at the entry gate said, yes, the 'shanty' and 'kaju' part included, reminding me of kaju barfi... Anyway, I ignored it because - 

1. Being born into a Punjabi family, I am used to this sort of stuff.

2. Being born into a Punjabi family, all I cared about was the dinner part :D (I know that it's a bit harsh but I don't care you call him Shalu or Shanty or Shit, Kajal Khurana oops Kajal Shanty Arora,  you better serve delectable shahi paneer and dal makhni or I shall ask the God of weddings to make you fat soon after the marriage which you'll anyway become :P)

And as I entered, my sense organs had to start working at double the normal speed...the sound of Punjabi music (ears), the aroma of food (nose), scanning the crowd so that I could escape the irksome relatives (eyes) [if you are a boy, you use this sense organ to scan the extra voluptuous female members in extra tight clothes, of the homo sapiens species], food (tongue), centralized air-conditioning causing goosebumps (skin).

I'd like to list out some of the quintessential facts about a desi shaadi -

1. The groom side NEVER shows up on time. If you are from the groom's side, you have to wait for ages for them to arrive so that you can hand them over the shagun and leave. If you are from the bride's side, you have to wait on the other side of the ribbon and haggle with the groom side to let them cut the ribbon. In both the cases, you lose a lot of precious time which could otherwise have been utilised for sleeping, sorry I mean studying :P

2. There is ALWAYS some auntyji concerned more than necessary about your career because her husband's brother's wife's sister's son also did the same course as you and so that makes her qualified to suggest you that Modi College of Engineering is better than Kejriwal College of Technology or big 4s are better than small or medium level firms.

3. There is a gang of your father's masiji(s) and maamaji(s) who will suggest to your parents that "ab iska number bhi aane wlaa hai,bahot padhaai ho gayi ab iske liye bhi dekhna shuru karo" (I always shut them up by forcing them to eat gulaabjamun, I swear on Harry Potter's scar that it always works. You lose the dessert but yay, no more bullcrap! :D )

4. There is this one whiny relative who will catch hold of you and say "aap toh kabhi yaad hi nahi karte hame"

Uff.

(Aap to jaise hame roz roz whatsapp karte hain na !!!)

5. Some uncle you have never seen in 22 years of your existence will come to you, pull your cheeks and say "itni si thi jab dekhi thi aur ab dekho...kaunsi class mei ho gayi" and then for some reason he will take out some money and force it into your hand. And this is a rule that you refuse it twice till he says aashirwaad hota hai, mana nahi karte.It then becomes your moral duty to accept it.
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!

6. One elderly female sitting on the couch who you'll have to go and meet because she can't move. She is the one who is made to guard all the bags.

7. The NRI relatives of the family impeccably dressed in a traditional attire, looking more Indian than all the Indians present in the wedding. The tall, blonde French guy seems so irresistible that you forget all decency and keep staring at him :P (ye point #3 wale masi n mama ji ko ab kyu nahi yaad ata ki mera number aane wala hai?! :P :P )

8. A group of aunties busy gossiping and finding faults in other aunties' sarees and suits. And then suddenly one of them asks in a hush- hush voice "arranged marriage hai ya love?" and when the answer is arranged, I am reminded of this - 

9. This is the funniest of all - the photographer zooming in on the people eating and people posing for the video camera like it's a still camera :P

 Finally, the baraat arrives. There are shiny decked-up aunties dancing (how they manage to dance in heels is a mystery I have never been able to solve) with the baraat with their equally shiny purses tucked into their armpits.

And suddenly there is a lot of crowd on the DJ.

I have noticed this pattern - as the friends of the groom show their moves on the DJ, either of these two songs is played-

a) aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai!

b) ek kunwaara fir gaya maara, fas gaya dekho ye bechara !

And then some crazy fellow from the group pulls the groom on the DJ and he is made to dance on apne vyaah te nachda firre!!
Then suddenly all these fellows (except the groom) vanish somewhere for a while and come back all energetic and dance bizarrely on the beats of do ghoont pila de saathiyaa and I understand where they must have disappeared.

And then suddenly the dance-music is stopped and din shagana da chadheya is played and all the focus shifts as the coy bride, clad in all red, enters. She takes ages to reach the stage where the groom is waiting for her. Once she is there, the bride and the groom exchange the varmaala (there is a lot of hooting as the groom's friends lift him up so that the bride can't reach him.)

Then it's time for the poses and everybody comes and showers the blessings on the newly wed couple.

After the pictures and poses, they have dinner together.

While the bride and the groom look all jittery thinking about all the changes that would soon come into their lives after the wedding, all the relatives change into comfortable casuals because it's time for the pheras.

The pheras are the most sacred part of an Indian wedding. The couple makes the vows of being together till death do them apart.

Fast- forwarding,

As the pheras come to an end, the bride gets all moist-eyed (This is perhaps the only time when a woman's worry of smudging her makeup takes a backseat! :P), hugs her family and leaves with the groom in a beautifully decorated car for their home (where the friends and family have planted alarm clocks to ruin their first night together.)

And so it ends after a night-long saga !

Lesson learnt - 

A Letter To My Soul Sister...

Dear Equity shareholder of my soul

The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. Some bonds defy distance. And time. And logic. Because some ties are simply meant to be.

Such bonds are formed in utterly bizarre manner...To put it in a bollywood song language - Aate jaate khoobsurat aawaara sadko pe, kabhi kabhi itefaq se...kitne anjaan log mil jate hain...unme se kuch log bhool jate hain kuch yaad reh jaate hain...of course she is in the latter category.
I plan to change my school, she plans to change her school and both of us meet at DPS R.K.Puram. She was in 8C and I was in 8B. But we both met in our third language class. The day a common friend introduced me to her, I knew we would be good friends. But then somebody  brainwashed me ("why do you fraternise so much with other section people?") I stopped speaking to her. She got hurt but didn't say anything and withdrew. And then it hit me with full force - the loneliness.I missed her. I still remember that day. It was during our PE class and we were in the sports complex when I broke down and apologised.She welcomed me back like nothing had happened. And I knew that day onwards that this bond is going to stay. It was like a silent promise between us.
9th and 10th passed in whirls of time with me teasing her a lot over her love for history :P This girl loves history ! who on earth loves history?!?

It was in 11th that I really got to know her. She took humanities and I opted for commerce.Each morning I would sleepwalk to my class (My school started at  6:50am which means I had to get up at 5:15 to catch my bus which I missed daily by the way. Those who know me well would understand this joke :P) and she would laugh herself silly at my zombie looking manner of dragging myself daily to the third floor and go straight to the restroom to wash my face, first thing in the school :P
During the break she would listen to my rant about how/why my business studies teacher made me do something I didn't want to, how I missed my bus  that day, which novel I completed last night, how I forgot to do some homework, how Voldemort gave harry the scar on his forehead, how something that somebody said to me was bothering me, how I hated getting up in the morning ...I hope you got the drift - she endured every crappy thing that I uttered :P

Then she would make me see sense...that how circumstances or events had no power till I gave them the power to affect me...how I could choose not to look at the negative side of a certain incident...and I would instantly feel better :)

There is this specific incident that she never lets me forget ! I don't know when and why and how I made such a stupid statement - One day, I am going to own more number of cars than the number of clothes you will have! 

Since that day, she has been repeating this to me and I burst out laughing at my own non sense that I once said :P

But I don't mind my own stupidity because she doesn't realise it but I notice the dazzling, to-die-for smile she gives, each time I utter such non sense :) My stupidity mode gets triggered only when I am around people I love dearly, just saying. :)

When I could not make it to SRCC, I went into my crappiest mood ever. I stopped interacting with people. She would call me up and I wouldn't say a word. Trust me, she could understand even my silence...because when words fail, silence speaks - so believes this psycho !

Oh, by the way, that's what I call her...psycho...and it's definitely not because she has done psychology hons from LSR :P

There comes a phase in every body's life when things start to take toll on you...they tend to bog you down..It comes in waves. There’s a lull and then another wave hits you. She has always been there to tell me that it’s okay not to be fine sometimes...

If ever she starts a company, its tag line is going to be - The Power is Within You ! :D Believe me, she kept telling me this till my negativity finally gave up and said- I am sorry, psycho that I ever dared to trouble your friend. You win and I lose. I will never bother her again! :P

Ain't she such a superhero kind?! :D Is boost the secret of your energy, psycho?! or is it tann ki shakti, mann ki shakti bournvita?! :P 

For the past 4 years, there has been this silly routine with me...to send goodnight messages to people...it's my way of telling them that you mean a lot to me. I had about 10 people in that list initially. Gradually things changed and people left. Now it's only her in that list. She has been diligently replying to each and every text that I send her. Each morning, I get up to her replies which are full of positivity and hope that keep me going throughout the day.

Yes, some things touch you. You cannot explain how. But they leave a lasting impact on your heart.. and mind. And soul.they become a part of you. And they are there to stay. To change you. To make you a better person.They keep you going. And at the end of everything that’s all that matters.

I don’t have to be with you to know you’re there. We don’t have to see each other to know that we care. We could be apart for years upon end and still remain the best of friends. Life goes on and people change. And through it all, our friendship shall remain the same no matter how things come to be, just thought that you should know how much you mean to me...because tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi :)

I can't wait to go on that fr-acation with you ;) :D

Happy Birthday, Ashu :)

You mean a lot to me.

I can't possibly put into words that tell you how much your friendship matters to me...and I know you would not want me to...because I know you understand.

I'd like to end with your fav song that pretty much says what I wish to convey - 

चलते चलते, मेरे ये गीत याद रखना

कभी अलविदा ना कहना, कभी अलविदा ना कहना.

Loads of Love,

Surbhi

P.S.
This is dedicated to you, check out the song.

count on me

How Do We Spell God? S.A.C.H.I.N.

Pre-Script :
 This is a re-post of my blogpost http://flibbertigibbetsurbhi.quora.com/How-do-we-spell-God which I posted when His Highness Sachin Tendulkar got retired. I am posting it again here since it's His birthday today :)


Is it ok to call Sachin god?
No...it would be a non sequitur...God isn't as great as His Highness Sachin Tendulkar.
For He is the answer to how just one man can hold a nation's breath...how can one person put a smile on a billion faces with a single stroke of his bat...

On a train from Shimla to Delhi,there was a halt in one of the stations. The train stopped by for few minutes as usual.sachin was nearing century, batting on 98.The passengers, railway officilas, everyone on the train waited for Sachin to complete the century. This genius can stop time in India!

(Peter Roebuck,former Somerset captain and journalist)

200 matches...329 innings...15921 runs...51 centuries...68 half-centuries (Test cricket)

463 matches...18426 runs...49 centuries...96 half-centuries...154 wickets (ODIs)

But when it comes to Sachin, don't just look at the stats.

Cricketing abilities allied with a greed to bat and an excessively healthy appetite for hardwork, intense focus that is unswayed by praise or criticism, a passion so deep that it's hard to distinguish cricket from Him and Him from cricket...that's Him...that's Sachin Tendulkar...a cricketer who defined His generation.

He has created records, challenged Himself and the world, averted controversies and above all, He has maintained as low a profile as a man constantly in the focus of world media can...He is a shining example of merit eclipsing all odds.

One God saluting other


There are a lot of things that we can learn from the Master Blaster's life...

Focus
That's perhaps the biggest reason of His success...He epitomises perfection...and perfection, undoubtedly, is a result of His focused practice.

He has been a genius when it comes to ability, a trojan when it comes to work ethic and a maniac when it comes to focus.

(Viv Richards)

Do what you enjoy doing
That's what drives Him to create the magic on the field...He simply is in love with cricket...and the happiness that He derives from playing is evident in the countless records that He has broken during course of His journey between  22 yards...As His better-half,Dr Anjali Tendulkar aptly puts it -

I can imagine cricket without him but I can't imagine Sachin without cricket.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going
He has never let His injuries,failures bog Him down...He took all criticism in His stride and proved that He is the true superstar...

Don't let success go to your head
Even at the top of His career, He never took the game lightly, nor His success too seriously...His hardwork and respect for His profession have lasted all throughout His career..He has His own impeccable ways of doing things - He lets His bat do all the talking.

Be humble

Harsha Bhogle's words to Sachin: 

I have often said that you could have, with the pedestal we put you on, looked down at the game below, that you could have allowed yourself to think you were its biggest star. Instead, you remained a servant, always putting the game and its traditions first. Much has changed around you but your respect for the game hasn’t. It is a nice lesson for those obsessed with stardom and its trappings.And that is why I think one of your biggest contributions to Indian cricket was in not behaving like the star you were.

Dear Sachin,
Nobody stirs as many emotions as you do...you make us smile, you make us cry (the farewell speech was so heart-rending.) you make us proud, you unite us all in our love for you.
You are a gift from heaven.
You are the pride and joy of India.
No doubt you are the youngest Bharat Ratna. 
There won't be another one like you.

Happy Birthday, my hero :)

P.S.

1. I wanted to write so much about Him but could articulate only this bit...because words wouldn't suffice.
2. Apart from the stats and quotes about Him, I collected this little information about him from various newspapers which I could not fit in above -
 He doesn't just hit on the field but in the kitchen as well...He is a great cook..He once cooked baingan barta for the whole team.
His favourite movie is sholay.
His favourite song is main zindagi ka sath nibhata chala gaya from the movie hum dono.

o-Office o-Office

तेरे इश्क़ ने बना दिया सरकारी दफ़्तर मुझको,

ना किसी की बात सुनता हूँ, ना कोई काम करता हूँ !!!

My dear Ghalib-fanatics, lovesick, infatuated ishaqzaado, please come out of your reverie of your last date with your beloved and focus not on ishaq but on the sarkaari daftar.

How many of you remember Musaddilal ? He was the protagonist of this fabulous serial called office office.

I have always been a great fan of this serial.The plot revolves around the plight of a common man and his fight with the corrupt employees of governement departments...a perfect satire on the scenario in a sarkaari daftar...

My personal experience with DU taught me the same about the government employees. Whenever I had to renew my DTC student pass- 

Monday, KMC Admin Dept, DU 

               10 am - nobody has arrived in the office yet.

               11 am - the official sips his tea while the students wait 

(there is no line...wake up dude, this is DU...I mean it's Delhi...I mean it's India...we don't have any lines here because His Highness Amitabh Bachchan taught us ages back that  hum jahan khade hote hain, line wahin se shuru hoti hai)

               12 noon - I am still waiting...trying to get my form signed.

               12:30 pm - I am right next to the window and WHAM !

He shuts the window saying "lunch time"..."but it is 12:30 and lunch timings are 1-2pm", I try to reason with him but in vain.

               2:30pm - the window is still shut (lunch timings : 1-2pm, just saying)

               3 pm- Form signed but the battle has just begun.

Tuesday, DTC office, DU

               10 am- I am waiting.

               12 noon- I am waiting

                3 pm- I give up and return.

Wednesday, DTC office, DU

(repeat the above procedure.)

Thursday, DTC office, DU

               10am- I am waiting.

               12:30 pm- I submit my form

               1 pm - I get my renewed bus pass.

So with such experiences during three years of my graduation at DU and my years of watching the show Office Office, when I was recently sent to audit a Government company, I had in my mind the image of lethargic people trying to harass the common people to vent out their personal frustrations. Plus my friends placed in government companies tell me their stories about how the whole department tries to procrastinate the work, never listen to any reason or logic whatsoever and spend the lunch time (official lunch timings 1-2pm, actual lunch timings12-3pm) talking about desh mei hai kitna bhrashtachaar, ab ki bar modi sarkaar :D

And so I reached the office of National Insurance Company, DRO- II...Little did I know that a huge surprise awaited me.

Expectation : A boring office full of files and irritated government employees.

Reality : A clean, nice office full of files and cheerful employees.

I asked for Mr T.C. Gupta...The manager...

Expectation : a fat aged man with loads of quintessential government-official-attitude.

Reality : a lean and extremely humble person who knows his work.

He told me about the company...about his own experiences...that this was his first and last job...he began at a mere Rs600 and how paved his way to the top with his patience and perseverance.

He then introduced me to his staff - 

         

 (left to right)
Mr T.C. Gupta, Radhika Sabharwal
The girl in saffron kurti is a great CA in making who would conquer the whole world
Just kidding, that's me. :D
Mr Gaurav Dixit (My Sir),Varun Bansal (a fellow article), Mr P.K. Singh.










Mr Sunil Dua, Mr Bhupinder Kumar and the lady standing behind me is Mrs Sunita Mittal.







Expectation : lazy and uncaring people whiling away their time in gossips.
Reality : Warm- hearted, caring people actually concerned about their company's growth and the associated people. 
(Dua Sir is by far the most jovial person I ever came across. He has the capability to guffaw at anything and everything. Sunita Ma'am ensured that I ate my lunch and got tea/juice on time)  


And so I began my work...I started studying the last year reports...I was supposed to audit the regional office which had 19 branches under it...the data from the branches was consolidated at the regional level...I read the CAG report, the audit report, the tax audit report...It was hell boring (Shh, as a CA I am supposed to love this work so please don't blurt this out.)

Apart from the swivel chair, when everybody calls you Ma'am, it feels good too :P

 To prevent my mind from constantly drifting away to thoughts of shahi paneer and naan (yes, you guessed it right I am a hardcore Punjabi) that I was going to order for my lunch, I looked around the office.
My observations - 

1. Files...FILES...F.I.L.E.S...

nothing new, that's normal if you are doing CA.

2. Everybody, EVERYBODY [except me] was working.

(Though it is unnecessary to point out but I hope you noticed the files.)

3. Each person seemed so polite, helpful, humble and cooperative.

( Am I still in Delhi?)

4. Lunch timings 1:30- 2pm and people follow it. No plus one hour  each to the lower and upper limit.

 (Is this really a government office?)

5. There is a constant sound buzzing through the office whole day as the old dot matrix printer keeps churning out paper.

The NIC staff has been given Samsung Galaxy smartphones (ain't it so cool?) and the best of PCs to work on but the printer remains the one that my great-grandfather used after he borrowed it from his father. (who on earth uses the dot matrix printer nowadays?!).

6. Talking about printing, one thing that greatly bothers me is the fact that there is absolutely no regard for the paper that is wasted in mindless printing of vouchers, bills, debit notes blah blah.

 The signed balance sheet along with annexures and other schedules comprised almost of 100 pages and there were 8 sets prepared for the same. And the final set was printed after making a hundred thousand changes as asked by the auditors (read surbhi makkar and jay) so roughly we printed about 1000 pages today (the day the balance sheet got signed).

7. Tea is to government employees as cricket is to India. 

Need I say more?

Thank God, the canteen had this saviour that I sipped away daily - 










 (Don't miss the files)

8. The Ramacharitramanas.

Gupta Sir has been following this routine since 1980 (I asked him this specifically). During the 30mins lunch break, he reads out aloud to the whole staff two chaupaai of The Ramacharitramanas.Daily.Without fail.
I have never seen such a thing in any office. It was something novel in a very inexplicable way, if I am making any sense !
When I started the audit, Lord Rama was leaving for his 14years long exile...when I wrapped up the audit, almost after a month, it was time for bharat-milaap.
I am not a religious person at all. I hardly go to temples. But I felt that there was always an atmosphere of utmost serenity in the office during these 15mins.

Oh I almost forgot to mention that the government audit enhanced my knowledge as well as exposed me to an entirely different domain. Since CAG audits the government companies as well, I got to learn quite a lot...esp about the section 619(3) of the Companies Act. :P

NIC totally changed my notions about a government company...oh by the way, the company achieved its target of 10,000 crore premium in this fiscal year...highest ever by any company in India...I think it's really really commendable.
See you next year, NIC :D

Yours sincerely
Statutory Auditor



P.S.

I would like to thank Jay for helping me click these pictures, for eating whatever I ordered, for answering all my stupid doubts and queries, for lending me his phone to play fruit ninja when I got bored of all the files surrounding me and last but not the least for waiting for me at the metro station daily because I got (unintentionally!) late almost everyday :P