It was such a strange place... I had an eerie silence engulfing me... It was neither too dark nor too bright, just enough light for everything to be visible... but where was everything? Where was everybody? What is this place? What am I doing here? How did I end up here? It was just space...plain, blank space.
I remember reading about my friend's untimely and unexplained demise in the newspaper and the shock of seeing somebody on front page of the newspaper for being found dead just like that was too much for me to bear... especially because that somebody happened to be my class-partner in 9th who never wrote a word in any bio lecture but always asked for my notes the moment the lecture got over...Once when the bio lecture got over, before he could ask me for my notebook, I offered him my notes ("here...I know, you are going to ask me for this", I smirked)... the silent and taciturn kid that I was, he was surprised at my cheek but laughed out...I then asked him lightly why couldn't he take his own notes to which he answered that he preferred to focus entirely on listening to what the teacher was saying and "besides, you write everything anyway so why should I bother", he smirked back at me. I couldn't help but laugh. And that is how I remember him - excessively intelligent, supremely confident and extremely witty. So reading about his death in TOI left me shell-shocked... and when I could no longer bear my throbbing head, bleeding heart, crying soul, I left everything and tried to sleep...
So this must be a dream, I vaguely wondered... but am I supposed to be aware that I am dreaming? This is bizarre.
I suddenly sensed a movement around me and spun around immediately... Somebody was approaching me...I felt a jolt of terror when I noticed the big silvery grey robes covering the figure from head to toe... now the figure was standing right in front of me...who are you, I murmured... to which the figure responded by uncovering its hood and I gasped...
All I could manage was to stare... at those eyes filled with sheer affection for me... that smiling face that I missed terribly...
After perhaps minutes or may be hours, I wasn't sure of the time, my mind began to argue with the absurdity of what and who I was looking at... how could this be? As if sensing my bewilderment, the figure spoke - It's okay, you are not dead or insane.
I did not answer immediately but merely gazed at the figure, wondering what on Earth was happening. Did I read too much of Harry Potter and this was King's Cross?
The figure laughed out and said smilingly, "No, this isn't King's Cross and neither is this insides of the Mirror of Erised because I know I am what you'd see when you look at it.
Feeling pools of tears building inside my eyes, I took some steadying breaths. Finally, after ages it seemed, I spoke - how do you always know what I am thinking? The figure merely smiled but did not answer.
I asked - what is this place? Is this where you live now? The figure said- Yes and No. I don't live here but I have come here because you are here and you desperately wanted to see me. I know you are stricken because of your batch-mate and needed help. You have lost too many people this year. And I know that you would never speak to anybody else of your deep emotional pain so here I am.
I tried to process the indigestible information and simultaneously accept the fact,with a pang, that whatever I was seeing was surely not true and that I was losing my marbles.
The figure spoke again, "You must have noticed that I can hear your thoughts since this is inside you; I am inside you. You need to accept the fact that what's gone will not come back physically but there is another dimension that most people are unaware of. You will always find what you think you have lost within the confines of that dimension. This is that dimension. If you want proof, here it is -
And I suddenly noticed that I was surrounded by more people wearing similar attire and gentle smiles - people I had thought I had lost and missed too much for me to bear. They all looked at me with pure love that was so palpable that I could feel the warmth enveloping me. I was stupidly looking from one face to the other, afraid of not seeing them enough when I had the chance. I wanted to hold them all, scared that I would lose them all over again. I could feel a weird heaviness around my heart - half joy, half sorrow. And before I knew, thick tears started to fall from my eyes,washing away years of pain of my soul. For once, I didn't try to hide my tears, I wasn't ashamed of going into pieces because of my emotional weakness. I wasn't aware of falling onto my knees or of the gentle arms around me that had held me all the time. It was back like earlier times again; I was a kid again and the tragedies might not have happened at all and everything was back to normal- simple, carefree, uncomplicated life. They did not stop me but let me continue with my catharsis.
After what felt like hours, I controlled myself and looked up. They had all gone except the first figure, holding me in its arms.
The figure made me stand up. We began to walk. And talk.
"Can I stay here with you?", I asked though I knew what the answer was going to be.
"No"
"Why not?", I asked.
"Because it is not the right thing to do. I am here to make you understand that you need to stop dwelling over things too much. It is not in your power to change things. Your over-thinking will not make any difference. Everybody has his/her journey to make and you have your own. I know it is difficult but do not mull so much over what/why/how of others' journey please. You are aware that some things affect you more than others but you ought to know that they do not concern you so let go of them before they destroy you."
I nodded.
Suddenly I blurted out," If I have to let go of everything in the end why do I do anything? Why strive to achieve my goals? Why dream big? Look at my batch-mates. I lost two of them in the same year. It is all going to end anyway."
"Because to put a full stop, you need to write a sentence first.", said the figure simply.
The simplicity with which the wisdom was put shook my mind. I was left contemplating over the sagacious words said to me.
The figure took out something from beneath the robes and asked me to wear it. I immediately knew what it was- the grey fur jacket that I loved dearly as a kid. I reminisced fondly that I always got compliments whenever I wore it. It was nice and cozy; It was my favourite jacket. But what was it doing here? Surely this was some joke - how would a jacket that I wore as a 10years old kid, fit a 23years old adult? Besides, I clearly remember giving that jacket to our maid's daughter. How did it come here? But to my utter surprise, it was here AND it fitted me well enough.
What was happening?? The place seemed unearthly silent. The impossibility of everything that was happening was beginning to cloud my sanity. And my senses too; I could notice the lines around the figure blurring. I could hear weird sounds coming from around me. People? Things being moved?
And suddenly I was lying on my bed. Another dream. It was a strange dream. But it felt so real. I lay in bed for a long time trying to remember what I had seen.
Finally, I got out of bed. I saw my brother shifting stuff from one room to another. That explained at least the weird sounds in the dream if not anything else! Ever since he got back from hostel, he has been trying to fit his stuff in the house. When I approached him, he threw something at me and said that he found it while clearing the room.
It was the grey fur jacket.
RIP Sarvy.
