Pre - script : This is a satire on Indian marriages, written solely for entertainment (what else do you expect, the title of my blog is ROFL?!) and is not intended to offend anybody or any ritual or anything for that matter. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
No, No, I am not getting married so relax, my secret admirers (:P), this post is an aftermath of attending 4 weddings within a fortnight...
Welcome to the big fat Indian wedding...
Shailesh (Shanty)
weds
Kajal (Kaju)
(Dinner hosted by Khurana family)
That's what a little signboard at the entry gate said, yes, the 'shanty' and 'kaju' part included, reminding me of kaju barfi... Anyway, I ignored it because -
1. Being born into a Punjabi family, I am used to this sort of stuff.
2. Being born into a Punjabi family, all I cared about was the dinner part :D (I know that it's a bit harsh but I don't care you call him Shalu or Shanty or Shit, Kajal Khurana oops Kajal Shanty Arora, you better serve delectable shahi paneer and dal makhni or I shall ask the God of weddings to make you fat soon after the marriage which you'll anyway become :P)
And as I entered, my sense organs had to start working at double the normal speed...the sound of Punjabi music (ears), the aroma of food (nose), scanning the crowd so that I could escape the irksome relatives (eyes) [if you are a boy, you use this sense organ to scan the extra voluptuous female members in extra tight clothes, of the homo sapiens species], food (tongue), centralized air-conditioning causing goosebumps (skin).
I'd like to list out some of the quintessential facts about a desi shaadi -
1. The groom side NEVER shows up on time. If you are from the groom's side, you have to wait for ages for them to arrive so that you can hand them over the shagun and leave. If you are from the bride's side, you have to wait on the other side of the ribbon and haggle with the groom side to let them cut the ribbon. In both the cases, you lose a lot of precious time which could otherwise have been utilised for sleeping, sorry I mean studying :P
2. There is ALWAYS some auntyji concerned more than necessary about your career because her husband's brother's wife's sister's son also did the same course as you and so that makes her qualified to suggest you that Modi College of Engineering is better than Kejriwal College of Technology or big 4s are better than small or medium level firms.
3. There is a gang of your father's masiji(s) and maamaji(s) who will suggest to your parents that "ab iska number bhi aane wlaa hai,bahot padhaai ho gayi ab iske liye bhi dekhna shuru karo" (I always shut them up by forcing them to eat gulaabjamun, I swear on Harry Potter's scar that it always works. You lose the dessert but yay, no more bullcrap! :D )
4. There is this one whiny relative who will catch hold of you and say "aap toh kabhi yaad hi nahi karte hame"
Uff.
(Aap to jaise hame roz roz whatsapp karte hain na !!!)
5. Some uncle you have never seen in 22 years of your existence will come to you, pull your cheeks and say "itni si thi jab dekhi thi aur ab dekho...kaunsi class mei ho gayi" and then for some reason he will take out some money and force it into your hand. And this is a rule that you refuse it twice till he says aashirwaad hota hai, mana nahi karte.It then becomes your moral duty to accept it.
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!
I have been more of a samjhdaar kid so I always hand over the money to my parents but sometimes I think that had I not been handing it over to my parents and collected all the money such relatives gave me since 28.04.1992, I'd have a capital of at least 20lacs to invest in my imaginary business!
6. One elderly female sitting on the couch who you'll have to go and meet because she can't move. She is the one who is made to guard all the bags.
7. The NRI relatives of the family impeccably dressed in a traditional attire, looking more Indian than all the Indians present in the wedding. The tall, blonde French guy seems so irresistible that you forget all decency and keep staring at him :P (ye point #3 wale masi n mama ji ko ab kyu nahi yaad ata ki mera number aane wala hai?! :P :P )
8. A group of aunties busy gossiping and finding faults in other aunties' sarees and suits. And then suddenly one of them asks in a hush- hush voice "arranged marriage hai ya love?" and when the answer is arranged, I am reminded of this -
9. This is the funniest of all - the photographer zooming in on the people eating and people posing for the video camera like it's a still camera :P
Finally, the baraat arrives. There are shiny decked-up aunties dancing (how they manage to dance in heels is a mystery I have never been able to solve) with the baraat with their equally shiny purses tucked into their armpits.
And suddenly there is a lot of crowd on the DJ.
I have noticed this pattern - as the friends of the groom show their moves on the DJ, either of these two songs is played-
a) aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai!
b) ek kunwaara fir gaya maara, fas gaya dekho ye bechara !
Then suddenly all these fellows (except the groom) vanish somewhere for a while and come back all energetic and dance bizarrely on the beats of do ghoont pila de saathiyaa and I understand where they must have disappeared.
And then suddenly the dance-music is stopped and din shagana da chadheya is played and all the focus shifts as the coy bride, clad in all red, enters. She takes ages to reach the stage where the groom is waiting for her. Once she is there, the bride and the groom exchange the varmaala (there is a lot of hooting as the groom's friends lift him up so that the bride can't reach him.)
Then it's time for the poses and everybody comes and showers the blessings on the newly wed couple.
After the pictures and poses, they have dinner together.
While the bride and the groom look all jittery thinking about all the changes that would soon come into their lives after the wedding, all the relatives change into comfortable casuals because it's time for the pheras.
The pheras are the most sacred part of an Indian wedding. The couple makes the vows of being together till death do them apart.
Fast- forwarding,
As the pheras come to an end, the bride gets all moist-eyed (This is perhaps the only time when a woman's worry of smudging her makeup takes a backseat! :P), hugs her family and leaves with the groom in a beautifully decorated car for their home (where the friends and family have planted alarm clocks to ruin their first night together.)
And so it ends after a night-long saga !
Lesson learnt -
