ODYSSEY : ADIEU 2024

This year has finally brought an end to my blogging exile. The last blog I wrote was in 2021 and the last year end blog was a decade back in 2014 ! So much has changed since then that I can't begin to fathom how quickly the time elapsed!

Every year doesn't have to be about big achievements and milestones. Quietly growing and evolving, moving towards your goals, learning new skills and getting out of your comfort zone also tantamount to a successful year.

End of year and beginning of the new year is always overwhelming for me... Mainly because it hits me that I survived another year without some very special people... So when everyone is posting about their achievements and milestones, I sit back and retrospect... And amaze myself that I got through for 18 years when I thought I couldn't stand 18 seconds.. and I pat myself on the back that I did pretty damn well even if nobody acknowledges it. Some people always ask me, after all this time? And, like Snape, I answer - Always. Somehow the past always haunts me even after all these years. Passage of time doesn't take the grief away. Often the new year and festivals amplify it. And so I have not been able to measure life in any other way but by how many times I showed up when I wanted it desperately to just end. And my success rate is 100 percent so far. 

Professionally, 2024 was a blessed year. I got a decent appraisal, handled multiple clients and got some real appreciation from the client as well as my boss. I excelled my excel skills a bit more and even got something called a mouse hand syndrome because of excessive workload ! But I think all of this looks worth when your work is acknowledged. But what's even more rewarding was the work life balance that I was able to get albeit pulling off some all-nighters!

If you don't know, the thing to do is not to get scared, but to learn.

- Ayn Rand.

On a personal front, I feel I have grown to be a more spiritual person relying on myself for healing the pain that doesn't seem to diminish and the baggage that I somehow seems to be getting heavier even after all these years. I used to believe communication is the key but I learnt this year that over-communication can also be devastating! So, equipping myself to keep my insanity to myself in 2025!

There are a few learnings from 2024 that I'd like to carry forward:

1. Show up with the brightest lipstick and boldest eyeliner when you don't feel like getting out of your bed. It's amazing how our mind plays games so just fake it till you make it.

2. Work hard so that you can fulfill your childhood dream of exploring as much as possible of this little wonder called Earth.

3. I finally let go of my laziness and started doing some real yoga. It was high time that I took my health into some serious consideration after I kept vomiting almost 5 times a month. So, cleaned my diet and started some relaxing yoga. Hopefully, this is going to carry forward in 2025 with some more zeal!

4. I don't have to go above and beyond for people who never show up for me. And I can't emphasize enough on this but DON'T feel guilty about it even for a bit. Anything that gives me stress (I am VERY prone to emotional stress) needs to vanquish. Period.

5. My shopping bills shot up exorbitantly high this year! I think that Myntra earns the highest revenue from me! Although, I don't really understand why this happened. I mean, I barely get out of my oversized t-shirts and lounge pants ever since I got WFH. Somehow, I am not feeling very bad about this :P So, I might try just a tad bit to limit my shopping in 2025 :D

6. I don't have to be the bigger person all the time and try to fix something that wasn't really there. What flows, flows. There is no space for forced relations and friendships in my mind anymore. 

7. It's crazy how peaceful life becomes when you remove yourself from toxic vibes and sneaky manipulations. If people think your presence is a nuisance out of pure envy and spite then believe them and simply remove your presence. Let happiness prevail in lives of all the concerned parties! Peace.

8. Keep the kid in you alive because adulthood sucks big time! Thank God for some fun-loving nephews & niece in my life! 

9. Grateful for family & friends who are love & sunshine! Made some new friends, lost some old ones and reconnected with a few who I had lost touch with thanks to instagram & whatsapp! Technology is not all that bad!

10. Never get tired of saying this but extremely thankful for my husband. A peaceful partner is all you need to face life. It's an icing on the cake when he doesn't mind your hefty credit card bills. :P  Praying for patience for him all the time because he needs to handle a taurean with a bad case of mood swings & tantrums :D 

11. Learnt how to drive. Those who know me well are aware that having lost a family member in a road rage accident made me averse to vehicles per se! I had difficulty crossing roads for so many years. But some divine sign led to my determination to finally let go of my inhibitions and learn the skill. I am so proud of myself for overcoming my fears and I don't think anybody except me understands what it means to me... what a confidence boost it has given me...more importantly, I could feel some pride being showered from above the heaven for being brave one more time.

 

12. Somehow, I survived another year as DINK (God, these Gen Z terms! This one is a favourite though!) although some of my very close friends succumbed ! I am in awe with them because I feel that changing every aspect of your life for a new blessing requires some serious sacrifices and determination. 

13. Perfected my culinary skills. I can modestly say that I am a good cook now and this is saying something because there was a time when I considered cooking to be a rocket science. I feel extremely proud & happy when the family says that  my cooking comes straight from the heart!  

14. Accepted ageing as a natural aspect of life and embraced grey hair with grace! I decided this year to never use hair colour or chemical dyes to hide the greys ! Although I have started taking some serious interest in skincare and haircare now that I am on the other side of 30! Accepting my frizzy, haywire hair and open pores without any complaints now! 

15. Still learning to trust the process and surrender to the Supreme Power. I have to continuously keep reminding myself that what's not in my control is not my problem. The Ultimate CA has his own ways and means to balance the Balance Sheet and I have no business worrying about the profit & loss.

Starting 2025 with only one prayer - Dear God, lead the way. Manifesting only positive energy, good vibes and health in 2025! Striving to make this year about living life to the fullest, fulfilling some more dreams, ticking off some bucket list items, keeping my expectations low from others and extremely high from my own self in every aspect of life and more importantly, be a good human being.

Grief & Pain

Pre script : I came across this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy and felt a need to share it along with my inputs in hope that it helps people overcome grief and pain. This post is an outcome of my personal experience with grief and how it affected me as a person, how it shaped my personality and more importantly, how I perceived and responded to various forms of relationships and connections due to the same.

I have always believed that love and grief are twin brothers, two sides of the same coin. It is impossible to escape grief, it comes along with love. And similarly, talking about grief is almost like talking about love - it is felt just as deeply, it changes you as a person and it persists almost as long as love.

But first, I'd like to share this post on Twitter  by Lauren Herchel on the Grief Ball Analogy

1. The Box

Imagine you are the box.

2. The Grief Ball.

Once you suffer some trauma resulting in a deep sense of loss, there is this huge weight that you feel inside your heart. Like a giant ball of grief.

3. The Pain Button

At the inception, the grief ball is gigantic. The moment you try to move the box an iota of an inch, the grief ball hits the pain button. It jumps and rattles hither and thither, at its own whims, and keeps on hitting the pain button over and over again. God, it hurts. It hurts bad. On some days, it feels like you will die of the pain or perhaps wish that you do. Just to stop the pain. But it won't stop. It hits the pain button relentlessly. 

It gets difficult to get on with daily life with this pain inside you all the time. But nobody outside of the box understands the pain. Sometimes you don't understand it yourself! In an attempt to get rid of some weight, you start to unload other people from the boat to save it from sinking due to the heavy weight of the box. Most people would not get this, they might turn hostile and blame you for leaving them. But you can either try to stay afloat and alive or take these blames onto yourself. Perhaps you can try sharing this pain with them. Sometimes, they help you by handing you a life jacket. But mostly, they will find you obnoxious, negative, intense, silent, boring, weird and unbearable. I say, leave these anchors. Clutch to the life jacket. 

Years later, the anchors still blame me. They never understood, they never will unless they go through some life-altering trauma themselves. And the life jacket? Well, I am married to my life jacket.

4. The healing touch of time

With the passage of time, the grief ball gets smaller or may be the box grows bigger, I don't know. But the pain gets better because it hits the pain button less and less. But still, it is as whimsical as ever. Sometimes, it hits the pain button randomly when you least expect it to and it hurts just as much. Sometimes, the anchors come back out of the blue and trigger it and it hurts just as much. 

I personally feel that the grief ball never goes away. It stays as long as the love inside you, it becomes a part of you. However, sometimes, if you're lucky, God sends you a cushion to put on the pain button so that when the grief ball goes awry, it doesn't hit the push button.

The takeaways from the theory  - 

1. We all have a bag but we all pack differently. Some travel light. Some, like me, are secret hoarders - unable to part away with memories. These two mutually exclusive types of people will never be able to understand each other. We can only accept each other for who we are or part ways.

2. People your age who didn't experience life-altering trauma have an absolute advantage over you because while all your efforts were towards survival and keeping yourself afloat, they were free to grow and develop. You might often feel you are not able to relate to them. It's okay!

3. Trust issues become internalized if you did not receive support during your traumatic phase. Ever felt like - "I don't need anyone and I can handle on my own"

It's a survival tactic to shield yourself from  neglect, betrayal and disappointment from those who could not and would not be there for you when they ought to have been there. Such people really have a hard time making connections with people.

4. Trauma survivors often tend to oscillate between past and the future. Basis their experiences in the past, they try to safeguard themselves from similar pain in the future by trying to control everything possible in their hands. It's their way of responding to the uncertainty that the trauma gave them and they do not ever want themselves in the same situation of weakness and pain. 

   

I am not here to judge anyone on how they dealt with their grief and pain. I am not here to preach on ways of dealing with the same. Nor am I here to blame the anchors out there. Because everyone has their own journey and baggage, I just wish we were a more emphatic specie! My learning so far from all of this is that keep your focus on the life jacket and the cushion. The Universe sent them for a reason. Treasure them. Be grateful for them.

P.S. This post is dedicated to my life jacket and also to two most important people of my life- I hope that I make you proud everyday. 

The Lightening Bolt Scar

Harry Potter's lightening bolt shaped scar has always caught my attention in the entire series. I have always wondered why represent a failed curse with a scar? Even Dumbledore refused to wipe it off stating scars come in handy!

The curiosity behind the metaphorical meaning of the scar has led to this blog post. Remember how everybody recognizes Harry Potter in the first book with his scar? How the scar arose Mrs. Weasley's maternal instincts stating the poor boy was all on his own entering the Wizarding World without anybody to help him out? It's because the scar is a souvenir of the pain he had undergone as a child and everybody knew of his childhood tragedy because the scar enunciates his story.

What if we had something similar in our lives? Before you judge me as insane, let me clarify my thought process.

Not every person is good with communicating what he/she is going through. For some, the grief or the pain itself is self-consuming while some people shut down because that's the only way they know how to survive. Some do not want to appear weak and some people have history of trust issues to deal with. In the whole process, the suffering sometimes takes toll on the person and yet people who might care about you really have no idea about what you are dealing with alone. No wonder, we are a generation grappling with depression and insomnia.

For long, I have believed that uttering things out would make me emotionally weak. So when I write that people find it difficult to communicate their pain, I speak out of experience. What if there was a way out?

For every pain that we undergo, a physical manifestation of the pain appears in form of a scar on our body. Had a breakup - a gash appears on your cheek. Your pet dies - a deep cut appears on your neck. Your best friend left you forever - a cross appears on your arm. A deep red wound appears right on your forehead for loss of a parent.

So when you walk through a mall, instead of noticing somebody for her fat nose you notice her deep red wound on the forehead and feel your empathy rising towards her when you touch your own forehead and notice a similar wound. In place of giving out idiotic and unwanted advice to a relative you met at a wedding, you'd give him a hug on noticing a deep cut around his neck and tell him that you know that it hurts but it will get better. When you see such cuts and scars on X's body while he works out in a gym, you feel the pain of troubled childhood emanating from him and his corpulence would be overlooked.

So my point is that the sound of scars on our bodies is ugly as long as we link it to looks and beauty. For example, we judge a lot of people even for their acne problem and I am campaigning here for having scars! Let me enumerate a few benefits of the theory -

1. Each one of us has some trauma or the other so each one is going to have a scar and so it would be as normal as having a mole. Having said that, if you can SEE somebody's pain written right on their faces, you are likely not to be judgmental on basis of their looks.

2. People are less likely to slip into depression and commit suicides because they would be spelling out their pain on their faces and help would always be available for them in form of people having similar scars.

3. It would lead to meaningful bonds between people if they share the stories behind their scars and experiences of coping up with the pain associated with it.

4. Two people might come closer and realise they have the remedies for each other's scars and it might wipe off their scars completely!

To be precise, दाग़ लगने  से कुछ  अच्छा  होता है, तो  दाग़ अच्छे हैं !

Just a little something to ponder upon to make us a better person, more lovable friend, more understanding partner and most importantly a more emphatic human being.

Expecto Patronum

Call it guilt, fear, anger or hatred. Essentially it means your thoughts and emotions are working against you.

                                                                    -Sadhguru


Some people are better at controlling their thoughts while some struggle to keep negativity at bay. With the onset of corona, a lot of people have come face to face with their mental health issues- something that is always swept under the carpet in India. How many of you have been mocked at by your friends for voicing out whenever you felt low with -
"Chill kar, tune zindagi mei stress lene ke alawa kuch kia hai ajtak?"  
or 
"Life ko enjoy kia kar, ye depression shpression kuch nahi hota" 
or 
"emotional fool mat ban, only weak people do that. Get up and face your battles."

And yet, we have increasingly high number of people suffering from mental ill-health and it goes unnoticed because of the shame and stigma associated with it.

Closer home, Deepika Padukone came out on her fight with depression at the pinnacle of her successful career. Imagine the kind of depression failure would inflict if success can lead to depression!
And now, we lost a fine actor in Sushant Singh Rajput allegedly to depression. 

It is a ridiculous but general belief that introverts and quiet people fall prey to depression easily. With my personal experience, I can tell you that surrounding yourself with wrong kind of people kills you mentally than being on your own. Before judging yourself as depressed, make sure you're not surrounded by idiots who, like parasites, suck out the emotional strength out of you. 
One of my 'good' friends rebuffed me with, "You seek sympathy" when I once tried to talk about how I was breaking down. This was years back and yet it stayed etched into my mind and it also led me to believe that there is no market for your honest thoughts and feelings. That was the end of me seeking support from people around me because my mind translates it to sympathy to this day! So such experiences in the past often tend to create stereotypes in our minds. Everybody in the media is saying that Sushant should have talked out, reached out to people. Who knows he might have tried to reach out? But unfortunately to the wrong ones, the 'you seek sympathy' kind who sucked out his last bit of will power and the poor soul snapped?

1. We MUST understand that acceptance is the foremost requirement in any issue. If somebody reaches out to you or shows symptoms of withdrawal or any erratic behaviour whatsoever, it's of utmost importance to recognise and accept that it EXISTS and understand that it is not like usual mood swings we face on a daily basis but something that is dying inside bit by bit. 

2. Do NOT attempt stupidity by suggesting the person to simply ignore it or try to keep oneself distracted or the worst of all, blaming him/her for being weak. I mean, if you have toothache, do you suggest the patient to ignore it or distract himself from pain by partying or the most ludicrous - be brave and keep on fighting with the pain? NO! the tooth has to be treated and with the right hands. Why can't people understand this with emotional pain? Emotional pain runs way deeper than the roots of teeth.

3. Sometimes it's the toxic environment around you that takes toll on your mind. It might be family or office or the people you hang out with. While you can always change your office or people around you, family is not something you can change using a magic wand. As adults, we seek in our relationships what we lacked in our childhood. So a troubled childhood often leads to dysfunctional adults. In such cases, one can only pray that these dysfunctional adults do not carry on the legacy and further create toxic environment for their own children!

4. You may protect yourself from physical ailments like corona with a 20 second handwash but protecting your mental as well as emotional health is a different matter in itself. It is a delicate matter, a dangerous weapon if in wrong hands... an invisible boundary you may unknowingly cross and find yourself groping for a way out...CHOOSE wisely who you reach out to. It will make all the difference in the world. Do not be scared of cutting ties with people who make you feel like trash. If your boat is sinking, throw away the extra baggage without a second thought.

5. Mother Teresa said this on apathy once that the greatest disease today is being unwanted, unloved and uncared for. Physical diseases may be cured with medicine but the only cure for loneliness, despair and hopelessness is Love. 
As the famous song goes by - if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own!

This post is for Sushant Singh Rajput who stirred something within my heart and soul with his honest work. I would conclude by a dialogue from his movie - 

Hum haar jeet, success failure mei itna ulajh gaye hain, ki zindagi jeena bhool gaye hain. Zindagi mei agar kuch sabse zyada important hai toh wo hai khud zindagi.

RIP Sushant. 

P.S. Those who did not understand the caption, it's a spell in Harry Potter which conjures up a tangible positive-energy shield and protects you from the Dementors (happiness-sucking fiends). Literally, it translates to 'I wait for the Guradian'

Life in the time of Corona

Corona has taken over the world. Even Prince Charles has contracted corona. Is anybody safe during these times?

I don't need to mention how bad the situation is, the media is already covering all of it. I am here to talk about how life has changed with this pandemic. Although coming from a person who already liked being under quarantine, this isn't going to sound much... I mean, I already hated going out of house or meeting people.

Since we are under 21days of lockdown, let me enlist 21 ways in which life is different in the time of corona. Of course, all of this is my personal opinion and written in good humour so you need not agree with any of it. These are listed in order of gravity of the matter i.e. from less serious to more -

1. I have learnt all the household chores in absence of any domestic help. I have become a total marriageable material :P So any secret admirers, now is the time to make your move because everything is fair in love and war and this is REAL war.

2. I have watched so much Netflix/Prime that I find it boring now. I even watched this long promised movie to one of my forever- favourite persons - Kesari ! I am now planning to watch B.R. Chopra's Mahabharat.

3. India has watched so much Netflix during lockdown, the data companies have had to reduce their speed from 40mpbs to 8mpbs. Of course, this was bound to happen with Pornhub premium going free! :P But seriously, if this is what makes people sit at home then be it!

4. I have finished reading 2 novels. And I am not talking about re-reading Harry Potter here!

5. Life is better as people are all locked inside so they can't visit me or complain that I don't visit them. :D

6. Make-up handicapped people like me have all the time in the world to learn basic make-up. I have learnt to apply eye liner now. Although I blotch up the left eye a bit but I still have 20 days left to fine-tune it. But secret admirers from point#1, don't expect me to be all dolled up on a daily basis even if I perfect it because laziness is something that I cannot take out of my DNA.

7. With no salon and beauty services available, no female is in any case going to set out of house. So as long as the salons are shut , the government need not worry about girls breaking the curfew. I am pretty sure, the moment lockdown is lifted, the salons are going to see a mad rush.

8. No office and no infuriating, sickening people from work to be seen and smiled at every morning! Apart from the fact that I am foregoing my salary, I like this the best of all things that this lockdown has brought.

9. Oh, I forgot the most obvious one! I am writing this blog post because I am feeling sane, now that I don't have the stress related to the point mentioned above! And I am sure, anybody who reads this blog would do so because they don't have anything else to do. :P

10. I had read somewhere years back that one takes 21 days to build a new habit. So I thought why not utilise this lockdown period for some value addition - learning a new language on Duolingo or may be study a bit for personal growth. Till now, nada progress so far in this department. And I have a strong feeling that this number is not going to increase. It would take more than Corona to do away with my habit of procrastination, I suppose.

11. I think it is heartening to see India fighting this pandemic with unity. The gratitude applause at 5pm on 22 March 2020 is something that is going to resonate within me for a long time. I was under the impression that only cricket world cup could unite Indians but I can proudly say that we can stand together when it comes to matters of national importance.

12. And yet, there are some of the 'cool dudes' who are venturing out for no reason. I am amazed at the innovative punishments that the authorities have come up with -

13. Then there are some REAL cool dudes. Corona has somehow helped ensure the gender equation. Men are spotted doing the dishes and cleaning the house. Here's a picture that cricketer Shikhar Dhawan shared of himself - 

Of course, there are countless other men helping their wives/mothers in all ways possible. Celebrities have been sharing their pictures as they do their own work. Katrina Kaif is getting popular doing household chores. 

14. The GoI has been announcing repeatedly that it is constantly working to ensure continuous supply of essential services and requesting people not to hoard things. But people don't want to pay heed and have been seen buying 100kgs of rice and wheat. And then there are people like daily wage earners who don't have any money to feed their children for the day. People, please listen to the authorities because they are working round the clock to ensure the basic necessities are available to all. 

15. This is the time we appreciate those who are out there risking their lives for us, by simply staying at home. How difficult is it to sit with your family and eat/sleep/watch television?

16. There are a few of my friends/acquaintances who are stuck away from their families. I wonder what it would feel like in time of crisis like this. Some theories propagate that China did this deliberately to break the bone of world economy and be a superpower. Well, if it is true then they are cruel and cold-hearted like Lord Voldemort for tearing apart so many families. I mean, people are dying. Is money/power/fame more important than life?

17. The GoI has had to announce relief packages for poorest of the poor. Both monetary and food. This extra expenditure is surely going to set back our economy but unlike China, we believe in value of life. I am positive we can all recover and bounce back with greater zeal ti build a better world.

18. Life has slowed down as we have stopped running behind material things and have come to realise that in the end all that matters is family. We have come to bare basics and realised that it is possible to live without luxuries. Office and work are not everything. Neither is money. We have been given a chance to appreciate this gift of life.

19. When was the last time you sat down with your whole family for a meal before this lockdown? I don't know but Corona reminds me of the Surf Excel tagline - agar daag lagne se kuch acha hota hai toh daag ache hain. I don't mean to say that Corona is good! What I mean is that now that this pandemic has hit, may be we can take something good out of it - placing people over things, love and friendship over PPTs and money, family over boss, health over work.

20. With human intervention withdrawn, nature is thriving. It appears that the Earth is recuperating as Corona hits the reset button - pollution levels have gone down, dolphins and swans have returned, water is clearer and the skies are bluest of the blue.

21. I think we were crossing the mark and the planet is retaliating in its own way. We were making life difficult for all other species and were flouting the planet's rule of coexistence. Perhaps this is Universe speaking to us to mend our ways if we don't want to be wiped off from the surface of Earth. When all of this gets over, I hope we start afresh and no more mess with the ways of nature.

How has your life changed in the time of Corona?